[Justaonony]

I can't cry. I often try to imagine what it would feel like. Like this huge explosion of relief that I may never get again. I had a really close friend commit suicide a couple of years ago. He was seemingly the happiest person alive before that. I've never grieved. When I heard about it I somehow ended up in the middle of my street and I'm not even sure how I got there, but there I was on my knees in the street. I remember feeling it come. Like I knew a rush of relief was going to come over me and I was going to let everything out right there in the street. A tear came, one single tear, then it was like it just got sucked right back in.
The interesting thing is I was a very easy child to set off. I would cry about anything and everything. If you gave me a wrong look I would ball my eyes out. I was very empathic. If you came in sad I'd feel your sadness as if it were my own and I'd cry for you! Then when I was maybe 9 or 10 this all stopped. I remember crying my eyes out for whatever, probably nonsense, reason and for a long period of time. As I was crying I walked into my bathroom and looked in the mirror. My face was red, like a very dark red and it hurt. Like physically hurt that's how much I was crying. I remember saying to myself "why are you crying so much? Don't you want to be happy?" "Smile," I demanded. So I did. I kept that smile on til I stopped crying and that smile became genuine. I'm 29 years old now and that was the last memory I have of me ever crying. It's like I created this unbreakable wall when I did that. I've always been seen as this strong, got it together, stable man. No fear, no tears. Only, that's not the truth. I just, I guess, don't know how to cry anymore.

[MickeyCheeky]

First of all I am DEEPLY SORRY for your LOSS, @Justaonony. I'm so sorry for what happened to your friend! As for you crying, I'd say that everyone deals with grief in his/her own unique way. You don't necessarely have to cry in response to a terrible event. Everyone is different and will have their own different reaction. It does seem however that the inability to cry is bothering you. Perhaps this is something worth discussing with an experienced therapist. I'd suggest to contact one, even to let him/her help you to grieve the loss of your friend. Please be kind to yourself. It is certainly not easy to deal with the Loss of a Loved Ones. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need. Please stay strong... things will get better. I am sure of that! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need Advice and Support. I'm sure plenty of others will gladly help you as well! Most importantly, though, please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to take time to grieve your terrible Loss. Be kind to yourself! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Justaonony, Your Family, Your Friends and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Please keep fighting and keep rocking like you're already wonderfully doing entirely on your own! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND PLEASE DO KEEP ROCKING LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY for your Loss!

[TunedOut]

Perhaps writing and talking about what happened will help you "feel" more.

Try not to worry about whether or not you cry about this or not. While it's not good to "hold it in", sometimes we get into situations where someone has to be "strong" (in order to make funeral arrangements, comfort other people, etc.) Also, everybody processes things differently and sometimes the grief can hit us years later at the most unexpected times.

As Mickey said--just be kind to yourself and everyone handles these things differently. Don't put "extra" expectations on yourself just try to accept what is (which will take time ). Hugs.