People talking crap...

So, I'm curious how people cope with this kind of situation.

We've all had someone say something bad about us. Or someone who doesn't like us spreading rumors. I always tell myself to not bother with it and ignore them. What's that saying "the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind"?

So on the surface, I can do that. I don't engage in cat fights. I don't even address the bullies or gossips. I just let them go. They typically are very small people with little influence and whatever crap their spewing says more about them than me.

But internally it's such a huge struggle not to ruminate on it. It keeps coming up in my head and I have to keep reassuring myself that this piss-ant of a person has no influence on my life.

So I guess, how do you stop ruminating? Is it just practice?

Thanks,
Seesaw

I am having a hard time with this challenge as well seesaw. I think it's a challenge that a lot of people struggle with tbh.

if you ever figure it out please tell me!! I am currently struggling with that very same thing in a number of places and areas.

Hmm...just realized I should have asked DocJohn about this in his Q&A chat tonight...well, I start with a new T tomorrow, so we shall see if she has any ideas.

Good luck with new therapist, I hope she has some ideas/strategies.

I usually don’t dwell on things for too long so I don’t have any suggestions but I like idea about asking Dic John. I was in chat once and asked him about grief and bereavement/death in a family related concern (I felt my therapist wasn’t as helpful), and he said couple of things which were helpful. I actually started to feel better soon after. Could you PM him?

Thanks. I did the intake with the new T, but didn't quite get to this subject. It's funny, it's like old stuff comes back to my mind, things people said or did to me, and I'm angry all over again and have to like scream into a pillow about it.

Example: Today on my way to my T appointment, I passed by my old employer. It brought up the memories of the things going on there and things said about me, and I was very angry again. And not just like for a split second, I literally started yelling in my car what I would like to say to those people if I could. For like 30 minutes...

This happens often...

—what I’m trying to do after having a death in the family is to redirect to positive things in my life: build them, find them, create them. Build routines and activities, esp when I feel well. I heard of the rubber band method in which you,snap a rubber band on yr wrist to redirect from ruminating but then you need to,get involved,in something more absorbing.

30 minutes screaming I’d think indicates a lot of bottled up emotions/anger, and I am wondering seeing if you really are mad about that or perhaps about something else, something you bottled up from before (family of origin and childhood trauma etc). Just a thought. I might be wrong.

Some things just take time though. I cried about death in the family for almost two years (not like ongoing but at least once a day). I stopped crying. Recently. I just needed longer to heal I guess. So maybe your anger is still fresh hence it keeps coming back

I know the feeling. Remnants of my ex have popped up recently and I've felt the same exact way.

I think it's healthy to let it all out, in whatever way, and however often is needed. After a while, and after numerous times, it won't feel necessary anymore, and you will notice that the same anger level no longer exists. That can take time, and sometimes many months, but it will happen in due time.

As far as rumination goes, as you know, I ruminate too.

The best advice I can give is that whenever it happens, to redirect your thoughts to helpful ones that make you feel better, whatever that may be. Then, to redirect your focus to another activity and pour your energy into that activity for an extended period of time. I find that by moving by body to a different location even can help. Like, Ok, I'm doing it again -- time to redirect my thoughts and energy to something else more productive. Not sure if that helps you any, but it's what helps me when I get like that.

It only bothers me at that exact moment. Then I don’t think much of it after that. People say stuff at work, but they say stuff about everyone. I just let it go.

Plus more and more of these people are quitting or getting fired. So I don’t have to deal with as much as I used to.

I remind myself that they are miserable people whose worst punishment is living with themselves. Also, I pause and think of how awful it would be to, say, be married to that, or still be working there and dealing with it every day.

Keep in mind that almost always, such petty, childish behavior catches up with them somehow. They'll say something to the wrong person, someone in a position of authority will call them out on it, or people will start shunning them.

About your old workplace, you can always leave a review on one of the jobseeker websites. Then take comfort in the knowledge that you may save a talented, earnest job candidate the misery of working there.

One last thing: Maybe write letters telling these people exactly what you think of them. Really let loose. Then burn the letters and say, out loud, that you are releasing your anger along with their negative behavior.

And if all else fails, forgive them.

I wish I knew the answer to that one, seesaws

I think you're wonderful

I think the ability to gossip is a REQUIREMENT at my job from what I have observed over the years.

Build up self confidence and the ruminating disappears. Nearly all comments roll of my back. I actually got called evil this week. Meh. I like myself and that's what matters.

If someone really got to me I would say something and confront them. It doesnt even have to be mean. A simple: you said this, it's not true and I dont appreciate it.

At the end of the day what other people think really doesnt matter. Just do you.

So you're saying it just takes practice of being mindful to what it is: crap...and pushing yourself not to ruminate on it?

What bothers you more seesaw, that people talk crap about you or that you do not confront them about it?

Neither Reptile. As my original post said, it's that I ruminate over it.

Is that like the chicken or the egg..?
Maybe you can rid yourself the rumination of it if you confront those who talk crap, give them a piece of your mind..well, that would make me feel better anyways.
Sorry if I’m off target seesaw, can’t help but project myself into your situation and think what I would do or how I would feel. It’s not always helpful 😛

No worries. It's not that it bothers me, it's just that I can't get it out of my head. It's like a thing that keeps playing in my head, like a song that you can't get out of your head. So I keep having to talk about it, even though I really don't care.

Yes! I never thought I would agree with mindfulness, but my a good amount of therapy has shown me it actually does work. Being in the moment. Your mind wanders and you simply correct and redirect. Of course it's not actually simple, but practice makes perfect.

I just need to get off Facebook entirely. As much as try to extricate myself from drama and assholes, they find me.