My miserable life

I am in my late 30s. Live alone. Without a job. Struggle to make ends meet. With no friends. No relationship. And live 1000s of miles away from my family. I went to sleep, but I couldn't sleep. Instead I started to sob, literally. I started to think how my life has become meaningless and has been wasted for nothing. I have severe anxiety and panic attacks and a hint of OCD, as well as deep depression. I have the fear of failing and of being judged, so I avoid doing anything or talk to anyone unnecessarily. I don't stand to myself. I have a defeated spirit, which feeds my depression even more.

I wasn't like this. Until recently, I was fighting for myself. Trying to take my place in the world. Going out to the cinema by myself when no one accepts to go out with me. Walk in the city between people alone. Trying to have fun. But then, in the last 5 years something fundamentally has changed. I believe it has to do with shattering my belief system which I was relying on in my difficult and lonely times. This has set the misery in motion. Suddenly, I found myself alone. Abandoned. I have never been sociable which I believe has to do with the abuse I was subjected to, but I wasn't deeply depressed when I was let down and avoided by others. I have always been socially awkward. But I was comforted by the scriptures. Now, I have no one to console me. People are cold and I can see their judgement in their eyes, and hear it in their silence.

The past abuse started to re-surface again gradually with my struggle to find a job with my complete social isolation. I have become angry, depressed, anxious, indignant, bitter, and feeling guilty. My father is a master in making me feel guilty. He taught me this from a young age. Until this day, if I send him a text and he doesn't reply withing 10 minutes, I assume he is mad at me, and I start to feel depressed and guilty. These emotions are destroying me. I cannot even tap on the resources available to me to find a job properly. I am afraid to be told I am inadequate. I tried some resources, but I quit them because I felt I will never find a job because I didn't see any real change for 4 months, and I was overwhelmed by the assignments and obligations and workshops and training .... When I sent the trainer I made a mistake and would like to return to the training if possible, she didn't reply to me. I don't blame her. I wasn't patient.

But in general I am not being taken seriously because of my anxiety and depression and low self-esteem. A few weeks ago I had a panic attack. It was my first. So, I didn't know what it was, but I felt like dying and throat was closing. I went to the ER, and after waiting for 9 hours, the doctor who saw me took me lightly because I already felt better by the time I saw her, and she was trying to find any conflicting words in what I say. I felt she was thinking I was lying!! After I left I went to a walk-in clinic, and the doctor told me it sounds like a panic attack, and prescribed me some medications to relax.

This is my story. The story of a meaningless and painful existence. What also pains me is how I think my parents feel, and they are old now. They probably would love to see me married and settled and see their grandchildren before they pass away, but I don't see that happening I am ruined forever, and lost my battles and desire to live and be better. And I feel guilty about that. Depressed guilty because not just my life has been wasted for nothing, but theirs as well. I feel I wasted their efforts. But I partly blame them for my situation and theirs, because they created this socially awkward immature person who is weak and inept for this jungle life because of their tough and strict over protection and stubbornness.

I can relate, @Nxious. I'm so sorry that you're going through ALL of this Please don't be hard on yourself. It's not your fault like you've said. Our parents have LOTS of influence on how we will turn out to be. You didn't choose to be depressed obviously. I'd suggest a therapist if you can afford it. Since you don't have a job currently perhaps that's not possible at the moment. I'd suggest to keep looking for a job... ANY job you can get, at the very least to get the ball rolling. I feel like starting out is the most difficult part but once you're past that things get easier and easier. Please keep looking as much as you possibly can. Don't worry too much about being good enough or not. Just try to do your best because that's ALWAYS good enough as that's ALL you can do as a human being. Hopefully working will restore a bit of your confidende and you will get a little bit of money. Once you feel like you have enough, you may want to consider a therapist. Perhaps you can ask for some help from your parents? It's likely NOT easy for you to ask something like that to them, but perhaps it's worth a try if you feel like they'll help you. I'm so sorry for all the abuse you've been through. You didn't deserve it. Nobody does. Just remember that things can still change and that it's NEVER too late. You don't have to be what you parents made you or what your parents WANT you to be. If you want to have a family and kids, that's great, but it must be for YOURSELF. If you don't, then just don't. You don't have to do this to please them. You're doing this for yourself. I hope you'll be able to practice some self-love. Perhaps you can keep a journal and write down ALL the positive things you're dong every day and ALL the positive qualities you have. Remember that everyone has qualities, just like everyone has flaws. One can't exist without the others. So please give yourself a pat on the back even simply for the fact that you're still standing and reachingn out for help here. Feel free to PM me anytime and I'll help you in ANY way I can. I'm sure others will gladly help you as well! Wish you the best of luck in BOTH your healing and your life! KEEP FIGHTING! Sendign many safe, warm hugs to you, Nxious! KEEP ROCKING!

