~ My Dead Reverie ~

Well I've not been on this website for quite somtime, I've been very busy with life otherwise. It's spring break now though...no school. I've been struggling with my classes specifically math, and my art hasn't been getting the best grades lately either. I don't know where to place this so I'm placing it under depression as depression is a very broad subject matter.

I've been posting my artwork on several websites to get constructive criticism, but only one of those sites actually provides me with helpful insights...the other sites just nag at me for doing this or that wrong. My father is abusive verbally now, although physically he's stoppped. Hope he never does that stuff again...I've been just ignoring his words and such when he says things. Learning what I can ask for, and do when around him. An area I've never bothered to explore before.

I just got into therapy a few weeks ago...my therapist does 50 minute sessions and I'm wandering why not hourly. I feel kinda awkeward, I keep feeling as though I''m leading her on when I tell her about things....I guess she thinks I have a dissociative disorder. I think I might but am not certain on it, and feel severely guilty for " wasting her time " , as I put it. What's the point of going if there's going to be nothing accomplished ? My father just looses money to it...I feel bad. I need glasses for reading, but my father won't purchase them unless they're on sale. He wants me to pretend I'm 11 so we can get them on sale. I don't want to do it.

I recently am friends again with a certain someone at school...but I feel distant and lost now instead of connected. I feel distant from the entire world really...from my mother, and friends.

I've also been trying to self diagnos myself. Been doing alot of reading on certain disorders and such....which, just furthers my fear against my therapist. I'm afraid I'm wasting her time, but im also afraid she's going to think of me as a manipulative *****. Which, she's given no clue to she would....I mean she's real nice and everything, and seems to believe me fully when I tell her about things...but I just can't help feeling she's going to double cross me or hurt me.

....The people bashing my art really hurts me. Arts my life, and they bash it like it's nothing...no matter what I do it's not good enough, this is wrong or this or that and I need to work on this and that. Meh...

I'll be a graphics artist / conceptartist someday I will....

-.- doesn't help I have mood swings and anger that I'm not permitted to expres....

Wait is this complaining ? Am I trying to get piuty or guilt trip you ? Somebody called me a matyr once...is that what I am...? -.-

I'm also afraid of my therapist labeling me schizo or psychotic. At night I had a few hullicinations a few days ago, but I'll never mention that to her...never never never never... I just had them cuz I was sleepy -.- ..

4 deaths in my family within the last 12 months too..

I've got a phobia of fire...

And a phobia of being wrong...

Meh....guess I'll close this now.

Please support me I could use the support because I'm very lost right now.....

and the strange thing is... there's no pain and I'm not depressed and I'm not in an apathetic state either. Is this what calm feels like...? But I can't think either, and I have headaches...and my head is never quiet....

-goes back to researching subjects and perfecting duties -