[AzulOscuro]

I ask this question because I think everyone in one moment or another felt the temptation to play the role of a victim.
In my opinion it’s a defence mechanism but most of the times is fruitless. The interesting thing is the why.
What takes you to play such a role? what are you trying to compensate? What did it tell you about yourself? What’s not working out?

I’ve been playing the victim role for many years. Not in a aware way. Just the opposite. I believed myself a victim. I used to walk on tiptoes as if I were less than anybody. As if I had to beg pardon for existing. I’m still wondering myself why. The why is the key, in my opinion. Maybe it was because I felt weak or I interpret from someone else that I was weak. I only know that this has been my way to pass through life until at about a couple of months.

[Yaowen]

I have felt that way at times too.

I think, and of course I could be wrong, that we both give and receive in the world. We are neither all-powerful beings who can make absolutely everything go our way but neither are we completely powerless beings at the mercy of all things.

We are kind of in the middle. We have some power which we exercise, rightly and sometimes wrongly on others and the world and we are also on the receiving end of the power of others.

And this is a very fluid situation where things change with actions, reactions, reactions to the reactions so on.

I think the word "victim" means in part someone who is the recipient of an action or actions of another, actions which are detrimental to the one receiving. So I think that everyone is at some time a "victim" in this sense.

I like to walk and when I walk I try not to step on any ants because I have a certain reverence for life. The other day I was walking and lost my concentration and crushed an ant by mistake. This poor little ant was a "victim" of my action even though I didn't intend for this to happen. Its life was taken from it by my action.

Of course, I think there is also the case where one "pretends to be a victim" in order to achieve some goal. I think people do this sometimes too, some more than others perhaps. It is, I suspect a kind of survival tactic: "Please don't hurt me because I am already hurt."

Sometimes it is effective. Sometimes not. Sometimes it does more harm than good.

It is a tactic also used in the animal world. The opossum is an animal that pretends to be dead in order to escape predators. It lies still with a stiff body and even emits the scent of death from a special organ on its body.

Animals, especially prey animals have quite a few different strategies and tactics written into their being: fleeing danger, freezing, playing dead, camouflage and so on.

No one calls a rabbit a coward for always running from danger. No one calls an opossum a faker from pretending to be dead.

I think humans have quite a menu of options to choose from when it comes to acting and reacting in the world. Some are helpful. Some are not. Some are counterproductive. And I think circumstances and extenuating factors enter into all this.

Perhaps all of these things enter into the idea of "victimization." I once read a surprising thing written by a psychiatrist. He wrote: "Depression is the inability to feel that one is a victim."

I think what he meant was that depressed people can be very hard on themselves. They can blame themselves for everything. They can magnify their faults and minimize the faults of others. They can attribute the faults of others to circumstances while they attribute their faults and weaknesses to being a bad person.

I know that I myself have been a victim but that I have also at times "played a victim" as a coping mechanism. I try not to be too hard on myself for that. I did what I did to survive. Although I did not do the best I could, I did do the best I could given everything influencing me at that time. So I try to have a little compassion for myself.

Of course what works for one person might fail horribly for someone else. People are different and are in different circumstances. It is hard to know what one would do if one was someone else and in that person's life.

[Deilla]

For me, it comes and goes. One day I feel like a victim the next day I feel empowered. I try to live an empowered role. But sometimes, family or friends let me down and I feel awful. Or I get a physical ailment. I'm working on it. It's a process for me.

[sarahsweets]

I struggle with coming up with a definition of "victim role" that makes sense to me. Like for example who decides if its a role or reality? Or what if the vicitim is a victim but people think they are playing a part?

[AzulOscuro]

Oh, I’m sorry. I think that I didn’t explain well myself. Of course there are situations where you are the target of misdemeanours from other people, even the target of abuse. I wasn’t referring to these objective situations.

I was referring to a psychological mechanism, most of the times, used to prevent you from taking action of facing to your fears.

I should have put this in the social anxiety forum or the dependent personality disorder.
I do understand I may have confused people. I’m sorry.

[RoxanneToto]

The people I find infuriating are those who reverse victim and offender roles aka Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender (DARVO).
On topic, I think I have done more than my fair share, but it’s not always easy to see a way to empower oneself; these days I do try and do that where possible. Feeling helpless is one of the worst things.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I ask this question because I think everyone in one moment or another felt the temptation to play the role of a victim.
In my opinion it’s a defence mechanism but most of the times is fruitless. The interesting thing is the why.
What takes you to play such a role? what are you trying to compensate? What did it tell you about yourself? What’s not working out?