Thanks for sharing your struggle. You mentioned the shattering of your belief system. Here's a link to an article, from PC's archives, on the subject of loss of faith:

The Pain of Losing Your Faith

I hope that, in some way, you will be able to find a path to deep peace in your life.

I totally understand how you feel. I have had schizoaffective disorder since I was 28 years old and went to medical school. But, I could not finish my training so am left with nothing but debt. I am living near family now and am happier than before. I don't have friends because I choose not to have friends. I don't like to accommodate to others and am fine being alone. I also realized after having recurring psychosis to not think about the future too much. I think about what I have now in my life. I have shelter, clothes, food in my stomach, and my family nearby. I am grateful for the little things in life. I was homeless once and had nothing but the clothes on my back. I now cherish what little I have. I did work for awhile as an English teacher but could not keep it together because of recurring psychosis. I like my solace and enjoy being alone now. I reach to my family when necessary but they are not too understanding about my illness. They really thought I could become a doctor with schizophrenia. I knew in my heart it was not going to be but continued as far as I could for survival purposes. They threatened to abandon me if I quit so, at least, I graduated. But, I could not make it through training and left without anything. So, I did what I had to to survive but it cost me my life almost and much debt. So, my parents were kind and paid my debt, but I cannot take back the time I put into receiving a useless degree. I was bitter for awhile but have come to the conclusion it is my fate. I am not mad at them but realize their ignorance comes from lack of knowledge about my illness. There are many family members now being identified in my family lineage who have schizophrenia. I think now they realize the severity of my illness is nothing to take too lightly. As a result, I know how you feel having nothing but your life in your hands.

I would not feel too much despair when you think of others who are doing much worse and really have literally nothing. I am glad I am in my fifties and my life is coming to an end. So, you are in your thirties and can still do something constructive with your life. Yes, you can marry or find something to do that is productive. Have you thought about peer counseling? I don't know where you are but there are free training programs in my area. I applied but don't think I can manage now since I don't have any transportation and quite frankly I don't like being with other people too much. However, you should look into peer counseling training programs near you. If you can't do this, at least, go to a clubhouse near you and start volunteering there. This will help you do something productive. We all need some purpose to live. My purpose is to survive daily and help my family. I don't know what I will do after my parents die but have a feeling they might outlive me. I am grateful and feel blessed with my family. I know you are thousands miles away from yours so please go to a clubhouse and participate or volunteer. If you can't do this, NAMI support groups near you can be good for you too. Just look up support groups near you and join.

Please don't be sad about your life. You can survive with what you have and it is in your hands to find help near you. If you live outside the USA, you should ask your doctor about support groups near you that you can join.

So sorry to read that you are struggling with so much. The world can be a very cold place sometimes and it sounds like you have been weighed down by a lot from your family, too, and for a long time

You mentioned some things you think your parents might like from you. Taking them out of the picture for a moment, what would you like for yourself? What kind of job would you really like, what kinds of things would you like to be doing, what kinds of people do you like to interact with or do you prefer to work alone? If you can't think of any very much right now, because of the depression maybe, what kinds of things did you like to do when you were younger? What kinds of activities did you enjoy or that were fun for you?

You said that you were socially awkward -- I am, too, and have been for a long time. Very frustrating. But I did luck into a support group 5 years ago with people I can relate to and who accept me. That helped me feel better and I also seem to be doing some better with the world at large.

