[TheseArmsAreSnakes]

Hi, Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read this, or reply, or just coming by for a thumbs up. Thanks.

I outlined my issues in the new member thread. Its been a series of unfortunate events, but that's what's brought me here today.

In March of 2016 I started working at a new restaurant. In September of 2015, my girlfriend of 12 years left one evening to be with a new partner. (That story ends great, oddly enough, as we were able to put aside the how of the relationship ended, talk about the why of it did, move past it, and we are now best friends and she has been there for me every second thru this difficult period). So I for sure was a little raw still and processing, and a coworker was very kind and would listen to me if I was having a rough day. At the time being heard was very helpful, many friends assumed Id been the downfall of the 12 year relationship, as I found out later, because they assumed that men are more likely to cheat. Anyways, obviously this coworker and I started making plans outside of work and eventually were in a relationship. She was incredibly charming and engaging, and we would talk for hours, and I was immediately taken with her.

Things were great for six months, and then, hind sight now, little signs started coming up. The first was over the holidays, she was looking into buying a car to make getting to my house easier. She had two female roommates, no door on the bathroom level of liberal, and she resided in the mother in law suite out back. So if I wake up in the night, its winter, I have to get dressed, then pray no one walks near the bathroom while I'm in it. Not ideal for me. So I offered to lend her a little money if she needed a down payment. A short while after this she mentioned that one of her exes had wanted to get back together with her when we initially were hanging out. I'm not a jealous person, I never have been, so I asked if it was something she wanted to talk about. She informed me that she'd written to him, sharing our first sexual encounter, and he'd written back a 5 page memoir about her narcissistic tendencies. Again, hind sight. I did ask her why she would share that with him and found it to be a little odd. I then discovered that before we had gone to the beach that summer she had slept with him. Again, I'm not jealous, and our relationship at the time wasn't defined. I'm not a partner that inquires about past relations, and I understand that there were previous boyfriends ahead of me, but it did give me pause.

A week later we're hanging out and she asks me what I did last Friday after work. I'm not immediately sure, but then I told her I went to a bar and had a loose cigarette and a cocktail and then went home. She starts asking me time frames, and I'm asking what she really wants to know. She finally confesses that she went thru my phone, and saw that a female friend had messaged me from the bar across the street and wanted to come over and join me for a drink. This friend and I had dated, well over a year ago, and it was brief and then we'd chat every now and then and occasionally we'd get a drink together, that is it. What I didn't understand is that if she'd read the next three lines in the text thread, she would have clearly seen my reply, which was, "don't bother, I'm done, and I need to get home", and she wrote, "another time then". I tried to show her, but she wasn't interested in that. I found that very odd.

I decided that I wasn't going to be able to lend her the money. I thought about making an excuse, but then I was like, that's my decision. I explained I didn't feel comfortable with the amount based on our current longevity and apologized for perhaps jumping the gun. Needless to say she became incredibly angry that night, refused to let me take her home, and instead stayed and created a very uncomfortable evening.

At this point she had also started the "teasing". We're out with friends and I misspoke, offhand comment. Everytime I laugh, a little mock laughter. Very subtle mentions comparing me physically to exes. This issue I did address, and asked her to please be more aware of what she's saying. From that day on there was reminding her friends that her exes shouldn't be mentioned in conversation with me, it makes me uncomfortable. I tried to address that, because it's hard to clear that up over dinner without looking a little unhinged, and it's then I started understanding this very calculated web that I was walking into.

We work together. So things get back to normal, I start writing it off as jitters due to an ex that was particularly unkind. We get thru Christmas, New Years, and then in January we planned a coast trip. I had lunch plans with my mom, she very much missed my previous ex and wanted to have lunch at her restaurant. Great. My lunch devolved into calls, calls that ended with her saying something to the effect of "hanging out with that B****". I pretended to ignore who she was referring to, and this nearly canceled the beach trip, except she was so upset, and I was really looking forward to it. So we went.

