Stuck in an endless rut.

I dont do anything. I dont work, I dont go to school, i dont have a friend that I can talk to. I can go weeks without saying a word. I literally have nothing going on in my life. Failed out of school and fired from every job I have had(crippling anxiety). I stay home all day, neglect myself and eat, which fuels my depression even more. Insecure about my looks,never been in a relationship. I've accomplished nothing in my life. The 1 person I do live with(my mom) doesnt speak to me. She has a car but refused to give me a ride anywhere( one time she purposely backed up the car as I was trying to get in and nearly ran over my foot).

I've been trying to apply to jobs, but so far nothing. I dont even have a car, and its harder to get around. I've taken the bus before, but waiting on the street while having dozens of cars pass by triggers my anxiety horribly. I feel so vulnerable and 'naked' standing on the sidewalk. This makes me avoid taking the bus too. The only jobs i qualify for(fast food, retail) leave me depressed. One of my last coworkers(17 year old) made an insulting comment to a customer about how I was nearly 30 when she thought I was younger than I actually am.

I hear her (my mother) making plans to move to another state, which tbh i dont really care about, other than not having anywhere to go. I know my dad would let me stay with him vs the street, but my stepmother hates me,so i rarely go there, on top feeling embarrassed for accomplishing nothing.. I would rather live on the street.

Two younger siblings are at college, and one is in his senior year of high school and currently 2nd in his class. I didnt even graduate high school. One of my sisters is applying to medical school. I feel so ashamed.

I dont know how to get myself out of this rut. Im an adult! I should have my sh## together! Theres nothing stopping me from being happy other than myself right? Sometimes I wish i had the guts to go through with 'it'. But I dont. I desperately want to be happy.

During a partial hospital program I once attended, they told us: "Don't should on yourself." Fighting your way back from depression can be excruciatingly difficult. I hope that, in some way, you can find a path to deep peace within...

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You're a valuable human being.

As long as you think you can make a change, it's better to do it "late" then not at all.. You might be an adult and regret a lot of your life, but there are still many years for you to look forward to..

Start at the small things you know get you down and work your way up; you shouldn't expect yourself to get a good job right away, but maybe try dealing with your ways of thinking as a start - think of a special word, and every time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, or telling yourself why it's hopeless, say that word and cut those thoughts off. It's ok if it doesn't work from the start and if you find yourself not being able to fight them off sometimes, but it's better to have less of those thoughts.
As you climb up the ladder, you should be able to reach better qualifications and get a more fulfilling job in the end. It probably won't be any time soon, but you can use that to comfort yourself and give yourself hope when you're down in the dumps.
As for friends - they're very good to have to help you find your way through your problems. Try looking around this very forum for them. Just like other small steps forward, try devoting a little time and effort each day to them, try to comfort yourself after setbacks, and if you know you'd do something destructive to your efforts, try to have a little space - a good friend will understand.

Remember - not everything might go as planned, but that's ok
My hope in you makes me feel you'll get where you best be eventually

Though it is not easy to do, try not to compare yourself to others--we are all unique.

While you are applying for jobs--have you considered studying for a GED (a test that is the equivalent of graduating from high school)? There are many free online prep courses--if you can pass your GED, it might open up some other possibilities. Also, do you have access to mental health care such as a therapist? It sounds like your worries (anxiety?), depression, OCD, whatever (I am not a qualified mental health professional so I am guessing) could be interfering with your life. I am sorry you are struggling. Hang in there....

You aren't the only one. I can't work, I don't have a car, I'm almost always broke, and almost no one talks to me. I've been trying to just take things one day at a time. Sometimes just an hour at a time. It's hard, but if you're able to stop comparing yourself to other people, you'll feel a lot better. It just takes practice to not worry about that kind of thing.

((((BadWolfC))))

Your the only one who can get you out of a rut. One step at a time. Focus on getting your mental health under control. Get to a psychiatrist be evaluated, treated, and than the world will start to open up. Next get a Ged or a job, whichever strikes your fancy. Than you can worry about a car, but medical transport can take you to appointments and some services provide transportation to work. You are not your sisters. I am not my brother. Do the best you can do. Strive for a better life for yourself.

Oh and start applying to subsidized housing or disabled housing. You should be on disability if not apply to SSD. But to apply you need to be working with a doctor. So get to a doctor.