I hate how I feel....

I hate how I feel inside, yet I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. People ignore me when they realize I have PTSD and they suddenly give up on me and don't talk to me. If I cry, they ignore me and stop speaking to me. I'm guessing this is too much for some people. Deep down, I want friends, more than anything. Sometimes I have to cry all by myself and hide my feelings from everyone, just so nobody ends up giving up on me. The minute they see me cry, it's like they ignore me and no longer want me in there life. I would never do this to anyone else. It hurts me so much when people do this to me. This is why I hide my feelings from everyone and bottle them up, because in the end people disappoint me and stop being my friend. It sucks, being alone. I've grown used to hanging out by myself because I am so used to people leaving me and giving up on me. It got to the point now where I don't cry much anymore. The moment they give up on me, I just nod my head and understand that it's too much for them to handle. This is why it's hard for me to allow anyone into my life or to trust anyone fully or for me to open up to them. Because the moment I do, they just ignore me and stop being my friend. Is there such a thing as a loyal friend anymore? Know this may seem dramatic to you, but this has happened to me. I'm used to being alone now. But I hate this feeling more than anything. I wish I could feel something. All because I was abused by my ex boyfriend. This is where I start blaming myself and hating myself, because nobody gives me a chance. It makes me cry alone a lot of the time, because all I want is a loyal friend.

Are these close friends? Or family?

I'm sorry I can relate because I experienced similar in my life and difficulty trusting people. Do you have supportive family? Nobody deserves to be treated poorly. Sharing your thoughts on this forum is good. Have you tried therapy? Sometimes talking it out helps and guidance from a professional. I tell myself one day a loyal friend will appear in my life too.