[WantPeaceofMind]

I can't stop obsessing about how much of a screw up. I feel and think that I am so stuck in this never ending misery i have put myself in and don't see an end. So many bad decisions have got to where I am. I beat myself up for quitting a job i was.stressed doing, but knew it like second nature. I quit to do another job. No 2 weeks. I took another job thinking this is going to work out better. Long story short, not treated right made me feel inadequate. Might have stuck it out if i knew what else i was getting myself into. Got this other job. Told myself i couldn't didnt want to do it. Well after that had a break down. I did the unthinkable
(To avoid trigger warnings) I feel guilt of what I have put my parents through. After quitting my last job over feeling emotional overwhelmed, lack of confidence, low self esteem... I tried to do the unthinkable again based on how i was feeling and not showing up for the job. I just too overwhelmed starting new jobs the change, the pressure am i doing good enough? Sensitive to criticism. My over all feelings of what i done to others and making my own life worse. I have a new job and I have felt the same for the whole last year. Most would say you should be lucky to have a job etc. I can't seem to see the good in anything. I am lucky to still have a job as many times I have been late. Everything has me not wanting to wake up, or get out of bed to face what I have think about on a daily basis. Every day it is like this. I feel so damn guilty for dragging my dog through it all. Others say a dog doesnt know and just wants to be with you. I understand that much. Still doesnt make feel better. I had a life that was working out o.k. so i thought random walks etc. Now not so adventurous. I tell myself i took in this dog that i feel confident to take of myself and is not fair of me to not be this parent he needs. Felt comfortable to stay in my own place. Now I tell myself i dont have what it takes to conquer this thing that makes me not able to get away from my mess i have made around me. The toll I have taken on my whole mental state, view of my everyday life, every day interactions. I feel more hopeless as it has fallen apart around me. I beat myself up daily with ruminations of if I had done, if I had done that. I would not made parents miserable, along with myself living my own nightmare of a life. I pray i can see light at the end of tunnel. God please! No offense to none believers.

[bpcyclist]

I am so sorry you are struggling. You really sound depressed to me, just as a peer. Have you spoken to your psychiatrist or therapist about this? If not, please do so today. Sending you support and positive vibes. Things will get better. Don't give up. This is temporary.

[winter4me]

I believe you Will come through this-----I sounds like it would be very important for you to have someone you can talk things through with, and can contact the moment you begin to feel out of control or anxious you may spiral down---and a plan for each day that will help you through this difficult time. What supports do you have now?
Do talk to someone, every day if you can for a while. When you feel this way it does feel like it is your whole world/reality but it is NOT.

[Imokay2]

I want to sympathize with you too, your parents and your dog love YOU not your job, or ups and downs.
YOU are not your job, and you are not mistakes you've made. As long as you have life in you, you are allowed to make mistakes and to try to find a job and things that suit you.
When my son goes through depression he sounds a lot like you, everything is all joined together.
That's just your brain making connections with all sorts of things from your entire life, the brain is an amazing computer and the chemistry in your body told it to do what it's doing now.
This is what antidepressant medicine is for, helping all of that to get in balance.
Talking to a counselor can help make sense of it all too.
I hope you have access to those things.
You'll be ok.

[WantPeaceofMind]

I have backed myself in a corner with those mistakes. It maybe hard for others to totally understand as I may leave info lose track points I try to make. I just have a hard time thinking my way out? The job is not the complete problem that I have. It's a lot of my depression anxiety I have brought to the job. I told myself I have to do this because I am forced because I am told to work if my parents are going to let me stay. So I am doing the job overwhelmed with my mental State has had me anxious, stressed from day one more anxiety and stress building up working for 6 to 7 months and just got to where I don't want to. I now procrastinate getting out of bed to where my dad has to tell me to go to work. I had episode like this 20 years ago I was kicked out of my parents not sure they understood the state of my anxiety. my brother let me stay with him. I can't do that now because he has a family now. I keep telling myself how long can i cope. I cry which i never have this much about how i have let things get. Its like i know what i have to do, like face the fears, i am so damn paralyzed by it from all sides to think straight get my emotions under control and really tackle them. I feel or tell myself i am not resilient, or confidence to go about things on my own. Really scary place to be when your told you have control of your mind thoughts decisions. Like I mentioned earlier feel paralyzed to make decisions with feeling overwhelmed. I was told by a counselor I saw who said I am only seeing things black and white. I just think that I am so overwhelmed to see through it. Not sure if anyone else has been so overwhelmed mentally you cant see what someone is telling you, and you are there in your own mind it is not making the bulb go off in your head? Like ah that makes sense, that's rational, etc?

[winter4me]

Do you have a counselor/trusted other to talk with? It doesn't sound like you had one who was helpful to you.
Is there any peer support group/activity group in your area that you might find helpful?
It sounds like you are carrying a heavy load and need someplace to be open about your feelings.