How Do I Get Over The Pain of Limerence?

Over a week ago this girl responded to my post, woman actually, she is in her late 20s and I'm in my early 20's. She was excited to talk to me. I've recently, before this individual, broken up a six week online relationship with a girl from another country who really got attached to me but I felt I had to break up because the distance and waiting was too far. I am sure she has limerence for me but I'm not certain.

Anyway me and this woman started talking and got along, and we took it to text. She sent me photos and voice notes. I found her personally incredibly physically attractive. I'm not going to give details but I would be lying if I said part of my limerence didn't revolve around her appearance. She had several physical characteristics which drew me in.

. As people, we shared similar values, she was very classy and organized, we both weren't fond of shallow people. She was intelligent, thoughtful, empathetic, creative, possessed emotional depth, and was forward in her desire. I felt so ecstatic every time she messaged me and called me endearing names.

However I doubted she was a legitimate person, and this was at the crux of why she broke off with me. I doubted she was genuine because she wouldn't video chat with me, and also because a part of me felt her affection was too good to be legitimate, and it must have been someone deceiving me. She found me handsome and liked my character but I am an average college student. She made more money/ was higher status, was taller, older, fairly attractive in my eyes, and I questioned how this person could really be interested in me. I ended up doing some things that were stupid and unacceptable for our relationship which I shouldn't have but given the context I thought were appropriate at the time and she got rightfully angry at me and said she couldn't take it any further and that my trust issues were too overwhelming and that she tried hard to prove she was legitimate but she couldn't tolerate how I had been acting. I apologized for my actions but she just couldn't bring herself to reconcile.

I have been very depressed since she broke off, even though our relationship was long distance. I'm perfectly aware it is irrational to be this attached to a woman I don't know and who I only conversed with for a week but I genuinely feel nearly traumatized from her detachment, and at the knowledge that it was my actions that caused our relationship to be cut short, so it was preventable. I find my desires for her and for us to somehow be a couple to be painfully intense. I haven't felt this attached to someone since the tenth grade. It's very strong debilitating desire which feels involuntary, past a simple crush into something quite gripping. I don't even want to be in a relationship or seek one with another woman.

I feel like the only way I can move past this person is if I find another woman with similar qualities both physical and mental that I find reminiscent of her, and that evokes the same feelings in me. I'm sure my longing will fade with time but I still find it hard to enjoy my life at the moment.

Has anyone here experienced unrequited love and if so how did you process your emotions?

I have experienced unrequited love but I knew the person for more than a week or two. In one case, it took years for the feelings to stop but time and distance will help the feelings fade.

That you have experienced this with someone you met online "over a week ago" makes me feel like your imagination is running wild. Also, I have noticed that when I have shared very intimate details it can create attachment. I assume if they are not sharing in the same way or if you are not responding in kind then the feeling is only coming from one side. It is a one-side or lopsided thing. An example would be that I went to therapy and felt just regular attachment to my psychologist but when I shared some of my traumatic experiences with her I began to feel more attached because of the way she responded. IMO this is why we have to be careful what we share with others--especially online.

Plus, given how you just met her and haven't met her in person--it was legitimate to have doubts but IMO, it was way to early to express this concern. Perhaps, in the future, you should use those feelings to back off/improve your boundaries rather than revealing your feelings. Just let it play out. Our doubts are there to protect us and people do lie about things. (Not saying she did but also, some people get extremely mad if you say they have lied and if they lose their temper this can also be a red flag IMO. However, since you do not know her in person--it can be harder to judge these things. ) Hopefully, since you only knew her for a couple of weeks, these feelings will fade.

