Worrying excessively about parents

My parents are old and not doing well. My mother hit her head on the hard floor and refuses to go to the ER or see a doctor. My mother's number of accidents are increasing. Two months ago, she fell off the ladder and hit her leg. Prior to this, she fell off the chair while standing on it and putting the dishes away. Then, before this, her legs buckled while she was at the post office and she fell on her back etc. My father is still working but cannot take care of himself and his needs. I cannot do anything because I'm in another country and was hoping my brother would be more responsible for their well-being. He is not and is acting like a child wanting them to take care of him. The whole situation is sad. I tried to help my father while he was here but he acts selfish and orders me around. I had a hard time with him here because he does nothing to help himself and expects me to serve him like a maid. I was glad when he left but am unhappy he is not able to care for himself yet is working which could be dangerous. I am worried to death about them. My brother is a fool to think they are doing well and can take care of him. He is feeling pressure from their declining health and is ignoring their condition as if it will go away if he ignores it. I am at a loss what to do. The situation right now is not good for them. My mother makes no sense about anything. She is in her mid-80s and wants to work. She wants to go to college now and write a thesis. Her prior education is lacking. She is in no condition to write a thesis at least for now. She has never worked outside the house. I don't know where she is getting these ideas when her health is declining. My father ignores her and wants to work still although he expects her to take care of the house and him still while realizing her health is not good. Something has to give. I feel for my mother's situation about wanting to go back to school and go to work. But, it is not possible for now given her condition. Her ideas are becoming more grandiose as her health is declining. I know it is time to let them be and allow them to do what they want. However, they are not making the best decisions for themselves and I am wondering if my brother realizes they are in a train wreck waiting to happen. I don't want it to happen as long as I can prevent it. But, they think I'm the ill one with no common sense. I make no sense etc. I am livid at their criticism and their nonsense about their situation. They worked hard all of their lives. But, it is now time to retire and rest or at least do something more feasible and not something that involves the whole family sacrificing their time for my father's work etc. I am worried and can do nothing but watch and cringe. Does anybody have any suggestions about dealing with their elderly parents who are not able to make good decisions for themselves? Thank you!

Well... I'm an older person myself although not as old as your mother if she's in her mid 80's! (By the way, I'm in awe of your father assuming he's of similar age to your mother & he's still working!)

Honestly, I don't know as there is much of anything you can do here. Depending in the laws where your parents live, you could try to gain some sort of guardianship or conservatorship I suppose. But realistically I'm not sure that's practical. If there are senior services organizations where your parents live, you might check with them & see what, if any, services they might be able to provide. Perhaps a person from a social services agency that serves seniors, or a government social worker of some sort might be able to make a home visit to assess the situation & determine if there is anything that can or should be done.

Unfortunately, unless your mother & father want some sort of services, or a case can be made for their incompetence (unlikely it would seem since your father is still working), or that they're being abused, I doubt there's a lot you're going to be able to do to have an impact on this situation. So much of this, though, does probably depend on where your parents live. So that may well be the first thing to check out. Where I live, there are lots of services available for seniors. But I know that's not the case everywhere.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some interest:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-ways...aging-parents/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/keeping...s-lose-theirs/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/aging-p...al-well-being/

https://psychcentral.com/news/2015/0...nts/80537.html

My best wishes to you...

Thank you for the information. They are not being abused by my brother as far as I can tell. My parents are managing somehow. My mother is seeing the doctor next Tuesday about two weeks after she hit her head. I'm hoping she will be ok. My father is working still because he wants to work and stay in shape. But, he depends on my mother to do all of the housework and other chores. He does nothing but his work which is commendable at his age. I think their dissatisfaction and unhappiness are causing me stress. I will let them be because they don't want to change their situation. I worry about them but there is nothing I can do to help them. I will leave them alone. I have to take care of myself and will try to do what I can if they ask me to help.

I wonder if you could talk your parents into hiring help? I work as a nurse aide in home health care and your parents are pretty typical of what I see and hear about. Your mom sounds like she might have some cognitive issues, and on top of the accidents, she definitely can't continue like this. With a caregiver around, even for just a few hours every couple days, it can take a lot of stress off of your parents and you have someone there that can help identify bigger issues should they arise and in some cases, like falls, help to prevent them entirely.

Thank you for the advice. I told my brother about hiring help. I don't know if he will listen. I told my mother about hiring help too but she is resistant so far. She is paranoid and has a difficult time trusting people. I will see how things go for my family. Hopefully, when my mother sees her doctor next week, the result will be that they will find nothing damaging. However, she is saying her head really hurts and this worries me. I will just have to keep tabs on my parents and hope for the best. My mother's falls are becoming more frequent and her situation will probably become worse over time. I'm ready to do what I can for my mother when she asks. In the meantime, all I can do is suggest ideas and see if they respond.