[specialdarkness]

Just when i thought my one friend in crisis was overload.......last night, my Gfriend called crying.......AND a cutter friend IM'd in crisis as well.....so now i'm trying to carry three people on my very tired back.....and it came right when i was "taking a break" J. called yest...."THIS is THE call" he said......jesus....i'm at my mom's.....it's simply too much to bear. But as if i can turn my back to ANY one of them. So, S. is trigging my cutting.....J. is trigging my depression, and C. is calling 5 times a day.....i'm freaking out.
It's almost 6am.....it's been over 24 hrs. since sleep.......i'm exausted, broken, and very weak.....i couldn't be in a more fragile state if i tried.......
NO ONE is cutting me a break either......my time is used up.......i feel so down, so hopeless......i'm sure these guys will bleed me dry in a matter of days......where do i find SOM#E form of solace???!!! Nowhere.
Fate is making damn sure i break with maximum damage.
I'm lost, tired, and giving up. Sorry.....i just won't hold up to this kind of pressure long. Seems i was right.....some things are unavoidable aren't they?

[justfloating]

hi specialdarkness, it sounds like you've got a lot of burdens to bear right now.

The thing is, (and this may sound harsh) you really, really can't. It's a little like asking someone with the flu to look after other flu patients as well. Yes, you may be able to help them, but definitely not as well as you could if you were well, and you are never going to heal if you don't get some rest too. I understand that these friends are in need of help -- it looks to me like they're all in very serious trouble themselves -- but if you think about it for a moment, what good are you to them in the state you're in now, especially if you end up collapsing under the weight of their problems because you've been unable to deal with your own?

It sounds to me like these people need professional care. The best thing you can do for them right now is direct them to that kind of care. As far as I know, you're not a professional, and you yourself are sick too! All that's going to happen is you are going to be dragged down to a place where you won't be of any help to anyone. I don't mean to sound harsh, and I don't mean you should abandon your friends -- it's great that you're there for them and they're lucky to have you! -- but maybe their need for help has gone beyond your capacity to help them just now. Maybe it's time to start directing them to the professionals?

Take good care of yourself. After all you've been doing for these people, you deserve it!

[bipolar_bear]

I am sorry that you are in such pain. You may want to consider self care right now. I understand your feeling that you "need" to help your friends but you need to be well to do so. It sounds like they are in crisis and better helped by a professional. You need to get some sleep as soon you won't be thinking clear enough to help anyone. I hope you find a solution to your problem that best serves you too.

BB

[specialdarkness]

Deep, bottomless, black, overwhelming, hopeless.......i emailed an outreach worker from crisis and counseling yest.....for advice....so i don't do more harm than good. They called....but i was xanax'd and beer'd out cold, but got an email asking me to call...but i can't. One...if i tell them what he's been telling me...he'll get hauled off....i have been taken by c and c by ambulance more than my share of times....i won't do that to him...i finally got him on the phone today, and he SAID he was ok....i just don't know, the things he said....but i WON'T do that to him by surprise, just no. Not without telling him first. Two....i'm really worried....if i WERE to call them....(they know me way too well.....if YOU knew the things iv'e done to myself...what THEY know...) that i would wind up spilling my soul to them....and it would be ME in that ^%@#*&^ ambulance AGAIN. My sister is coming from Col. soon, and i have to be ok....just......ok, just while she's here. Iv'e been nothing but a burden and a worry to family for forever....do you know what it's like...to see their eyes...when they see you in paper clothes, and sedated...I'd rather just quietly give in to these feelings and thoughts...let what happens happen. I guess...i'm just going to keep things to myself, i'm very tired....cold....shakey. The best i can do is try and numb ther pain with whatever i can....and only let myself cry and cut when i know i'm alone......telling NO ONE .....no more attention, no more causing worry and bringing shame to them. I'm done asking for help, and being weak, and needy. I think i just might quit the program and support team too......they catch on to things easily.....no more psych.....team meetings....groups....meds....no more. If i just curl up with this, and become whatever it is to be......i'm so &^%$*&^ tired of crying....of feeling.....of being. I really don't think i was meant to get old, or just go on and on....i'll have no regrets, it's been long enough for someone to just suffer hasn't it??!! I have always believed...some of us were put here to suffer, so others don't have to.....and it's obvious....i am one of those people. But one can only endure for so long....always needing help, always the one who does things wrong....i hurt myself because SO many have already hurt me.....iv'e learned, no one can hurt me like i can. I had better stop here.......i'm sorry, if i tell you any more.....you'll just get disgusted with how weak, and worthless i am. I don't really deserve to get to talk about this stuff......i'm sure whomever reads this will think they can help....or advise me as to whether i need help.....iv'e come to realize....it's gone past that point now. Fighting it just takes too much of what i don't have anymore of. I'm shaking, with tears running down my stupid face....and i think i'll just leave this off here. Sorry.

[specialdarkness]

There's no one left to talk to honey....and there aint no one to buy your innocence.