What Is the Difference Between Being Offended and Harmed? | Psychology Today

I took a call today from a friend who was unsure how she should feel about a situation which just occurred in her life. I've been there too! I shared this article with her and we went through her situation step by step. By the end, she said: "I was offended, I was not harmed...now I know how to move forward."

I'm going to keep coming back to this article as I work through family issues which continue to trouble me.

I am hoping it will help others too. if anyone cares to share a situation where harm versus offense is confusing, fire away!

[TishaBuv]

I’ve been thinking about this article. I never thought ‘offended’ as the proper definition for what I have experienced as psychological/emotional ‘hurt’.

[unaluna]

Good article, thanks.

Then there are us dopes who will hold our head up and refuse to show offense, and not accept or recognize that we've been harmed. Sometimes this is in service of turning the other cheek, sometimes it's in service of keeping a damaging and desperate relationship, such as when we are children. Then the behavior pattern persists into adulthood.

[happysobercrafter]

@SilverTrees

OMG!!!!!!!!!!! That is Awesome!! Look how you helped her!!! And us too sharing this here!!!!! I hope you are jumping for joy because you just helped her turn her life around.

You helped me too because I worry about and try to figure out how to reach folks so they understand they have to learn new habits so their recovery is successful. You just showed me how to do that. Thank you!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

[Poiuytl]

Being manipulated, is that an offense or harmful? Being betrayed and robbed of confidence, is that an offense? If somebody punches me in the face, so that is a harm? I either very much disagree, or I am confused. I have been physically attacked, and that was very easy to deal with for me, because all was clear, the evidence, question of guilt, etc.

I have been privately and verbally attacked in certain ways, and that was far more harmful than any physical attack I have experienced.

Again, I might be confused. But the fact that I am confused is already a sign of some harm done right to my cognitive center - by manipulation of truth.

Any thoughts?

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Poiuytl

Being manipulated, is that an offense or harmful? Being betrayed and robbed of confidence, is that an offense? If somebody punches me in the face, so that is a harm? I either very much disagree, or I am confused. I have been physically attacked, and that was very easy to deal with for me, because all was clear, the evidence, question of guilt, etc.

I have been privately and verbally attacked in certain ways, and that was far more harmful than any physical attack I have experienced.

Again, I might be confused. But the fact that I am confused is already a sign of some harm done right to my cognitive center - by manipulation of truth.

Any thoughts?

Ditto for me!

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Ditto for me!

It’s rather invalidating. I thought taking offense was like if someone used foul language and it was rude.

[TishaBuv]

Taking Offense | Psychology Today
Here’s an article I found about taking offense. To me, something called ‘offensive ‘ is at a lesser degree than the kind of painful hurts we greatly suffer from.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I’ve been thinking about this article. I never thought ‘offended’ as the proper definition for what I have experienced as psychological/emotional ‘hurt’.

Yes, everyone has their own perceptions and words they prefer, right? Nothing wrong with that. Would you differentiate between having been emotionally hurt and being harmed? Per the author's description, or do you perceive those as the same thing?

Originally Posted by Poiuytl

Being manipulated, is that an offense or harmful? Being betrayed and robbed of confidence, is that an offense? If somebody punches me in the face, so that is a harm? I either very much disagree, or I am confused. I have been physically attacked, and that was very easy to deal with for me, because all was clear, the evidence, question of guilt, etc.

I have been privately and verbally attacked in certain ways, and that was far more harmful than any physical attack I have experienced.

Again, I might be confused. But the fact that I am confused is already a sign of some harm done right to my cognitive center - by manipulation of truth.

Any thoughts?

If you read the article, the author breaks down the difference with examples.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

It’s rather invalidating. I thought taking offense was like if someone used foul language and it was rude.

I don't know if you got a chance to read the article....the author breaks it down with examples.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

I don't know if you got a chance to read the article....the author breaks it down with examples.

Yes, I read it. I really have no issues with it and many may find it helpful.

Yes, I’m certainly offended by the bad treatment I’ve gotten that I feel I didn’t deserve.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yes, I read it. I really have no issues with it and many may find it helpful.

