Ifeelstupid

I like my therapist. I truly do—he is the most empathic person I know. But I am angry. I’m angry because he is trying to support me during this depressive episode. I’m angry that he wants me to reframe. I’m angry because I want to be left alone yet I continue to see him. I don’t understand myself. I ache and ache and break down sobbing if I spend any time thinking of the losses I’ve experience since March. I just want to sink into this pit of despair and be done with it.

I physically ache. My heart hurts. Does that happen to anyone else? Like your chest is caving in and there’s a deep dark ache? How can emotions physically hurt like that? I understand a headache or stomach kind of physical pain brought on by emotions but this is like the emotions themselves hurt.

Open Eyes

Can you share what the loss is?

The answer to your question is yes emotional grief can hurt and ache.

Usually if you need to talk about it it means that you are repeating to help yourself realize that it really did happen. And there is no way to change it. Then it takes time to learn how to navigate your life without whatever the loss is.

Ifeelstupid

Thanks Open Eyes. The losses include a job that I loved in a community I loved. And the many losses due to the pandemic—smaller things like my kids’ activities—graduation, theater, college, etc —and more significant —deaths due to pandemic.

RoxanneToto

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, so it’s understandable to feel the way you do. Grieving is also a personal thing; it can’t be rushed, but it is better for you in the long run to allow yourself to go through it. I appreciate it feels incredibly difficult, though.

Ifeelstupid

Thanks Roxanne

mote.of.soul

It does sound to me like you're literally experiencing the 'heartache' that life can have on a person @Ifeelstupid. Perhaps you just need to sit down and let a few tears come because so much anger - and I know what that's like - is really so much hurt.

Prycejosh1987

I think you need to discuss your issues with your therapist. It seems you are holding information from him. If you are angry often you should try working out it does wonders for anger issues.

Ifeelstupid

Thank you Prycejosh. I’m sorry I didn’t see this until now. I couldn’t bring myself to check in again. I reluctantly agree with you and actually did share (on my own which is a huge step) and the conversation is ongoing. Thanks for your wise counsel. It is a good validation that what I am doing is a good strategy. 🙂

Ifeelstupid

Thank you Mote.of.soul. I’m sorry I didn’t see this until now. I couldn’t bring myself to check in again. You are right. Tears are productive. Not being able to cry was the first external symptom of my depression. I’ve improved but it’s a long road. It is so challenging for me. I appreciate your gentle reminder.

Buffy01

Your not alone. I feel like this all the time.