Everyday's harder for me to be myself

First of all, I know going to therapy could be a solution to (some of) the problems I'll tell here, but the thing is that I don't want to go therapy. I don't wanna get diagnosed, change and actually have to reveal my true self. Apart from that, I'm too skeptic about medications, especially for psychological issues. I've went to doctors in order to get medications for physical problems I've had and apart from not fixing any problem I had, they just added more problems in me.

Sorry if this actually triggers you, as I know that many people could've been abused by someone, doesn't matter if it was a psychopath/sociopath or not, and this might be triggering for this kind of people.

I've been thinking for some months wether or not I might be developing a sociopathic or antisocial personality. I don't actually care at all about labels, the thing is that I feel really identified with the symptoms presented in sociopathy and ASPD (not completely identified, though, I've never broke any serious rule or been engaged in criminal behaviour). When I got "identified" with ASPD and sociopathy I was better than I was now.

I mean, back then I didn't think of killing anyone, but I wanted to kill a lot of people. Mostly for no reason, but still didn't think it was actually a good idea. I had more emotions and I wasn't always under a mask, I wasn't much manipulative and only lied when I felt anxious and wanted to avoid negative consequences. But now I can barely feel any emotion apart from anger, frustration and boredom, I'm even calmed when things that made me feel nervous before occur. I'm always thinking of killing, I watch movies and series and read books and articles related with sociopathy and psychopathy/ASPD and serial killers and I feel identified with them. I stop caring about others, I just feel empathy when I feel I am or I can be identified with the person who's suffering (for example, someone poor). I manipulate people for fun and for my own sake, I hide behind a mask and I constantly lie. I tend to be impulsive and irresponsible, but I have been this way all my life, I could say.

I don't care wether or not I'm a sociopath. I clearly know what I am, but I can't even be. I mean, the fact of not being able to cope with the few emotions I feel make me feel tired and indifferent/numb, and this makes my mask weak. I unable to fake my emotions, I was able to some weeks ago, but right now I'm almost dead. I can only laugh and express anger, and it's not very common in me. I have told all of this to the closest friends and they haven't been really interested in this.

I hate people, animals are the only ones I don't hate - just because they're not like people. Even though I hurted animals when I was a kid, especially small insects (they were easier and no one cared about them), now I would only hurt an animal for a good reason. Most of my hate for people and society comes from the fact that people have always treated me as an inferior, weak and stupid child. My family is always criticising me and they made me feel I was inferior and useless. I always told the truth because I was afraid of my father, and since it didn't help me in any way, I decided at some point to start forgetting about telling the truth and being a good boy. Society never respected me or tried to be good with me, and that frustrates me a lot. Know that they actually created a monster like me is both pathetic and exciting.

But still, I don't know what to do. I have no motivation, everything is boring for me after some days or less, I'm always starting tasks I never finish, all I do is listen music and sleeping because I find nothing else to do. I have even thought of getting drugs to motivate myself, but it would be pretty obvious that I'm under drug effects, so I don't find it a good idea. I've also thought of destroying the streets, since I really love chaos and destroying things, but I'm unable of feeling any motivation for it. My life's a routine and I don't really know what to do to kill this routine that makes me sick. If you were able of giving me some advices or ideas (not only to cope with boredom), I would be appreciated.

By the way, I have ideals and a moral code I follow. I would never rape anyone, and if I kill, I'd like to kill for a reason, be it to entertain myself or because I find that person really deserved that. I'm not crazy and I'm just a person who suffered during his childhood, not from a traumatic event (or at least I don't think so), but from emotional abuse. I'm not trying to justify anything, I never killed or raped anyone, as I said before, I never broke the law.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all fo this, dannypk16 It seems like you're going through a lot right now. I know you've said you don't want to go to a therapist, but I feel like he/she could really help you. Please try to ask for help to someone. You deserve to get better and to feel good. You deserve to live a normal life just like everyone else. Even meds could help a lot. I'm so sorry. Try to hang on. Remember that you're stronger than you think. You've got this. Things won't stay like this forever. They can and will get better. You just need some help, that's all. Please don't give up. You're worth it. Your life is worth it. You're still in time to change things. Think about what is the best thing to do for yourself and others. I won't tell you what you have to do. The final decision is up to you. Just think about it. That's all I'm asking you. I'm here for you if you need to talk about it. You're not alone here. We all care about you here. We all love you here. We won't judge you. You're a warrior. Keep fighting. Stay strong, dannypk16. Stay safe and take care of yourself. If things get bad, try to call an hotline or try to go to an hospital and ask for help. Hopefully they will be able to help you. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

I have dissociative identity disorder (with over 30 diffrent personalities)
so I know what you mean

I mean what even is being myself

who even Am i?

I'm too skeptical and insecure with therapists. I went to a school therapist time ago because my degrees were on decline and teachers thought I had a problem. When I went there I lied about why my degrees declined and other things because I didn't want and I didn't know how to explain that I couldn't work and study, that I wanted but I couldn't. Still, I told some truths and I paid for doing it. My family started controlling me after getting the results.

Well, actually I know who I am, it's just that I show a few true things about me. I don't know if it's a mechanism to protect myself (since if you're faking your personality, any critics they make of you shouldn't affect you, plus you decide how to act and that may be useful in some cases), but seems like that's the reason why I do it. I don't manipulate people that much (and when I do it I'm not conscious of it most of the time), so I don't find it a reason why.