PsychCentral has also been a great resource for me. You are not alone in the kinds of things you are struggling with.

My parents made everything available to me financially-wise. My father still helps me until now since I am jobless with no income whatsoever, but they have also abused me tremendously. As recent as last year when I moved in with them because of my financial situation, my father berated me and humiliated me in front of my younger siblings. Every time I think of that I get depressed. Sleeping in bed depressed. And this is just one example of how he abused me. That's why I feel guilty. Because of these contradictory things I received from my father. I try not to think about the past to move forward, but these days it's all I think about since I have no distractions.

I like to be alone but no all the time. I would like to find someone to go out with and talk. I would feel I am someone if anyone called me and asked about me. But no, I have to initiate all talks, and ask about others, and even when I ask about them, they don't bother asking how I am doing.

When I was young, my life very much was set for me. What to do, what to say, ... etc. So, I have never developed any real interest, hobby or passion. The closest I got was some interests in theology, but my father didn't like it because he was afraid I would become a priest one day. He wanted me to be a doctor, but when I didn't want to because I cannot deal with bloods, he wanted me to be an engineer. I guess I was trying to please him since he was paying, so, I went to engineering.

All was OK. I thought this is life. So, I was occupied with my studies. Until the end of my doctorate when my belief system which I was cherishing very closely was shattered into pieces, and I fell into deep depression, and I almost quit because of that, but I managed to finish. However I dragged my depression to my first job, and I did poorly, which very much has set my fate professionally so far. Now I have been unemployed for 3 years in the last 5!!

What I would like for myself? Currently, all I wish for is to vanish and disappear. I have never dreamed of anything. As I said my life was set for me, and the next stop for me after I finish my studies was to find a stable job and settle down and have a family and kids, which I haven't reached, and probably never will, because now, I have a very negative view of the world, and I think living in it is just a misery, and bringing children to this world is just perpetuating this misery.

I haven't looked any support group in real life. I tried some meetup groups but I didn't fit. I am not good in seeking help and support, and I feel more comfortable being anonymous. My online experience hasn't been consistent. Some are supportive, some are not so much, even plain judgmental. Sometimes I feel better after I post, sometimes worse.

Are you a fan of the Netflix series, Stranger Things? I am ADDICTED to that series (I want )

I can understand your frustration now. When our parents set our paths for us, and punish us with their coercive power when we deviate to what our natural path is (the path we were meant to be on instead of 'their chosen path for us'). Your debilitating depression during your doctorate that carried to your first job, was a side effect of following your parent's path that you didn't even want to be on.

I don't think you need to vanish or disappear. I think what you need, is to reframe your situation. You say you have nothing but that's not true. You followed your parent's path and it failed. Congratulations. You proved to yourself that their path was the WRONG path for you. Now? Now, you are like the Tom Hanks character in Castaway at the end of the film, when he drove to Texas to return that artist's FedEd package; he's standing at those two diverging roads (I won't even quote the Robert Frost poem b/c that would be too corny) and that's where the movie ends, leaving the audience to wonder, "What will that character do?"

You have that opportunity. You don't want to be an engineer. So, don't be one. Do you still have that interest in theology...possibly join a seminary and attend seminary school? That's the advantage of life; if one path crashes and burns, there are other paths to take. Let go of the belief system that there's only one perfect path for everyone in their life. Because that's just not true. Not true at all.

Our parents' generation got married, had ONE career for 30-40 years, bought a house, raised a family, and that was the American dream. Now? Not even close to the same thing. Now, people can change career paths multiple times without any judgement b/c that's the norm. Some of my favorite celebrities were on their parents' enforced life plan paths, until they got off and went on their own. Comedian and actor Robin Williams' father was cruel and horrible and wanted Robin to become a doctor. But Robin went to Juliard to become an actor, did a ton of drugs, and became a famous comedian and actor. Just do an internet search and you can read about how many celebrities were in your shoes, who had parents who tried to force them into the life THEY wanted for those celebrities, but the celebrities rejected their parents and followed their own path.

You have the chance now, to start your life completely over. And you can still find someone, marry, and have children. Hell, Charlie Chaplin was 75 when he became a father. So believe me, you have time! Haha!

