[JulieBean]

Its kind of a wonder I've actually gotten myself to write on here. I'm not even quite sure what I have or what my problem is. I make excuses for myself, trivialize it. I blame myself. I go back and forth between thinkings its my fault and thinking maybe I have a problem and need help.

I can barely even bring myself to write about it because I just feel like people will give me stupid advice and not understand at all. Like, as if I hadn't tried all those regular things to try and fix it.

Its kinda like when I had heat exhaustion when I worked as a costume character... finally got to get out of costume, layed down on my stomach on the floor, and was completely unable to move for how long I didn't even know. I was alone in the dressing room. I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough.

Thats my motivation. I go through spurts of having motivation and not, but mainly its small instances of breaking out of what is my normal complete lack of motivation.

I've always had depression off and on. My circumstances are constantly painful. Before this last semester started I was sexually assaulted and shortly thereafter my boyfriend dumped me because he couldn't handle "being the supportive guy." But the assault had lots of gray areas, it was a friend, and I understood what happened, so I put myself back together quickly and was just resentful for awhile. I don't feel like it affects me. And when it does, I let it. I am very self-aware.

But this motivation thing has reached a new level. I feel, for the most part, ok. This isn't the debilitating depression I've had in the past. I don't feel miserable all the time... sometimes I feel miserable... but for the most part I feel normal. But for the life of me... I can't get myself to do ANYTHING.

Its now come to the point where I spend most of my days in bed. If I have somewhere to be, I usually manage to get there. I'm usually late, but I get there. But studying and homework...

Ok, I guess I should say I'm a 23-year-old college student. Its taking me this long because I keep having to re-take courses.

I can't. get myself. to do. anything.

I mentioned lately I've been spending all my time in bed. The last few days I've barely even eaten. I think today I may have gotten somewhere in the ballpark of 800 calories.

I have a final tomorrow. In this class, I have done next to none of the assignments. There are three chapters to read for the test.... in a book I never got myself to get. I could have made up all the assignments and gotten them in by the day of the test. My professor is lenient. But I couldn't even do that. Usually when it gets to that point my sense of urgency kicks in a little and I'm able to scramble and do what I need to do.

My sense of urgency is non-existant.

I've been putting off writing this post for months.

I can't live like this anymore. I'm a really smart person. I have so many goals. There are so many things I want to do with my life. I am going to be a music teacher. I can't be a music teacher like this.

The topper? My parents don't support me and live across the country. I have three dollars to my name and no health insurance.


Do I have any options? I'm desparate.

[justfloating]

Hi Julie,

I understand exactly where you're coming from. I probably could have written your post myself. I have much better mood and energy levels than I did when my depression was at its worst, but I still have no motivation to do anything, and I blame myself a lot of the time for not getting anything done beyond the absolute basics.

I honestly don't know how much of this is depression versus lack of personal effort. I don't know how much effort we're supposed to put in -- I feel like I use my depression as a crutch a lot of the time, in order to not get anything done, but at the same time I equate the effort involved in throwing an elephant with reading a chapter of my textbook. A lot of the time I feel like I'm trying to move through molasses, it's really frustrating. Anyway, I wanted you to know I understand how you're feeling. School is a VERY inconvenient place to be feeling like this!

But you do have options. Most schools have a student support network of some kind, and if you're struggling they're there to help you get through. Have you talked to any counsellors at school to let them know that you're having a hard time? If you tell them you have a history of depression -- and to me it sounds like you're not entirely out of the woods with that -- they'll usually contact your academic departments and let them know that you may need to be given a little leeway. It's good for your teachers to at least know what's going on with you, so that they don't chalk this up to you simply not trying or caring about your courses. Once I'd made my academic departments aware of what was going on, it definitely took a load off my mind. Plus, in talking to student support, you might be able to get some information or counselling that could help get you out of the slump you're in. They're there to help, and from personal experience I know I would have dropped out of school by now if I hadn't gotten help. If you think it'd be weird talking about how you're feeling to someone, why don't you print out your post and bring it along?

None of this is your fault. You may need a little extra help, but it's certainly not a sign of weakness. Asking for help or admitting you need a little extra time to get things done is a sign of strength that you acknowledge something isn't right, but you're going to do your best despite it. Good luck, and keep us posted on how you're doing.

[Catherine2]

JulieBean, hi...
It took courage and honesty to post about your situation. I applaud your willingness to reach out for help/guidance.

Are there counseling services available at your college?
Many people are not aware of them, but the counselors are professionals and there to help the students.
When my daughter was in college she used not only the counseling services but the health care services also. She shared that she received very good help.
Perhaps it would be wise to see what is available to you?

I mentioned the health services because there are also physical conditions that can be the cause of some of your problems...the fatigue/lack of motivation, change in appetite, etc..

Please let us know how you are doing, ok?

Catherine

[Rohag]

Hi, JulieBean!

Justfloating and Catherine2 have offered excellent advice. As you seem to be in the USA, you also can try contacting 2-1-1.

Originally Posted by JulieBean

I can't. get myself. to do. anything.
My sense of urgency is non-existant.

Too familiar...(shivers)

[JulieBean]

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.

I finally made myself an appointment with the school counseling services for tomorrow morning.

I should have done that back in January.

I guess thats all for now.