[black-roses]

So I know I have dark parts of my personality things I've done I'm well aware I just want to know how I would forgive myself and reconcile those parts of myself that I feel like aren't worth forgiveness. When I tell people about my past and the stuff I feel so awful about people do forgive me it's me that carries the shame. My mum has forgiven me she has never held my mistakes against me but I have that high standard of myself because I don't ever want her to feel that pain again. Everyday I'm doing more to become aware of my reactions and inattention due to my mind wondering somewhere else. I know that sometimes she still thinks I'm gross she thought I put blood on a sock and left it on the couch. I told her it wasn't blood we had this argument she then gets the sock from the bin and realizes it's not blood. I have an emotional back down just because I feel like I'm not doing enough to be better I find tafe stressful I want to do more, I want her to be proud of me I want that approval so bad.

[CANDC]

@black-roses I am sorry that you feel shame or guilt from past actions. Sometimes the way people act and speak towards us reinforces those feelings.

I have made many mistakes that I regret. I have made the determination not to repeat those again. I cannot change the past so I let go of it. Sometimes friends and family are not ready or willing to let bygones be bygones. I am not sure what they get out of holding onto grudges, but I am trying to stop being resentful of others because it makes me feel horrible.

I an not sure about forgiving or getting others to accept me. The only thing that has worked for me so far is not reacting as much to that person and letting go of the inner critic that is always beating me up with guilt trips. I try to ignore the inner critic or state what I think is a fair assessment of the situation. "I am doing the best I can and that is all I can do."

There are some people who I will never meet their expectations. When dad died I had to let go of that struggle for their acceptance. I have used gratitude as a way to heal the rift in my mind that I could never do while he was alive. I stopped blaming him and blaming myself. We all did the best we could.

There are no easy ways through this but I keep trying to not react and get in arguments with people. No one ever wins those. Hope you find a way to be gentler with yourself. You are a very creative person with all your poetry. Hope you keep finding ways to express yourself.
@CANDC

[black-roses]

Thank you