Also, if you are having any sort of fantasies about the situation--try to focus on something else--I find reading, Youtube videos and prayers can be helpful. Have you ever heard of phrases like: We are what we believe we are. (C.S. Lewis) and What we think we become. (Buddha)?? You are young so, IMO, it is a good time to focus on what you want to become in the area of body (fitness), mind (studies) and spirit (becoming a good person) and also focus on what you want to achieve in the next 5 years. IMO, you are at an age where it is good to focus on goals rather that relationships because I have noticed that when I was your age, when I was immersed in school and work--friendships would naturally arise because I was working with people involved in the same pursuits. I know this is harder if you are stuck at home. Are you going to school or do you have a job? I know this pandemic thing is sabotaging the way people your age normally build relationships. Or perhaps it is just a whole new world but, IMO, it IS harder to read people when we don't see their body language. For me, it is already hard enough to make judgements about how other people are feeling who I deal with in person....

I have been in love with someone for almost 20 years, but he isn't available. I have learned to live with that.

Because she refused to video chat, you have every right to believe she is not who she appears to be. Have you seen the show Catfish? Her becoming angry about your ‘trust issues’ in needing verification that she is who she claims to be is how a catfish acts when they are pressed for the truth. They shame you into thinking you did something wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong. You are smart and protecting yourself. Anyone legitimate has a video chat!

You are a vulnerable person because you have taken this so deeply to heart and got so reeled in. These feelings in yourself are something to look into. But, what you are experiencing is not uncommon for someone to feel who has been the victim of a catfish.

I have experienced limerence. What ends it is when there is no more hope for being with that person. When there is no possibility, the fantasy no longer lingers in that longing, holding out hope feeling.

So Sorry this happened. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about letting some time pass. You had every right to make sure she was legitimate in my opinion but perhaps your intentions didn't come across too well on the other side of the screen, which can happen given that you were using the internet after all. it may be painful to realize that we have thrown away a chance at a beatiful relationship but Hopefully other possibilities will crop up. if i may give you some advice try to not underestimate yourself as other people can see qualities that we do not see in ourselves. You absolutely deserve to be happy and to be Loved as everyone else is. i'd suggest to focus on yourself for a little while until you feel like you can handle other attempts at some relationships. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @JH8854, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I think that refusing to video chat in the first week of a relationship is a legitimate option, at least for me. I would not do that with anyone.

Time is the great revealer and the great healer. My advice is to think about what in your personality might interfere with allowing time to reveal and/or heal.

I agree with Tisha, if someone will not do a video chat, it's a big red flag. Yes, there are people out there that get off on playing mind games with others. Often they pick individuals who are still fairly young and niave, it's all about the power that other person gets from this sick game they play.

I am sorry you experienced this, some lessons are painful ones. There are people out there that get off on playing mind games and they learn what people desire and they use these desires to manipulate.

If it’s only been a few weeks, then I think you had a right to be cautious. Like Bill3, I personally wouldn’t like to do a video chat so soon into meeting a stranger online either, but I would try and be understanding and reassuring rather than put the blame on them for being insecure/untrusting. You didn’t feel right about it, maybe you do have regrets but it doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice.
I’ve had strong attractions like this, too. They all passed in time, but it was hard to let go. You just have to keep working on distracting yourself, and maybe examine what led you here.
It’s something I might even bring up with my own therapist, although I gave up connecting with potential romantic partners online several years ago.

What I did was pretty inexcusable, there's a subreddit called catfish and I talked about her not giving identifying info but details of our relationship on the post I made, because I wanted to know from other people. People post about their relationships all the time on forums right? I didn't say her name or anything identifying about the location. She found out I posted about her, (I also uploaded a second personals post because I wanted other options in case she was a catfish and I thought she was just too good to be true).

I tried to explain to her I didn't mean to hurt her and that my actions were out of insecurity and anxiety but she has cut me off completely. I should not have broken her boundaries and been disrespectful by talking about her behind her back.

I wouldn't have been as skeptical but they were sending me personal pictures a few days in

They were sending me stuff that's pretty intimate for someone you just met. Yet they wouldn't video chat? Maybe I was just too insecure and I doubted their love

I’d not do video chats with strangers after only one week of knowing them. Who knows what they are going to do with the video.

