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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2019
Location: USA
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#21
Tisha, Keep asking your husband and doing research since this is so important to you. I would also ask God too! You probably know more about real estate than me but I think this tax break makes buying and selling a home less risky: Principal Residence Definition
In most cases, taxpayers must file taxes on capital gains from the sale of any property. However, when they sell their home of primary residence, they could qualify for an exclusion of a $250,000 gain ($500,000 if married filing jointly) if they meet the following requirements according to the IRS:2 They owned the home and used it as their primary residence in at least two of the five years preceding the sale of the property. They did not acquire the home through a like-kind exchange in the past five years. They did not exclude the gain from the sale of another home two years prior to the sale of this home. |
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Legendary
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#22
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I read articles about how someone will keep telling their partner things are going to be great someday, all the things they’ll do…meanwhile things in the present sucked, and nothing’s going to be great when we don’t even get along. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary
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#23
I wish he had put his hands to my throat. It would have been a split second decision to get out and stay out for me. The insidious neglect and comments were a slow, more torturous cutting me off from breathing.
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2019
Location: USA
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#24
If the issue is state income taxes then the answer seems like having a small second home. Maybe it could be financed by renting it for part of the year. Don't give up on your dreams Tisha. There must be a reason your children are in another state and that all of this is causing such mental anguish. I feel like all of the mental anguish that I went through was to teach me to stand up for myself and trust in God. There must be a reason for all that you are going through too!
And what I have gone through also taught me to be less impulsive (to ask for discernment before I act), to understand that I don't always understand everything in other people's hearts and that I must learn submit to authority but that I should also openly confront authority in a respectful way (and others should be respectful too, even if they don't agree, I believe that husbands and fathers are due respect because of the authority given to them--the same with government officials and the police--this doesn't mean that we can't take action against them if they cross the line by breaking laws) and trust that it will all work out. Last edited by TunedOut; May 07, 2021 at 05:01 AM.. |
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Legendary
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#25
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__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary
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#26
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The other son is in grad school there. He works 24/7. My presence there would be an imposition to him. He’s sweet, loving, and caring, but I wouldn’t want to be a burden. Our youngest is starting college there. I could be closer to help him if he needed something. It would be easier for him to come home for his breaks without the travel issue, and in my fantasy, the whole family could celebrate holidays right there in the same town. I have had a fondness to the place because I was born there. It could be a new start in a totally different atmosphere. The people have a reputation for being nicer. Maybe I’ll make some new friends! I would like to start to actually work. I have a job which I do not even work in because it is at my own pace and my current boss doesn’t care if I do nothing…so I do nothing. I hate that I have been a severely depressed, barely functional person for my entire adult life, since marriage! I want to turn around how I feel about myself and how others see me. I want to set a better example for my family. Right now the clutter in my home is ridiculous. My in-laws passed away and we brought all their stuff into our house. I’m selling our stuff on ebay one chachkie at a time. I haven’t been able to park my car in the garage for two years because he stuck his car, that he doesn’t drive, in the space and refuses to move it, or start it, or fix it, or sell it. I hate living with a person who is such opposition! It’s so overwhelming I feel stuck and helpless. He initiates nothing that makes me happy. He only does what he likes. He liked clogging our house up with all that stuff and leaving it there. I like him to get rid of it in a timely, efficient way. It’s a battle where i have to keep annoying him to do what I want. It’s so frustrating, it’s just not worth it and I give up and cry—-major depressive disorder diagnosis but living with a tormentor! __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Alive99, RollercoasterLover, TunedOut
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#27
TishaBuv I don't think I know enough about your marriage and your husband doesn't seem like he's necessarily all that self-aware or easy to deal with, but do you think he would be open to some sortof compromise if he thinks it's too much to move across states for an idea that he may be mistrustful of whether it would work out well? From your posts, he sounded like he liked the idea originally but then something about it made him too concerned. And what that something is, it would help to know.