FInd a way to remove those self-limitations you've set for yourself. Don't try the methods you've already tried that failed. Try other ways. Explore new avenues to reconnect with yourself, with your interests, your passions, your goals. You still have them, but right now they are being blotted out by your depression and distorted belief that your life was a waste (I believed that about myself and I'm 48, until I realized recently, no my life and my mistakes were not a waste b/c I can start over and that's ok). Write a book. Start a blog. Take a class online. Study a musical instrument. Learn a new language. Just try something different. All you need to do is alter one thing in your routine right now, and that will change your trajectory.

The important thing to remember is not to limit yourself. And not let your past weigh you down. Sounds so cliche and it is. But I can't think of another way to encourage you to let go of your past. I can't change my family and my two siblings will never respect me or treat me the way I want to be treated. When my dad was alive, when I was in 4th grade, at an outdoor BBQ with his friends' and their families in our backyard, I walked by him sitting with his professor cronies, and overheard him talk about how he didn't think I was as smart as my sister and his friends saw my reaction and immediately tried to cover for my dad's demeaning comments, "Oh, he didn't mean that." Um, no, he meant it. So, I know how you feel.

It's good that you found PC b/c this is a great community with a lot of helpful resources and a place where you can post and get support.

Aldous Huxley wrote about your very dilemma, Nxious....questioning our existence, etc.,. and how not to let our past bog us down or trap us...

Aldous Huxley on How You Become Who You Are, How to Get Out of Your Own Way, and the Necessity of Mind-Body Education – Brain Pickings

I'd also like to recommend a book of essays called Meeting the Shadow: The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature by Connie Zweig. Here's a about her book.

Change is complicated, and a paradigm shift doesn't occur like people think, on demand or on wish!! Experiences, environment and our genetic make-up shape our lives to a large degree. People don't believe they can change until change happens to them, but change is a process that takes input from different sources, choice may not be the strongest factor, because we cannot control everything despite our best efforts. We are in a way destined, as I see it. We either accept it or not.

People try their best in their current state of mind, but something else has to happen in response to our modest attempts to change our state of mind and way of thinking. But when nothing is working and the past experiences are painful, it is difficult to be optimistic, and without optimism and hope, we are pretty much doomed. I live in this state of mind now; I don't see any hope.

Oh, I don't expect your paradigm shift to 'just occur' on a whim and my apologies if that's the way I presented the idea of change to you. That was not my intention.

i'm sorry that you don't see any hope. Keep posting on PC and know that there is a very supportive community here for you to access at any time.

I know you didn't mean that. I am just saying in my current state of mind seeing things differently is not optional. People probably think I am lazy or don't want to change, but I have tried many things. I am where I am because of trying and failing for so long. Accepting my past and where I am now are the most difficult parts.

I am still trying. I am applying for jobs. I am taking online courses. I don't think I can do much more now. I have applied probably 1500+ applications worldwide that resulted in very few phone interviews, 1 in-person interview first round, and no offer!! Now my LinkedIn profile doesn't get any views because of how bad my employment history is.

My employment history however is a result of a deeper issue which is social isolation because of my anxiety. I don't hate my field. It's OK. But not having side activities and people in my life, made my life monotonic, boring and meaningless. I was thinking while sitting at my desk working that I will be alone again this night as last night and the night before and the weekend before that. You suggested once to have a roommate, which could help me financially, but although I am not a clean freak, I had issues with others not doing their parts in the past.

At least, you can do something positive with your situation. I have to depend on public transportation to go anywhere and getting a job is absolutely not possible because of this. I live in an area where mostly cars are driven. Also, you're trying your best to overcome your obstacles. I applaud you! I wish I could too. I am stuck for awhile in my situation and know it will change after short period though. You are doing the right things to help yourself. So, don't knock yourself. I think jobs come and go and hope you obtain a job you like. If you don't, I read somewhere you have to be with the frogs to be with the prince. Why don't you just accept the jobs that come to you? Then, may be you can rebuild your resume. I hope your situation improves. Please keep us posted.