I Realized The Cause of My Sadness

My T helped me realize that this time each year I'm overcome with sadness...it's not new, how could I forget? I always cry and feel sad at this time for years...

Last year I had to stand up against an abusive superior and deal with the loss of a position, the year before that I was lonely because it was the first holiday away from all my friends and loved ones, the year before that I celebrated Christmas without a true place to call home...

...in my teenage years, I self-harmed and was self-destructive, and I didn't feel worthy of presents or holiday cheer...and then in elementary school, there were a few birthdays where after a big invite no one showed up because they were sick or celebrating the holidays with their families...

...and December is the season to be happy, happy, happy and be forced to socialize with relatives, and I was always the one relatives avoided or scrutinized (although I did have cousins to play with) and as I grew up I learned about how dysfunctional my relatives were and I was even more isolated.

So no wonder I've been a mess lately! And my T says its okay to feel sad and cry when I need to, and to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. We talked a lot about this and what I mentioned in my last thread, and she helped me feel so much better. I decided to treat myself to a nice sit-down lunch and a bottle of wine that's in the fridge.

I pretty much hate my birthday. Memories are not good. Memories of big ones are pretty effed, of the minor ones are non-existent. Of adult ones are just pathetic. My best ones were probably when they put up black balloons at work for 40 and 50. That makes sense, thats where i spent most of my life, time, and energy, but they were still fraught. Family adult birthdays and holidays were just the worst.

So - birthday advice - yeah, you really gotta love yourself before you can love somebody else. So you really gotta be able to be honest with yourself. Thats what responsible for yourself means. And like in day planners, where it asks, "what is the most important thing to do now - do that" - those are words to live by.

Thank you unaluna. I need to say that I really appreciate that you've been in my corner rooting for me for the longest time. You are a really good friend, thanks for being there for me.

Thanks for understanding!

You are healing and that is Wonderful!

it is a difficult Period for ALL of Us so Good on You for acknowledging Your struggles And trying Your Best to actively work on Yourself! Definitely keep practicing Self-Care. You deserve to Feel Good. SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @LiteraryLark, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

You have to let the emotion go and also forget your past, i did alot of good and bad in my past, but i do not hang onto these things. I focus on my future sowing seeds for the future, and working towards a positive and fulfilled future. Do the same.