For example, maybe if he doesn't have to commit to a whole new big change right away, it would work better. You also mention that he's concerned about money a lot, and that is where maybe he gets in his own way, liking the idea but then getting too concerned about saving money because maybe he would need it for some weird catastrophy in future. These are just examples though, I don't know him. What I read about is that with these things with really bad disagreements in a marriage where no one easily sees a compromise, it helps discover what the parties in the disagreement really need. Like you mentioned you need some change of environment, for however long it may have to be, and you seem to need to have a closer relationship with your kids (and to your husband too, you said that in a post) and your husband, again who knows what he needs there. If he is not aware of his needs though or maybe he is aware but has no skills in communicating them, it's going to make finding a compromise harder, but it's worth a try. Without either of you getting triggered lolol we talked about that in the other thread, or at least if you can keep up boundaries about the triggers if it's possible to avoid those while discussing the issue. But if he's impossible to work with on a compromise even when less stressed (after all the lockdown mess ends and you have more space etc) and even if you made sure you kept all your boundaries and avoided triggers, then I think that's a big red flag. |
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TishaBuv
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#28
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I'm so sorry to hear that it's been like that in the marriage and that is a red flag too to me. It makes me think he was not helping bring the best out of you but instead drained you and THAT'S the red flag to me. I thought it was just this bad with the lockdown. But your goal sounds very empowering! Reading it all together it also makes me feel like your wanting to move to the other state is like you want to start a new life in a new environment because you are trying to find that empowerment? And that is what I mean by how big disagreements in marriage are pointers to deeper needs (this is what I read). Quote:
(And I'm not talking about those deep disagreements on major things like your moving to a new state. I'm talking about more "superficial" practical issues like the one you mentioned here about the clutter) It was overwhelming and terrible to me too and when sometimes I somehow got through to them in the way I described, it was really cool and felt like OH finally this is working with him?!, but it was also like it needed all my emotional control to keep the emotions out of it (because maybe it was trigger stuff for me....pretty sure it was, actually) so I don't know if that on its own is the solution because it was still pretty hard to do. I don't know really. I hope you will find the way to do what you want. |
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TishaBuv
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#29
I don’t think it’s entirely healthy to have our whole identities wrapped up around our kids and husbands. Kids do move away. The world doesn’t end with it. Just go enjoy yourself. You can visit kids out of state.
Take the car out of the garage if it’s not being driven and put yours there. Tow the one that just sits there Give him 30 days to move stuff out. If it’s still there in 30 days, bring a big truck, load stuff and take all that clutter to Salvation Army. Take charge. You don’t need him to take charge especially if he doesn’t seem to care one way or the other. You can get stuff done yourself |
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Have Hope, unaluna
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
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#30
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__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
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#31
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He gave me the he’s sorry routine as usual, says he’s a nervous wreck and doesn’t know how to react when I spring new ideas on him…it’s true. He didn’t have to go say such a nasty comment about I don’t get along with anybody. He did it to hurt me. Why hurt his wife with emotional issues when he wants to put this on track? but, as usual, I’ve backed down again and said I still want to continue with him. I don’t have the balls to leave, still hoping we’ll learn to get along. It’s true, he’s more nervous than me. He’s a jerk who says and does hurtful things rather than helping me and building me up. I do seem to bounce back though. I guess this means I eventually have enough self esteem to forgive his stupid comments and actions. I go into deep depression, panic and want to end it and run, then back down and try to keep going with him. I am more frustrated with myself than any of you here must be with me and I am sorry and thank you all for your kind support for so long on here. Plus, I really feel like I need to be close enough to get to the youngest who is starting a very stressful program and may need some support. Not that I’m that much of a hover mom, it’s based on his anxiety and the very demanding major he is doing with a scholarship. At least he did move his car out and mine is back in the garage. I am flip/flop on all of this. I’m sorry guys. My volatile relationship is not okay. I am not okay with it. You are right, Divine, I have no identity of my own. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T Last edited by TishaBuv; May 07, 2021 at 08:49 PM.. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#32
What can he do to you?
