[TheCondimentKing]

Hello all! This is my first post so sorry for any mistakes. Also, trigger warning, I'm going to talk about suicide and feelings associated with it.

My girlfriend recently attempted suicide for the second time in our relationship recently. After she was released recently I have been unable to cope as well as I have in the past. I get overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety and I begin to worry about how she is feeling at all times and what condition she is in. This usually develops into feelings of hopelessness about what I can do to help her. I than can only focus on worst case scenarios and at that point I can no longer function in any capacity for awhile. Additionally, her family as well as mine think I'm "strong" which allows them to vent all of their concerns and worries on to me. I want to be the person people can talk to, but it's fueling my negative emotions.

I suppose what I'm asking is... How can I overcome these feelings? Does anyone have any advice for me, my girlfriend or either of our situations? Thank you in advance, I appreciate it. Again, sorry if I made any mistakes!

You have a lot on your plate.

You may want to tell your family and her family that you don't have the capacity to take in all of their emotions. I feel that you can ask them for support in ways that lightens your burden, instead of adding to it.

[June Gloom]

I don't have experience with this sort of thing, but if you don't already see a therapist it might help cope, or find a close friend you are able to confide in. Stay strong!

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by TheCondimentKing

My girlfriend recently attempted suicide for the second time in our relationship recently. After she was released recently I have been unable to cope as well as I have in the past. I get overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety and I begin to worry about how she is feeling at all times and what condition she is in.

Have you heard of codependency? It sounds like you might be codependent. A lot of codependent people become very emeshed in each others' lives and well being. It is important to maintain an independent you during her time of need.

This usually develops into feelings of hopelessness about what I can do to help her. I than can only focus on worst case scenarios and at that point I can no longer function in any capacity for awhile.

This reminds me of something I do as well that I call "catastrophic thinking". Its sort of like.. when my window of tolerance gets lower and lower I have to function but still try and deal with the stressful situation that is affecting my tolerance. This sometimes leads to unreasonable worry and worst case scenario worries. EX: If I am worried about my son (he just had a stroke in Nov and is 22) and it becomes too much and its stormy outside.. I may start to worry about what if he gets trapped in a tornado or caught in a blizzard even though that is not what is really happening with the weather. But my concern for his well being is so high and severe that it transfers to cases like I mentioned. I realize its not rational but feel like I cant help it. I do not know if that makes sense to you but its the best I could do to explain it.

Additionally, her family as well as mine think I'm "strong" which allows them to vent all of their concerns and worries on to me. I want to be the person people can talk to, but it's fueling my negative emotions.

Why do you want to be the person people can talk to? What do you get out of it? It sounds like it is not good for you.
I suppose what I'm asking is... How can I overcome these feelings? Does anyone have any advice for me, my girlfriend or either of our situations? Thank you in advance, I appreciate it. Again, sorry if I made any mistakes![/QUOTE]

[aimlesshiker]

Definitely look into therapy and self-care. Even within your post, you automatically apologize for any mistakes you might have made (it's not bad, and of course it's good to follow the rules of any online community!). But there's no need to worry or be apologetic when you don't even know if you've done anything wrong. I point this out because, well, it's a behavior I've noticed in myself as well

Also, try to establish some boundaries with everyone who comes flocking to you to vent. Tell them that although you care about them, hearing about their concerns only fuels yours more. Let them know how stressful being the "receiver" is all the time. Perhaps you could ask one of them if you could vent to THEM.

The "catastrophic thinking" is also something I relate to. You should look up cognitive distortions (sometimes called Automatic Negative Thoughts, or ANTs):
PsychCentral Cognitive Distortions
Cognitive Distortions printable PDF

Of course, it's important for you to be aware of your girlfriend's emotions if it seems like she's leaning towards self-harm. However, I hope you can find a good balance of caring for her while also caring for yourself and not getting too stressed out.

[TheCondimentKing]

Hello again! I thought I'd post an update if anyone is curious.

I have reached out to some family for venting, and it has helped slightly. I do have plans in the next couple days to see the University counselor that is available to me, I'm hoping that it might be of some help to me. The idea of having to go to the appointment does worry me, but I believe I'll be able to overcome it.
I did look into the codependency thingy that sarahsweets posted, and I do think that sounds relevant enough to me to continue looking into it. In regards to me being the person people talk to, it's kind of difficult to describe so I'll do my best. Basically, if they don't vent to me, they vent directly to my girlfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if they could vent in a civil manner. The best example of this is my girlfriend coming home from the mental health facility that she had to stay at for days and my sister yelling at her when she walked through the door for the anxiety and stress she put her through. Obviously, not the best way to be welcomed home in such a fragile state.

Anyway, I do appreciate the advice and stuff given by everyone. Thank you everyone for your help, and please wish me luck tackling my newest challenge. Mountains of schoolwork and a potential failed class due to attendance.

Oh CondimentKing, I am so very sorry that you and you gf are in this very painful situation I don't think you need to be labeling yourself as codependent or anything else right now...you sound like an intelligent and loving person who is naturally having stress and concerns associated with your gf's multiple suicide attempts. I live with depression myself; hearing and honoring the perspective of the partner is really important.

What struck me when I read your first post is that it sounds like your gf's depression is triggering some clinical depression within you. Spending a lot of time with someone who is severely depressed, particularly without an active and reliable support network, can certainly increase your risk of depression. That said, there are always options and ways of moving forward. I do not want you to lose hope.

I think a support network is the first thing I'd suggest. Your plan to see the Uni counselor sounds wise. I really hope that person will respond to you with grace, empathy, and insight. That is what you deserve. Are there other people who can support you? I'm talking anything at all...a friend who can go out with you for an eve or chat or share a hobby with? Need not be telling people about your troubles...even just having a few friends to socialize with could really help.

You need to be able to step outside of the situation on a regular basis...to let go of the intense stress. Have you tried guided meditation? There are excellent videos on YouTube. These could help your girlfriend too. Such as a search for "guided meditation for suicidal ideation" or "guided meditation for panic" etc. Research indicates that daily meditation can significantly reduce depression and anxiety and also improve physical health.

How is your girlfriend doing at this point? I don't think you mentioned how long ago since she returned from the facility. It sounds like you two live together, do I have that right? Is she taking ownership of her depression? Is she working with an outpatient psychologist and developing strategies for managing it and moving forward? I say that not from a place of judgment, but from care and regard for both of you. Any adult with a recurring or chronic health issue, whether it's depression or a physical ailment, needs to take full responsibility for their own well-being. I have to monitor my own depression. When it gets out of whack or starts to feel overwhelming, I go to my personal strategies or to a doctor or therapist for fresh ideas and support. I will share my feelings with my partner but it is not his responsibility to manage my mental health. Do you see what I mean?

With depression, or any other problem in life, adults need to want to help themselves. We cannot do it for them, no matter how much we love them and want them to be well. If you feel as though you are responsible for whether your girlfriend thrives or falters, lives or dies, I recommend that you take some time alone to think things over. I really hope that the University counselor will help you find ways to take good care of yourself. Your priority should be caring for yourself first. If your girlfriend is not doing well, she needs to talk to an experienced professional. You cannot do that for her. I wish you and your girlfriend peace and hope.

Sometimes

Sometimes things don't go, after all,
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don't fail,
sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.

A people sometimes will step back from war;
elect an honest man, decide they care
enough, that they can't leave some stranger poor.
Some men become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best efforts do not go
amiss, sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen: may it happen for you.

Sheenagh Pugh

(May it happen for you CondimentKing )