Trying to cope with not (really) having any friends.

Hi everyone. I know this is pathetic, but I don't really have anywhere else I can talk about it. I am 20 years old and my problems forming and maintaining friendships have been taking an intense toll on my mental health. Let me first say that I do have friends; there are about 4 people I consider to be true friends and I love and appreciate them. With that being said, there's a reason why I always feel like I really don't have any friends. My boyfriend is my best friend and we usually hang out everyday or whenever we can. If I didn't have him I would spend the majority of days by myself (as I did in the past before we were together). Usually I forget about the loneliness when I'm with him, but if he's out of town (as he is now) it starts to sink in. I don't talk to any of my friends on a regular basis except for 2 that are internet friends and live far from me. I hang out with people other than my boyfriend maybe a couple times a month. I don't blame my friends for not checking up on me, I know they're busy, but I truly feel invisible to everyone except my boyfriend. He is the only person I can rely on and usually the only person who is there for me. And while I am incredibly lucky to have him in my life, I just wish I had female friends I could talk to and hang out with.

I have had trouble forming and maintaining friendships my whole life. As a child, I was very shy and that definitely hindered my social skills. I am not so much shy at my current age but I am introverted and my depression makes it difficult for me to socialize. I often deal with thoughts telling me that nobody likes me, nobody cares about me and I don't matter. Although I know logically that these statements aren't true, I can't stop believing that they are. It's hard for me to text friends first or socialize with people because I can't stop thinking that I'm bothering them and that nobody wants to talk to me. I am trying to get better at this but I can't shake the negative thoughts. I have been in college for 2 years and I was unable to make any lasting friendships with anyone from there. Most days I would go to school without even talking to anyone. I know I am doing this to myself but I can't stop.

I feel stupid even typing all this out because I know there are people dealing with real problems right now. I just have been in a depression for a while and I am very lonely. I spent a large portion of my teenage years depressed and alone, and always longed for close, reliable girl friends. When I am out and I see groups of friends having fun I tear up because I wish I had that. I don't want to be like this anymore but I don't know how to change. If anyone could offer any words of encouragement or advice I would appreciate it endlessly.

this post is far from pathetic. thank you for posting and sharing. a lot of us (me included) have this issue

for me, I think their's 2 parts to the issue: one is that I'm quite in experienced, (meaning at my age I should have done more than I actually have), so find it hard to find things to talk about or to keep the person interested

the other one is that I'm really intriverted, so even though I may find a group of friends who like the same thing as I do (or suffer with the same condition or what ever), I'm the one to sit at the back and say nothing.
the only lifeline I kind of have is that I always feel better talking to women (always), maybe because I am a woman myself, but I think it's also down to the fact that during my childhood a lot of abuse came from males so it's harder for me to open up to them

do keep posting if you find it helps