Yes, I’m certainly offended by the bad treatment I’ve gotten that I feel I didn’t deserve.

Are you referring to bad treatment on this thread or in your life?

Perhaps thinking about the difference between 'hurt' and 'abuse' is more helpful? People hurt us sometimes...that doesn't mean they have abused us. A friend recently disappeared from my life. I felt hurt about that for a while but she did not abuse me, see what I mean? Also, my feeling hurt was my responsibility to deal with....I didn't put that on her.

Abuse is inherently hurtful but not all hurts are acts of abuse.

I went to a group event where there was a gift exchange. I was the new person in the group so when I picked a gift to bring, I had not met any of the other people in the group. It's hard to pick a gift for someone you don't know.
Anyway, as the gift exchange game progressed and different people chose gifts to open, my gift was opened. Several people started mocking the gift I brought. They didn't think it was a very good one. I was embarrassed and my feelings were a bit hurt but they hadn't abused me, see what I mean? I might say they were lacking decorum and good manners....but that's very different from abuse.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

Perhaps thinking about the difference between 'hurt' and 'abuse' is more helpful? People hurt us sometimes...that doesn't mean they have abused us. A friend recently disappeared from my life. I felt hurt about that for a while but she did not abuse me, see what I mean? Also, my feeling hurt was my responsibility to deal with....I didn't put that on her.

Abuse is inherently hurtful but not all hurts are acts of abuse.

I went to a group event where there was a gift exchange. I was the new person in the group so when I picked a gift to bring, I had not met any of the other people in the group. It's hard to pick a gift for someone you don't know.
Anyway, as the gift exchange game progressed and different people chose gifts to open, my gift was opened. Several people started mocking the gift I brought. They didn't think it was a very good one. I was embarrassed and my feelings were a bit hurt but they hadn't abused me, see what I mean? I might say they were lacking decorum and good manners....but that's very different from abuse.

I meant people IRL hurt me, nothing wrong on this thread.

To me, your friend who disappeared hurt you. Don’t you think the word ‘offended’ seems a little off on that one? While the gift that was criticized, to me, does seem like something to be offended over. I may be wrong, just my opinion.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I meant people IRL hurt me, nothing wrong on this thread.

To me, your friend who disappeared hurt you. Don’t you think the word ‘offended’ seems a little off on that one? While the gift that was criticized, to me, does seem like something to be offended over. I may be wrong, just my opinion.

I think we are using words differently...that may be causing some confusion. No worries.

[Poiuytl]

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

If you read the article, the author breaks down the difference with examples.

"Having one's feelings hurt without any physical contact at all is an offense, not necessarily harm."

This is a quote from the article and I find it illogical, questionably worded, paradox even. Break it down, and you have "Having one's feelings hurt is not necessarily harm".

That to me is actually a rather frighteningly obtuse statement. Especially the "without any physical contact" clause - that in a magazine "Psychology Today"?

So, "Having your feelings hurt with some physical contact", that's harm then? Or only when something's broken?

The examples, to me, didn't make anything better, because they seemed trivial to me.

But the abstract descriptions of a strange theory were for me: well, I would say "offensive". I don't feel harmed by the way, though my feelings were hurt, so maybe the whole article is its own best example.

Sorry, by the way, for being a bit controversial here. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Poiuytl

"Having one's feelings hurt without any physical contact at all is an offense, not necessarily harm....
Sorry, by the way, for being a bit controversial here. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I think thats why, in complex ptsd, which yes i understand is still under debate, the definition is that persistent, continuing verbal abuse DOES commit harm. So this article is making the distinction that a person might bounce back from an occasion of hurt feelings without NECESSARILY having been harmed. A one-off vs a lifetime being the two ends of the spectrum.

Originally Posted by unaluna

I think thats why, in complex ptsd, which yes i understand is still under debate, the definition is that persistent, continuing verbal abuse DOES commit harm. So this article is making the distinction that a person might bounce back from an occasion of hurt feelings without NECESSARILY having been harmed. A one-off vs a lifetime being the two ends of the spectrum.

