My thoughts are going down a negative spiral tonight.


It started out because I'm lonely. I have been lacking in social things to do this December.


I got into problem solving mode. Like, maybe I can go to church again. I used to go to a Unitarian church. I never felt like I fit in there though I do wonder if all the stuff that goes on inside me when I'm in groups of other people is my issues.


Now I'm thinking all negative about people at church though. I can be quite negative sometimes. I don't try to be. I mean, if I had a choice in my make up, I'd be a sunshine and roses person.


I may go to church tomorrow, I may not. I think it's important right now though, to get out of the muck. I'll probably watch animals on YouTube.


Another thing, I think I'm the kind of person who may come across, in real life, as quiet and broody, in groups. And I am. Sometimes I think I really dislike people in groups as a whole. But thats how ya gotta meet people. And I don't hate people. But sometimes, I feel like a cat who just wants to wander around and be weird when I'm in a group. Whatever lol.


I'm learning weird things about myself as a social being by being in my DBT group. I don't much like it (what I'm learning about myself). Like I'm sensitive, feel annoyed and offended easily, get over stimulated very easily, get lost quickly with the material (I'm not stupid at all, but it's just the layout of the group). And it's very hard sometimes, to speak up and say what I mean, or correct someone if they're wrong about what I've said. These are just some examples. I'd ultimately like to accept myself. As well as learn to be comfortable with speaking up and being assertive.

My therapist says she doesn't think this is social anxiety anymore. I disagree to an extent. But I'm open to the idea of it being something else too. I have depression but that doesn't fit. I also have personality disorder traits. I've had a hard time accepting that. But the truth is, society is very mean to people with certain diagnoses, and society is stupid and knows nothing about it. I asked my therapist what she thinks it is and she said "Does it have to have a name?" I might want it to have a name. I'm not sure she feels that giving it a name will be helpful though, given what I've told her about me being misdiagnosed before, and also having a sensitivity to being called certain things.


Being an adult is hard. It was sort of easier when I was a kid. I just went to school, and that was socialization for me. I'm glad I'm going back to school in January. I need something to do. Maybe I will try working too.


Ok, off to YouTube. Thanks to those who listened to me ramble. If you got this far, congratulations. You win a hug.
And pizza.

I think it sounds to me like you have social anxiety. I am like that too. I get over-stimulated when I'm around big groups of people. Like, when I used to be social and would go out with Meetup groups, I'd get so over-stimulated I'd be up all night unable to fall asleep or function the next day. I don't think social anxiety is equal to or the same as having a mental illness. But I know people may disagree with that belief I have.

[bpcyclist]

Thanks for the pizza. I am also thinking of going back to church. I consider myself a fairly devout Christian, just in my life and what I do and how often I pray, but I have a challenge with org. religious structures. So much abuse has occurred. It makes it hard for me to trust. Anyhow, interested to know if you go/went to church or not. No pressure, just curious how that all went for you.

Hoping you feel better soon!! Hugs!!

cyclist

bpcyclist, no, I overslept. Shoulda set my alarm. There's always next week though. Youre welcome for the pizza. anytime.

Blanche, thanks. Yeah I think I do have social anxiety. In my opinion, there's different kinds. Doesn't affect everyone the same. DSM is very specific and I just don't fit. I may have a mix if things. I dunno. This afternoon I'm good with not labelling it, I'm feeling mellow. Though last night I was like..really analyzing it. And also stressed.

I talked to my Mom while walking w her this morning. She helped too. I've fallen off track w social things. Due to the holidays. And for me, while I don't usually feel like it, being social IS sorta like taking medicine. I don't feel like it but I do it and it keeps me healthy. She said I should try one social event / activity a day. It helped to talk it out w her.

Being social is like taking a daily medication. It's the same process as getting physically fit. You cant' just run a 26 mile marathon without training for it first. I once went on a 10 mile bike ride without using my inhaler -- it put me in the emergency room and I was on Prednisone for a week after. Never do that again. Same with trying to play doubles tennis after years of not playing tennis at all. Had to use my inhaler before I started bc I knew the outcome would be bad if I didn't.

I've been antisocial off and on for a while now. When in social situations, I will sometimes either overshare or be a total wallflower or interject a conversation with something totally idiotic. Whoopsie. So, I am out of practice with my social skills. If I made the effort to go to Meetups once a week, slowly at first, I would exercise my social skills like your Mom suggested to stay healthy socially. Otherwise, if we're left to our own thoughts, well, that's not good.

Blanche I like your add on to my example. Yes being social is also like exercising. And we don't run a marathon (or socialize perfectly) if we've never done it. It takes practice and building up of skill and endurance. Yeah!