But there are ways to know if the person is who she says she is. Ask her to take a picture with something time stamped like today’s newspaper. Or a picture with something you request them to hold. If they insist it’s them on whatever pictures they show you, but refuse to take current, today’s picture, they are likely not who they say they are.

If you realize that they might be anyone, including someone scamming people for money or someone not of a legal age, you hopefully realize that longing for a stranger could be dangerous.

I recommend if you are interested in meeting young ladies, start looking in your area. You have a better chance to actually get to know them

Are you familiar with "love bombing"? If not, it might be worth looking into.

If she is doing that with you so soon, she might be doing that with many others (I don't know for sure and could be wrong--again it is just so hard to judge in such a short amount of time). It seems totally valid to doubt their "love" but perhaps just slow the whole thing down in the future--wait and see and engage less rather than jumping to conclusions? I do understand that she got to your emotions in a big way in a very short amount of time. I am not sure how healthy this is. I like when people make me feel safe. Trust your feelings about this.

I had missed the detail that this had only been a very short time, so she may have been reluctant to video chat. But, if you say ‘she’ was sending you very intimate pictures, then I’d say their being camera shy was not the case here. I still think this was a catfish. She may not have been a ‘she’. You have no way of knowing who this person is without having heard their voice or their face live. You don’t know if this person was wanting an emotional relationship from afar or was after money or something else from you.

How did they happen to see your post on reddit?

This all happened in a very short time frame. I agree that trying to connect with people who you can get to know in-person is a better way, and that online is the Wild West, which is not healthy for someone struggling with interpersonal connections. Find legitimate, kind others and take it slow. Therapy and focus on how you feel and act on relationships is important.

I gave up on love a long time ago. I can't get people to stop passionately hating me. I can't get people to stop negatively interfering with my life either from malice or incompetence. By the time I was eighteen, there were more hurdles to overcome to even be tolerated by people than I could deal with in a lifetime.

I’m sorry unpopular tiger. You can vent to me if you’d like, I would like to listen

In my experience, people who actually want me to talk to them only do so to get information to use against me.

I think that would only prolong the Limerence, and not give you any relief. No Contact is said to be the best tactic for allowing the feelings to subside.


Yes, still entangled in a Limerence Event(5+ years). She and I are friends on a certain level. It is a constant challenge for me to maintain the "appropriate" level of closeness with her, as my obsessive-self would elevate our relationship into a fantasy high level, which would severely crash & burn.

I've been obsessed with a guy for 3 years. I've just recently stopped communicating with him. I've tried countless times before, but finally I think I was able to let go. He triggered my depression for the third time and I don't want to make the same mistake again. I haven't recovered from depression yet, but now, whenever I remember him, I always keep in mind to take care of my own mental health first.

@JH8854,

IMO it may not be desirable to get so heavily invested in someone online, existing as electrons flowing through network cables from some electronic venue. All those feelings, all the neurochemistry that gets stirred up by the emotions are for real flesh and blood people that your senses can see, feel smell and taste.


Yes, on several occasions throughout my life, have only in recent years come to understand Limerence, and how my experiences and behavior fall under that label. I am currently struggling with an LE(Limerent Event), I have good days and bad days, am working hard to keep from making a fool of myself.

Blaming, manipulative, abusive, not rightful anger or sensible, rational reasoning.




I'm truly sorry.

It wasn't preventable though. It was who she (or he) was. It wasn't your actions.

Her behaviour reveals bad character.

You didn't lose anything beyond a fantasy.





How did she even find out?




1. Your actions were rational, not out of insecurity. It's rational to want to make sure you are not jumping into something stupid (e.g. catfish bull****)


2. You did not break her boundaries. You were not disrespectful. You did not talk about her behind her back. Because you did not give any info that could have identified her. SHE broke your boundaries by demanding you can't do basic, rational, sensible things.