Really Don't Know Anymore

I don't know how to feel anymore. It seems like most days my world is falling apart and I'm just standing here watching everything burn. Sometimes I'm absolutely numb, other times I break down and cry and cry and can't stop.

I wish I knew how to make things better. I wish I knew what I could do to make myself feel better. I've been going through so so much since last year and it never ends. I never get a break. I tell people I'm a functional mess. Because I can get up and go to work, shower, exercise, and go through the motions. But half the time I feel like I'm screaming or drowning and no one hears a thing. And there aren't any life lines.

Sometimes I wonder if it's always going to be like this. I just wish, things would be okay again so I could feel okay again.

I hear you. Everyone thinks I'm fine because if I were that depressed or things were really that bad I wouldn't function like I do. I function because I have no choice and it's all just autopilot.

I'm so sorry you go through this too All I do is hope and pray the rest of my life isn't this. Sooner or later something will give and it will improve. Fingers crossed for both of us.

I'll try to have hope like you do.

I realize today, yes I DO have a problem and that problem is that I'm depressed. Legitimately depressed as in, I have a mental illness kind of depressed. I've felt this way for a few months. And I hate hate hate to admit because I had achieved remission and was doing so well before everything happened. But I guess that's just how life goes. I'm sick again. I have to accept it. At least I'm in therapy and have a psych doc, getting treatment. So hopefully one day I'm going to feel better again. Because I've been through this before and got better.

I just wish it would stop happening. It's like life can never just be GOOD. I'm tired of going through horrible challenges and being tried and scored to my very core. Why can't life just be good for a change? Am I being punished for something? Am I a horrible person? I try so hard to be a good person and do good in the world. I don't know why horrible things keep happening to me.

I've just been through so much. When is it going to get better? Not that I expect anyone to be able to answer that. I'm just frustrated with my life, and how things have been for too long. All I know how to do is be strong and survive. There's not been a whole lot of living or enjoying life. Very little of that. Just survival.