Coping?

I don't even know if I cope like normal people do. I don't know if I even cope with emotions.
I don't think I belong here. I haven't gone through what so many beautiful people here have gone through. THEY deserve the support.
I hate these emotions. I don't belong here, but these past days have brought up questions and questions and situations which makes me feel as if I'm going to die if I don't get answers. I've never questioned myself. I was fine. I don't matter. All I am here, all I was born for, is to serve others. When I was nine and I told myself over and over that it doesn't matter if I was left alone. All I am is a lamp to other people. Use that lamp, and when it dies down, throw it away. You only live when you help others. That's all you're here for. To be a role model. Be a good girl. Never got in trouble. A perfect student. "Still so rebellious."
Don't talk back. You are a child. Keep quiet. You don't know anything. You're wrong. I'm wise. I'm older.
Hypocrite.
Punishment. It's normal. Everyone gets punished. It's not even bad. See? It's over. You're older. Don't say anything and he'll let you go. He trusts you more now. Say sorry. Keep quiet. Stop crying now. Ok.
Put it back in the box. Smile. Listen to others. Give advice they never take. They never listen.
So angry. I want to show them. I want to teach them a lesson. I can do more.
Stupid. You don't deserve to. Filter your words. Be kind. Smile. Suppress. Throw it all away. You're above all that. Emotions are meaningless. So fickle. Don't you dare pity yourself. You know you're worthless. Not worthless. You have a different purpose.
You are different. You only exist for others. Serve. Put all of what you feel in the box. Hide it away. Throw it out. Back to normal.
Delete. Delete all this. You're fine. You don't need help. You're a fake.
I just want to tell someone.
People will never understand.
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I'm really sorry for this mess of a post. Sometimes my thoughts conflict.
I finally came on this site because I had some concerns. I took a couple of the tests repeatedly, and received some possible diagnosis. In all honesty, I'm very conflicted right now. I should be able to keep it in as usual. I don't need this. I don't consider anything that happened to me to be of severity. It's life. You go through things. I should be able to keep it in check. Yet another part of me is begging to do this because I just need to know if I have anything. I don't need a therapist or psychiatrist- my family would never think I need one, never bring me to one. After all, they think mental illness is something far away, people just being stupid and sad.
I'm stupid and sad. And then I hate myself for being so, because there's no need for me to be sad. Ungrateful behavior. Sometimes I'm confident. I'm on top of the world. Everything's so bright and beautiful and I feel like the ruler of it all. People are so fascinating. I want to do great things. I know I can. And then I'm crashing down. I'm weak. Look at all this. I can't even follow my plans. Others are. Others can do it. They can follow what they did yesterday. They can do it tomorrow. You can't even do what you said you would. Liar. Fake. Shut up. Compose. You're fine. I'm fine. You'll get through it, and you'll be back to normal. The thoughts won't disturb you. You won't be a madman. You were just a little weird at the time. Like now. You're just being emotional. It's nothing. Calm.
Now when I write about things like this I start going off track. I have pages of thoughts written down. It's great, optimistic. Look at the good. And then he comes in. Everything is stupid. Throw it all away.
Another. You're worthless. You're probably faking it. You're probably being dumb. Just follow the plan.
I have to sound pleasant. I have to filter it all. Maybe I should try posting this. If it doesn't work out, I can always abort this. Go back. I'm fine. I hate talking about myself. There's no reason to. there's no need. Why bother. It's just one person. Not a person. One meat sack. Just a being. Doesn't matter. Don't waste people's time.
It's already 12:30. It's already almost two hours since you tried writing this. Don't bother posting. Stupid.
Just do it now. I'm fine now.

OMG...! This brought tears to my eyes. (A lot of it sounds way too familiar.) I know you wrote you don't need a therapist or a psychiatrist. But I think you do probably need somebody you can talk to.

I'll tell you there are things about myself I never shared with anyone for most of my life. (I'll spare you the details.) Some but not all of it came spilling awkwardly out a few years ago. Still... no one was really interested. So I soon crept back into the closet, so to speak, & closed the door. I'm still there. And I can tell you, from personal experience, it is exhausting!

You do matter. And, no, there is no "minimum criteria" you have to measure up to in order to qualify as being worthy of help. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support. But there's really no substitute for real-life help. So I hope that, in some way, you can find a way to reach out. I wish you well...

What you wrote here is almost poetic to me. Certainly I can relate to some of the thoughts you shared. I imagine many people can relate. I think it helps to talk to others because once you get outside your own head, you realize there are many others going through the same or similar issues.❤️