I’ve been playing the victim role for many years. Not in a aware way. Just the opposite. I believed myself a victim. I used to walk on tiptoes as if I were less than anybody. As if I had to beg pardon for existing. I’m still wondering myself why. The why is the key, in my opinion. Maybe it was because I felt weak or I interpret from someone else that I was weak. I only know that this has been my way to pass through life until at about a couple of months.

I feel like this all the time. I’m certainly guilty of this myself.

[Mountaindewed]

I often feel like I deserved to be the victim. In 2010 and 2011 when I was finshing up highschool. I was super fat and I just kept gaining weight and I didnt take showers or use deodarent. I either wore odd clothes or too tight shirts. My breasts were enromous. I always had a stupid haircut and my glasses were too small.

Now I feel happy with who I am and I often think of that meme "be careful who you call ugly in highschool."

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I often feel like I deserved to be the victim. In 2010 and 2011 when I was finshing up highschool. I was super fat and I just kept gaining weight and I didnt take showers or use deodarent. I either wore odd clothes or too tight shirts. My breasts were enromous. I always had a stupid haircut and my glasses were too small.

Now I feel happy with who I am and I often think of that meme "be careful who you call ugly in highschool."

I don’t know that meme but I can figure it. lol!

I understand you. It’s important to like yourself outside and inside but when you like who you are no matter what, you have lots of energy, kind of push to take care of yourself more, even your outer. 😀

[sarahsweets]

Is anyone else bothered by the language of “playing the victim “? I’m not saying no one ever does this but so many people are accused of this when it’s not true.

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[Marie123]

I never thought of myself as a victim (although) I lived thru a childhood of poverty and abuse and an abusive marriage and other ugly things. I saw myself as an overcomer.......my life story won a scholarship and I began school at 60!

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Is anyone else bothered by the language of “playing the victim “? I’m not saying no one ever does this but so many people are accused of this when it’s not true.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don’t have any problem in asking the mods for changing the title of the thread.
What about “ feeling the victim”?

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Marie123

I never thought of myself as a victim (although) I lived thru a childhood of poverty and abuse and an abusive marriage and other ugly things. I saw myself as an overcomer.......my life story won a scholarship and I began school at 60!

Congrats! Not easy to go through what you went. You are very strong.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I don’t have any problem in asking the mods for changing the title of the thread.
What about “ feeling the victim”?

Oh gosh I didn’t mean you should change the thread, I just mean that people are quick not you to throw that term around especially when they are trying to gaslight you into not sharing your experience.

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[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Oh gosh I didn’t mean you should change the thread, I just mean that people are quick not you to throw that term around especially when they are trying to gaslight you into not sharing your experience.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I understand now what you meant.
Anyway, I thought I wasn’t very lucky in the expression I used in the thread. It sounded as if I was putting the blame on a person who struggles and if I were being judgemental on a mechanism that is unconscious.

Answering your last message. Me too. I feel pretty bothered when a person try to get control over another one by putting him/herself in the victim control when it’s in the end just the other way around.

It seems to me, but this is a personal feeling, that it’s more likely that the person who is target of coercive control are those who tend to have a lower self-esteem and are open to self-criticism.

Being in control or your needs and feeling strong is very helpful to put limits when someone is trying to get control on you. And for many people is not easy.
For example, it’s now that I got to have a healthy self-esteem and I’m very aware of up to which point I’m ready to take in.

[eskielover]

For some reason I never felt like a victim when things happened all my life. I remember thinking I didn't like a situation or how a person was treating me but my mind always went to figuring out what I needed to do to change the situation. My parents were pretty dysfunctional so I didn't learn that behavior from them. Guessing it was a nature not nurture thing with me. Even in grade school, my parents had no clue how I learned to stand up for myself.

I did feel trapped in my bad marriage at the end but it was more because I hadn't come across a working solution (until I did & acted immediately) I have always been a problem solver even when I was right in the middle of a trauma. It effected me but I took action to end the situation. Maybe I just always had self confidence in my problem solving abilities & knew once I had the solution I could end the situation. I found after awhile that many people didn't even try to mess with me. Even my (EX) husband knew that, but he was just stupid & now really is destroying his own life....glad I didn't stay

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by eskielover

For some reason I never felt like a victim when things happened all my life. I remember thinking I didn't like a situation or how a person was treating me but my mind always went to figuring out what I needed to do to change the situation. My parents were pretty dysfunctional so I didn't learn that behavior from them. Guessing it was a nature not nurture thing with me. Even in grade school, my parents had no clue how I learned to stand up for myself.