At this point things are coming too fast, highlights include the day i was sitting next to her and unlocking my phone she commented that my password was different. As I'm about to ask her why she knows that, it turns into an argument of what I'm hiding not the fact she has gone thru it. Twice. We're having a lovely dinner one nite and grab a cocktail on the way home. While we're sitting there she offhandedly mentions something that I own. Something incredibly incredibly personal and private. It's in a box, in another box, in a closet of my spare bedroom, above crates of records. She confessed she'd slowly gone thru everything. It was because I'm not forthcoming with my feelings, she needed to know if I was a serial killer. I was furious. I told her to go to her friends, not prefacing anything with good or bad, and just matter of factly say, "I went thru all his possessions". and to let me know how they react.

A month later my best friend from high school passed and she ended the relationship. It was fine, I was going to anyway. This is August 2017. We ended up becoming very good friends and ended up spending more time hanging out.
Hind sight.

In January 2018 I had two really big bummer incidents occur that left me a little rattled. The main one was the owner of the restaurant we worked at was taking the crew to Asia for a month. Except for me. One coworker was expecting and couldn't go, offering me his ticket, but I was told no again. I was pretty devastated that this was happening, I'd been there longer than most of the staff going and I'd spent time talking the native language with the cooks.

When they returned February everything was off, at this point I'd "realized" how much I liked her and tried talking about getting back together. She became, for lack of a better term, cruel at this point. Seeds were constantly planted about other men, that ex of hers was back in the picture, I had shared how I felt, like really shared, like I cried in public shared.

Mid March she was diagnosed with cancer. April it was determined to be treatable, but it's still the C-word. I offer to pay her rent for the month of the surgery, she could then stay at my house while she recovers, and not have to be stuck in a bathroomless mother in law suite.

I also, swear to God this is true, as I type, I'm thinking, "no ones going to believe you".

For some reason before her surgery she becomes very standoffish. I realized she'd basically taken what I'd shared with her, stacked those chips and bet on the ex to trip over himself to win her back. The day before her surgery she screamed at me in public for trying to touch her, stormed off, and then messaged me the ex had everything taken care of.

Months later after flirting with other men in front of me, basically belittling me at every opportunity, but still giving me that one really sweet text once a week that made me drop everything and meet her. She started mentioning that coworkers were worried about me and the owner often asked if I was alright. My good friend, who I'd gotten a job there, we found ourselves fighting a lot on shift. Before shift one day, in front of the staff, she accused me of sleeping with the food runner. I'll fully admit I lost my cool, but it was literally the last needle, and I was done being poked. Of course, she goes into the mode that shes scared of me, I'm being aggressive, and I'm embarrassing myself.

I had a good friend at another restaurant, and I remember one day a host was upset because her boyfriend thought something was going on with her and another coworker. They'd been fighting. The host is talking about their fight, and my friend, stops the host, mid sentence, exhales her cigarette, takes a sip of coffee, puts her hand on her shoulder and says,
"You don't look under the bed unless you've hid under the bed".
And goes back inside.
It's stuck with me to this day and I knew that was likely where that accusation was coming from.

There was more, but I found myself thinking about her way too much. My anxiety was thru the roof. I had days it was hard to function, and i remember one telling her I really needed a hug and she reminded me that she'd already given me one. I don't know how to describe the twist of depression and anxiety, I was a mess, going in to work was another shift in itself, and one day the GM had me come in early and I was fired. There was no reason given, she "didn't want to get specific", but they did mention an incident from a year and a half ago where I became upset with a coworker because I was tired of doing his side work. I discussed it with the GM at the time and everything was fine. At the end of the exit interview, she did say something along the lines of me being difficult to be around and that morale suffered and one other hurtful point. I'll give you, I'm going to guess at this point, the one person still reading this, one guess who called me that nite and said the exact same thing the GM said. Not close, not the same jist, word for word, exactly.

She took a couple minutes this summer to let me know she's hurt I haven't reached out to her more, managed to send me some hiking pictures, point taken, and then said she cries everytime we text.

So, today I'm reading and I'd never really delved into gaslighting, and there was one article that took the last three and a half years of my life and succinctly summarized it in 5 paragraphs. I kept thinking, she never isolated me, then I was like, no, she did. Then I'd think about other stuff, and it really hit me today, what she did, and knowing what she was doing while she was doing it. I hope that my story emphasizes how subtle it starts and how insidious it is. I found myself a weird, anxious, jealous wreck that hung on her whims and contorted to every mood. I'd always described myself, from years of waiting tables, as being saavy, and sizing up people instantly, and boy was ill prepared for her.