True. And once we are into abuse territory, harm is inevitable.

There are also occasions when we may feel hurt and need to really assess whether that's reasonable. For example, one day I told a friend: "I love your outfit. It looks French!" She looked offended and replied: "I don't know what you mean by that." I said "Oh sorry. I mean it looks very chic and lovely. France is one of the fashion capitals of the world. They dress very well." She replied: "Well EXCUSE me for not knowing the fashion capitals of the world!" She clearly felt hurt and angry but there I was thinking I was giving her a compliment on her beautiful outfit.

She was not abused in that situation.
Nor was she harmed.
She did indeed feel hurt. That was apparent. But was it my fault that she felt hurt? Even after I explained, she was still angry with me.

Was I responsible for her feeling hurt or did she need to address her own self-esteem and lack of trust in others? She immediately assumed that I was up to no good even though I always treated her well. She must have had some sort of core belief about herself that was negative. But that was not my fault. Just as it is not the fault of others if I feel hurt by an innocent comment they make....I am responsible for my own feelings.

And if someone makes a rude or offensive comment to me, I need to be an adult and deal with it and move on.

[unaluna]

She was obviously on, how you say? "le rag!"

Im sorry that happened to you! I was gonna make a remark to the guy on the bus next to me yesterday about one of the bus ads, and then when he didnt smile back at me, i remembered stories about people just hauling off and choking people, and i shut up.

I just laughed out loud at "le rag"

Perhaps I should have said that to make her laugh and smooth everything over. yeah right!!!

One thing I don't like doing is walking on eggshells around people. I grew up in a family where I had to do that constantly. It led me to be close to silent at home for many years.

[Turtle_Rider]

Thanks for sharing the article. It's such an interesting read.

I simply think that being harmed is when someone endanger you; whether it is your life, your reputation, your physical, etc including your emotion. The damage is higher and may lasted for the entire life. Verbal abuse is one of the example.
being offended is when someone hurt your feelings, but not causing any danger. I consider this as an insult that you can forget easily. In some cases, it also can be denial, for example like a positive criticism you cannot accept.

I admit the article is kind of vague, but unaluna has explained this clearly (to me). Just putting my two cents here.

Originally Posted by Turtle_Rider

Thanks for sharing the article. It's such an interesting read.

I simply think that being harmed is when someone endanger you; whether it is your life, your reputation, your physical, etc including your emotion. The damage is higher and may lasted for the entire life. Verbal abuse is one of the example.
being offended is when someone hurt your feelings, but not causing any danger. I consider this as an insult that you can forget easily. In some cases, it also can be denial, for example like a positive criticism you cannot accept.

I admit the article is kind of vague, but unaluna has explained this clearly (to me). Just putting my two cents here.

Great points. Thank you for sharing.

That's intersting I just saw this post SilverTrees. I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness today. I find forgiveness helpful AND challenging, but not undoable. I have heard forgiveness be described as not linear. Much like recovery. You have good days and bad days with it. Depending on the harm or offense.

I sort of got the sense that he was making offenses seem lighter. I sort of skimmed it though. If you feel hurt by someone, you feel hurt by them. There may not be consequences to your job or reputation or physical body, but there are consequences of someones actions or words towards you to your psyche, heart, and soul. So I'm not sure I 100% see hurt and offended in the light that he puts it. But I see what he is saying.

I also have been thinking a LOT lately, about conflict resolution and communication skills. Sometimes depressed and anxious and traumatized people, don't have such skills. And its not anybody's fault. Sometimes people just aren't getting the best help for their illnesses and problems, and they are stuck. That is understandable because there are not always well skilled or trained therapists available and not everyone is raised with that sort of guidance. Sometimes people don't have the means for that either (not enough finances to afford good therapy). And etc. But nonetheless, learning how to deal with conflict, be assertive, and communicate effectively, does wonders for peoples relationships. I'm probably going much off topic. Oh well.

I do think that that offense vs harmed can put things in perspective. I think the line can be VERY blurry. But like he said, he prescribes forgiveness to both offense and harmed. I see value in forgiveness.