Boundaries & Speaking Up

I’m struggling with the balance between speaking up but keeping my emotions in check. I tend to be really quiet and calm... until I am fed up and then I will say a lot.

Last week I spoke with the manager of my dentist office and this morning I spoke with the manager of one of my doctor’s offices. I’m wondering if the problem is me and maybe I’m over sensitive about things.

I’m having some ongoing dental work that should finish up in the next month or two. Scheduling has been a headache and it was a problem before the covid crisis started. Would you be upset if your dentist office was routinely canceling and rescheduling every appointment even if you had to keep rearranging your work schedule? Last week after the third cancellation I finally told them I will change dentists if they cancel me one more time. When I finally had my appointment the dentist made a point of telling me how well all my dental work is coming along, despite the covid crisis, and I really didn’t need as many follow-up visits as I thought... as though I was complaining for nothing. The dental work I had was very expensive and I wanted to make sure it was done right...

Today I was fed up with a rude receptionist at one of my doctor’s offices. She seems to only answer yes or no questions and didn’t want to answer my billing questions. Then when my husband went to their office this morning he ended up feeling humiliated and not wanting to go back because of the way he was received there. It all came down to poor communication from the receptionist. So... I called the manager... I felt that for as much money as we are spending there we should not be treated poorly by their office staff.

A few weeks ago I spoke up about issues at work that affected my own liability. I had to say something to cover myself. I spoke to managers.. sent emails. The problem has been resolved...

I just feel like I am the one who is the problem because I’m constantly speaking up. Maybe I should hire myself out as a “professional speaker-upper”?

We can always improve ourselves and look and see the other side of the story. However, theres nothing wrong with advocating for yourself, and being assertive about how you feel you are being treated.

I may feel the way you do too, and its bc i have been taught its wrong to rock the boat. Not even sure where I learned it. But its pretty ingrained and I also don't like the idea of confrontation or hurting someone else. But it is completely OK to stand up for yourself LilyMop. And you should. Just because there is a period where its happening a lot, doesn't mean its wrong of you.

I wonder if you might not be sure if the way you are speaking up is OK. That's a question. Bc it's something I personally struggle with. The way in which I speak up. I might not know all the facts before I speak up, I might be overly forceful and wish I'd been gentler, etc. But its very much ok to speak up any time something bothers us.

If you are highly sensitive, then you are. Its still OK to speak up.

In glad your work issue was resolved.

Re your dentist, it makes sense that you'd feel frustration having to continuously reschedule and disrupt your own sched. could they have been rescheduling due to the pandemic? Were they nice about it?

Re your dentist's comment. It sounded to me he was more trying to reassure you. I could be wrong. I wasn't there.

Sending you support. Its ok, and id even say, important to speak up about what bothers us.

Thank you so much. You made some good points. It’s quite possible the dentist just wanted to reassure me.

I don’t have a lot of patience when medical staff are disorganized and unpleasant... and take large amounts of money from you... then run you through like cattle and try to brush off your questions.

It’s very possible I am getting forceful when I do speak up. I get so frustrated. I’m nice and I am soft spoken and people tend to kind of ignore me when I voice my concerns initially.

People mistake kindness for weakness I think. I keep working at asserting myself without being aggressive. I am probably overshooting my target at this point.

Like you, I somehow learned that speaking up for myself is a bad thing to do.

It's good to speak up. It's good what you did with both doctors' offices and at work. People may not like boundaries being set, and they may react negatively to them, but setting boundaries is necessary in life. Too bad if people don't like it. Not everyone is going to like you for setting boundaries and/or for standing up for yourself, but you cannot lie down in life and just take it, allowing people to take advantage of you, treat you like a doormat or worse. It's important to stand up for oneself in this world because there are many crummy people out there who will do just that. So while it may feel like you're the troublemaker, you're only just showing yourself self respect and you're enforcing boundaries that others must now respect. It's a GOOD thing and IS NECESSARY!

LilyMop I hear you! And re your doctor's receptionist, I forgot to say that yes I think the receptionist sounds off putting and you have a right to complain! Yes you are spending good money to get services. Those services should be pleasant and helpful.


Also, ya know, it's okay to be forceful. It's something I tend to worry about about myself. And hearing you speak, I realize that that is an issue of my own, and that it IS OK to be forceful. As long as we're not insulting people, etc. You don't always have to be soft spoken and gentle. I think that's something society drills into us as women and it's hogwash.


I think you're doing good. It's good that you speak up.

Lilymop,

I use to be passive, had trouble setting boundaries and advocating for myself. Most if it was due to my upbringing ( abuse). Over the past year I have learned to advocate when it involves my medical needs.

It sounds like you were advocating in an assertive and not aggressive manner with the dentist and doctor office. Sometimes when we're not use to advocating or it's new skill. we question ourselves. I think you did great

..'The problem has been resolved..." Shows that speaking up works. Keep speaking up please!

I think it's great that you speak up. Could your tone of voice when you spoke up be what is really bothering you? Sometimes my anxiety makes things I say come out less smoothly.

Due to COVID-19, I suspect that many dentists have less business. I am constantly getting texts and emails from my dentist saying our teeth cleanings are due but am not wanting to go right now. Next time you need something done, perhaps choose a different office?

Here it is, summed up plain and simple:

Wow. I didn’t even think of that. Thank you!

Perfect

You make a good point that I didn’t even think of. Many businesses are desperate for customers right now. I didn’t think about dentists. I don’t like to be a demanding patient but I pay my bills, I’m on time for all my appointments and I am polite.

Yes, I do think it’s my tone and the way I say things sometimes. I’m not comfortable speaking up when there’s conflict and I wonder if my awkwardness sometimes comes off a bit abrasively.

I can relate to the part about not being comfortable speaking up when there is a conflict. It doesn't happen often to me but on a few occasions, I held back expressing how I felt about someone's bad behavior for too long then I finally expressed it to them, I found myself less than calm, cool and collected as I told them how I felt. Boundaries are much more effective when we exert them in a calm, cool and collected way. It is like public speaking for some of us, it makes us nervous but the more we practice it, the better we become at delivering it. At least that is how it is for me.