I took the summer off and I noticed I'd dwell on her. Wondering if she'd moved on, I saw her once and I nearly had a panic attack. She came over like nothing had happened, and it made me rage-evestated? furi-choly? It was a combination of anger and sadness and self loathing and that was when I started writing bits and pieces. I want to remember everything, and today I found this forum and I decided I was going to share.

I hope this is relatable, and to be completely honest, even if no one reads this, just writing this out was cathartic in it's own way, and it's awesome this forum is here and allowed me to do that. Thank you.



Also, if someone makes this into a movie, I'm told I look very much like Negan, played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, so he should totally play me.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your story.

[MickeyCheeky]

I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you've had to go through ALL OF THIS and that you're HURTING AND STRUGGLING SO BADLY, @TheseArmsAreSnakes! It seems like you've dodged a bullet there. Good for you! I am REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HAPPY that ALL OF THIS is over at least and that you were able to read that REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HELPFUL ARTICLE ABOUT GASLIGHTING AS WELL! THANK GOD! I AM SURE THAT THERE ARE PLENTY OF MORE ARTICLE ON THIS FORUM AND THIS SITE AS WELL IF YOU JUST USE THE "SEARCH" FUNCTION HERE! HERE'S A WONDERFUL ARTICLE THAT I AM SURE IT'S GOING TO BE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HELPFUL FOR YOU: 7 Ways to Extinguish Gaslighting! At the very least, next time you'll be able to better recognize people like her and you'll be able to avoid ALL OF THIS from happening again! Like the WISE and WONDERFUL Skeezyks, I too want to thank you for sharing your story here as I am SURE that it will be REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HELPFUL TO MANY OTHER PEOPLE! I AM SURE OF THAT! Please be kind to yourself and BE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR GETTING OYURSELF OUT OF THAT AWFUL, HORRIBLE SITUATION! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need advice and support or even simply someone to talk to or vent to! I am SURE plenty of others will also KINDLU, WISELY, GLADLY, BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY help you out as well! YOU CAN STAY ASSURED OF THAT! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @TheseArmsAreSnakes, your family, your friends, your OTHER exes, ALL the people you Love and Accept for WHO THEY TRULY, TRULY, REALLY REALLY AREand who TRULY Love you and Accept you for WHO YOU TRULY, TRULY, REALLY, REALLY ARE AS WELL and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you've been through ALL OF THIS and that you're HURTING AND STRUGGLING SO BADLY! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! PLEASE ALWAYS BE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY KIND TO YOURSELF! PLEASE NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!

[TheseArmsAreSnakes]

Thank you for taking the time read and reply.


Skimming other threads I read something that was so familiar. The gaslighter establishing boundaries and rules, that apply to everyone except for gaslighter. This was something that really got to me. She'd chastise me, "Words have meaning", then later she'd say something incredibly insensitive to me. When I'd ask if she could be more thoughtful with her words, she'd reply that I was sensitive and always "I'm sorry you took it that way". Which isn't an apology, it puts the all responsibility on me. She also would have drastic mood swings during shift that were unpredictable and difficult to work around. It's very interesting reading others experiences and remembering other subtle techniques she'd use.


I decided to write her a letter telling her how she'd made me feel. I didn't expect anything to come from it, but I wanted her to see it. She said she was sorry, but as I assumed would be the case, didn't address anything I'd asked her about and then proceeded to tell me that I've always been like my current state and she wasn't to blame for that. Like I said, I didn't expect even a reply, but it felt good to write it and send it to her.

[bpcyclist]

They are cunning and clever. Always about five moves ahead of you (or me). There is no reality. Reality is whatever they want it to be at that moment, which may be completely different in an hour, depending on what the requirements of the situation are. There is zero way of being in a healthy intimate relationship with a person who operates like this, because they are constantly dropping nuclear bombs right in the center of the relationship. In my opinion, having lived with this for over a decade, the only healthy solution is to move on. I wish you all the best.