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Legendary
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#33
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#34
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I don’t recommend people throw away each other stuff. I don’t do such things either but why is it ok for him to disrespect you by not letting you park in the garage but it’s unacceptable for you to clear up the space for parking your car there. Why such imbalance. I know I’d be deeply depressed and anxious living in a mess, clutter and surrounded by stuff that isn’t even used. I am not surprised you are crying every day. I feel stressed just reading about it. See we all live with choices we make. If you don’t want to rock the boat and disrespect your husband then you’d keep living like this and be unhappy. I am not saying you need to get a divorce but you sure should be able to park your car in a garage |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
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#35
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I am not okay with his nasty comment he said intentionally to hurt me. I asked him to go away and do his own thing from here going forward. I think he left the house. His insisting that he has to be here for an 18 y/o who stays by himself in his room or goes out with friends is ludicrous. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#36
My sister in law is a hoarder. My brother finally gave up and tossed stuff when she was out of town. I think it was 60 industrial size trash bags. We thought they’d get divorced because she was obviously very upset. Things smoothed over but she is not accumulating as much stuff. Probably scared he’ll toss it again. I mean he went overboard but over 30 years of marriage of this nonsense and she wouldn’t get rid of stuff pushed him over the edge.
We grew up with semi hoarding parents. We were embarrassed growing up. We have hard time with clutter. I am not a minimalist. I love my stuff but if it’s being regularly used, have value, looks good and in a good condition, otherwise it’s out the door. |
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Legendary
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#37
I don’t think he’d qualify as a hoarder. He’s just never thrown anything out. He has his schoolwork from grade school. His parents kept it in their closet and never emptied it. When I forced him to throw out one small arts and craft item, he got upset, yelling, “I made that with my own hands!” Okay, so maybe he is a bit off kilter in that thinking. Lol.
It occurred to me that because he cannot throw out anything is probably the reason he can’t throw out me! He puts stuff on every surface in the house, taking over the room, making it look awful. I stopped going into the den, I stopped trying to use the dining room, the bedroom the older boys vacated became a storage unit, full of dusty things. I can’t even go in there without getting an allergy attack. I am constantly taking the things he lets pile up off the kitchen counter and moving it to the other cluttered areas. I don’t fight with him about it. It would be too much of a constant fight. I haven’t even let this bother me over our whole marriage, although it did. I didn’t complain or fight with him about this! If he uses something, it is left where he used it, he will not put it away. I will put it away. At his job, he was in charge and others cleaned up after him as part of the job, so he is used to the entitlement, and I cleaned up after him, too. When we first got together, I started cleaning and processing his stuff. He was grateful for it. He had a stack of newspapers, several feet high. He said he hadn’t gotten around to reading them. I threw out inches at a time while he wasn’t looking until one day he wondered where all his papers went. . It bothered me that he wasn’t the kind of man who cared about the house and fixed things. He didn’t take pleasure in throwing balls with his boys. This sense of laziness was his personality. He was perfect and careful at work, then withdrawn at home. I accepted it. In the long run, it hurt our family, and his relationship with his sons. It hurt them to not have that dad who takes interest in you man to man. We’re having a peaceful afternoon, just my son and I. We picked out some things for him to take to college. He played me his wonderful guitar solos and some songs he’s writing. When it’s the three of us here, there isn’t that one on one attention. It seems like it’s just more him asking our son if he’s done what he needs to be doing. They aren’t connecting, and I only get to really connect with my son when my h isn’t here. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
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#38
That nasty comment he made, which was unprovoked by me, was the ‘hands to my throat’. It is clear to me to run. He truly hates me underneath his pretend love or he would never have made the lowest blow to hurt me like that. I know what I have to do.
It’s just me and my son visiting my mother today. I asked him to stay away for good, but he refuses, said he’d be back tonight. I’ll have to get the strength up for the lawyer again. I have horrific anxiety about that! __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary
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#39
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I guess his barb was not enough for my family to say get out. What if he had physically assaulted me, would they have said run? So, now I am backing down once again, no more steam. He’s acting like nothing happened. He said he was sorry for the comment and that’s it. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#40
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