I did feel trapped in my bad marriage at the end but it was more because I hadn't come across a working solution (until I did & acted immediately) I have always been a problem solver even when I was right in the middle of a trauma. It effected me but I took action to end the situation. Maybe I just always had self confidence in my problem solving abilities & knew once I had the solution I could end the situation. I found after awhile that many people didn't even try to mess with me. Even my (EX) husband knew that, but he was just stupid & now really is destroying his own life....glad I didn't stay

You made me recall a research with babies about resilience. It showed nature plays a big role in how we take influences from the environment.
It was a surprise for me because I tended to think our upbringing was key and the role of gems was mild.
Interesting!

[downandlonely]

For a long time, I felt like I was a helpless victim of circumstances and that my problems were not my fault at all. The problem with this mentality is that I thought there was nothing I could do to change and improve my life.

When I joined a 12 step fellowship in 2020, I learned that I am not helpless. Yes, there are things that I cannot change, and I am learning to accept them. But I can change my own attitudes and behaviors, and doing that has really improved my outlook on life.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

For a long time, I felt like I was a helpless victim of circumstances and that my problems were not my fault at all. The problem with this mentality is that I thought there was nothing I could do to change and improve my life.

When I joined a 12 step fellowship in 2020, I learned that I am not helpless. Yes, there are things that I cannot change, and I am learning to accept them. But I can change my own attitudes and behaviors, and doing that has really improved my outlook on life.

You hit the nail on the head.

My last psychologist was the one who made me see that perspective you are describing. Realising of it, it’s the only way to get out of the circuit and do something different.

[downandlonely]

I'm glad your psychologist helped you see that.

Most of the therapists I've had let me continue to play the victim. I believe that's why individual therapy never worked for me, and the 12 steps do work.

[AzulOscuro]

Well, you achieved the same as me but by yourself.
All ways drive to Rome. The important is that you, me are opened to progress. This is the most important.

[Marie123]

I have never felt like a victim,rather an overcomer! I overcame a childhood of verbal and physical abuse from a violent mother, didn't know my father (met him when Iwas 30) poverty (no phone car refrigerator, tub or shower) in a 120-year old tenement house with bad neighbors, molested, then a 31 year abusive marriage (got a divorce), then abuse from a church. I took all of the "ashes" of my life and kept on going, my life story won a scholarship, and I started school at 60.

[downandlonely]

Originally Posted by Marie123

I have never felt like a victim,rather an overcomer! I overcame a childhood of verbal and physical abuse from a violent mother, didn't know my father (met him when Iwas 30) poverty (no phone car refrigerator, tub or shower) in a 120-year old tenement house with bad neighbors, molested, then a 31 year abusive marriage (got a divorce), then abuse from a church. I took all of the "ashes" of my life and kept on going, my life story won a scholarship, and I started school at 60.

What an incredible story! I bet you are proud you were able to overcome so much and make a new beginning.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Marie123

I have never felt like a victim,rather an overcomer! I overcame a childhood of verbal and physical abuse from a violent mother, didn't know my father (met him when Iwas 30) poverty (no phone car refrigerator, tub or shower) in a 120-year old tenement house with bad neighbors, molested, then a 31 year abusive marriage (got a divorce), then abuse from a church. I took all of the "ashes" of my life and kept on going, my life story won a scholarship, and I started school at 60.

Very brave on your part! 😀 You rock!

[Sohappy]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I ask this question because I think everyone in one moment or another felt the temptation to play the role of a victim.
In my opinion it’s a defence mechanism but most of the times is fruitless. The interesting thing is the why.
What takes you to play such a role? what are you trying to compensate? What did it tell you about yourself? What’s not working out?

I’ve been playing the victim role for many years. Not in a aware way. Just the opposite. I believed myself a victim. I used to walk on tiptoes as if I were less than anybody. As if I had to beg pardon for existing. I’m still wondering myself why. The why is the key, in my opinion. Maybe it was because I felt weak or I interpret from someone else that I was weak. I only know that this has been my way to pass through life until at about a couple of months.

I guess I "play the victim" because I want them to genuinely believe how sorry I am for upsetting them and stop hating me by bringing it up so many times and I hope they don't hold my mistakes against me.