Random Thoughts.....

Ever feel lost and like there is nowhere to go? That you have no one? Like there is no one that you can turn to that will understand? You try to think of something that you can do, but what is there? Nothing! You have friends but you don’t have friends! All your friends are either married and with their spouses, or they are out with their other friends and you don’t feel like you fit in! You have your cousin, but you don’t even feel like you fit in there. You feel like it is an effort to even make or take part in a converstaion. What would you say? You don’t follow politics and could care less for the most part. You try to keep up with what is going on in the world, but when it comes to converstaion you feel like your worthless or stupid and have nothing to say. Then you worry that people are just going to look at you and think “what is this loser doing here” she can’t open her mouth and she has nothing intelligent to say.” Why be subject to that. Or you feel like everyone is staring at you for whatever reason. So instead you sit in your house ALONE with nothing to do. You have managed to throw in a load of laundry and change the sheets. You looked through the ads in the paper. You had a beer. Now what? Dinner your not really hungry! Even though you did stop by the store to get something for dinner, but now you don’t want it or don’t feel like cooking. You know that there are so many things that need to be done, but can’t get them done or have the energy to do them.

You can’t help but to sit here and think about all the things that you DON”T need to think about. You know that it isn’t making you feel any better, but yet that is where your mind goes. Oh maybe I will have another beer, but yet you know that isn’t the smart thing to do either. Oh look at these cuts I did on my arm maybe I will do that. Oh look there is a bottle of pills lets take some of those! What was I thinking to see about getting new meds and talking to someone I find myself asking? Will I really go through with it? I have tried it before. Yeah it was nice to have someone to talk to, but it didn’t do me any good then, so why will it do me any good now? I get to a certain point and stop. If I feel any type of emotion I stop. I don’t want to be viewed as crazy or wow this lady is pretty screwed up. I feel like there are things that I can do to prevent this and and rack my brain over and over again trying to figure out what it is, but I can’t. Did I do something in my past to cause this? Did I do something wrong? Was I meant to be alone the rest of my life? Will I ever be happy again? Will anyone be able to love me and look past my depression or will I be marked as “don’t go near”?
Just want to hide in a dark place……….
(kind of long I know...sorry...just started typing )

((((((((((((( scotlandskye )))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry that you are struggling, it sounds like you are battling some of the same thoughts that I am dealing with currently. Just try to remember that depression lies to you and try not to get sucked into it, I am sending you some hugs.

One thing to remember when you are out with people, everyone loves to be listened to! So don't worry about not having anything to say, just be a good listener. People will think you are really nice, and you might learn something you didn't know. To feel like you are really participating all you have to do is rephrase some of what someone has already said to you. Being a good listener takes a lot of pressure off a person in social situations. And there are always plenty of people who love to talk, so us listeners are very necessary.

Yes someone will love you just as you are, but you have to be looking for that kind of person. And you have to accept and love yourself as you are, if you don't know how to do that you will miss people who are giving that gift to you. When we are too judgemental with ourselves we often believe that everyone else is judging us the same way. Very often we are wrong.

Wow, this is so me. I do feel for you and understand. Hope these hugs will help.

(((scotlandskye)))

You came to a great place . Where most of us can relate to what you are saying.
Being depressed is horrible . It's those THOUGHTS that seem to cripple
us. Most people that don't have it don't understand what we are going
through. It's not their fault . I wish they could be better informed of
this mental illness. If someone has diabetes (for example) they know
that it is caused by high or low blood sugar. When someone is depressed
they really don't know the facts. It's all in your head (which it is).
Snap out of it , you're lazy , you're worthless . Is that what they're
really thinking , or is that what we are telling ourselves what they are
thinking? Some of them might be and some of them might not.
Should we really care what they think? The people here do care
and understand what you are saying . Hang in there .
You can learn alot here

gimmeice thanks for the hugs. Good to know that I'm not the only one with some of these thoughts...I'm still learning that depression lies. I hear that a lot but for some reason have a hard time believing it! But then again I have a hard time believing most things that I'm told unless it's negative or something bad ( hope that makes sense )

Pomegranate I never thought about that about how people liked to be listened to. I will have to try and tell myself that. I would prefer to sit off by myself. I'm the shy quiet one. but when in social settings and in converstaions I tend to avoid any that might require a response. I have been looking for that person...found them, but can't have him...and that is tearing me up inside, but I have to learn to let that go. I guess I need to learn to love me for me first before I can expect anyone else to. I just hope that one day I can do that, which right now seems almost impossible. you gave me things to think about thank you

depressedalaskan nice to know that someone else out there thinks these things. Thanks for the hugs!

thanks babysteps 09.....your right most people that don't suffer from depression don't understand and it isn't their fault. I wish also they could be better informed. I know they mean well and all, but when they say go to the gym or go by an outfit. What they don't realize is how HARD it is to actually do those things. I would love to go to the gym, but can't seem to get there. You are right the people here are great! I was shy at first and scared, but am seeing that everyone understands and or can relate one way or the other. I have one person that I'm close with that I can talk to and that understands because he is going through it also. I can't even say how nice it has been to have that, but he is also married and I can't turn to him all the time and i'm trying not to but besides here he is the only one I can go to.

Thanks everyone

(((((((((((scotlandskye)))))))))))

First of all, I could have written your post myself. I've probably had a lot of those thoughts, word for word. I'm sorry you're suffering so much. Please try to remember that you didn't do anything to deserve this. Depression is an illness -- you are not to blame for having it.

Also, I know what you mean about not being able to participate in a lot of conversations, and Pomegranate is right, being a good listener is REALLY helpful in building relationships. I didn't realize that I WAS a good listener for a long time -- my depression just convinced me that I was too stupid to get involved in the conversation so I kept my mouth shut a lot of the time, and now most of the people I know will come to talk to me when they have something on their minds because they've determined that I'm a good listener. Weird eh? But it works for me just fine. What I find works is getting people to elaborate. Like if they tell you where they're from, ask whether they like it, then ask why/why not, etc. My depression makes me too brain-dead to pay much attention to lengthy conversations, but very few people know that I'm depressed, so for the sake of keeping up appearances that I'm more involved in the conversation than I really am, I automatically ask questions or prompt the other person to speak just so they won't see that I can't. The easiest one is "Why?" One word, but it gets you some of the longest elaborations, which in turns saves you from saying much at all.

Also, try not to worry too much about people not understanding your situation. Mental illnesses are very hard for many people to understand and/or accept, even when they try. Just tonight I apologized to my dad because my depression is making me crabby and I've been snapping at my family for no reason the past few days, and I warned him I'd be like that for a while because I can't get in to see the doctor for a few weeks, and all he said was "Everyone gets crabby; it's about self-control. Don't use your depression as an excuse." It bothers me that my own father would think I'm using my depression as an excuse to misbehave, but I've pretty much given up on trying to make him understand it completely. He's tried the past few months, and worrying about making him understand an illness that is as illogical as depression really only makes me feel worse. Just don't go blaming yourself for everyone else's inability to understand, and don't take what they tell you to heart. YOU know you have an illness, and as long as YOU are accepting of and working towards fixing it, that's the important thing. Plus, as has been said before, you always have PC, and everyone here understands what you're going through.

Thanks justfloating!!! I just wish more people could understand...mainly my family. They understand but yet don't. I put on the happy face. My mom will send me text are you ok? I know if I say no it will put her into panic mode and or she will call and say...Why don't you do this or that. I know she means well I really do. As you said I can't help the way that I feel and it isn't my fault. I know that deep down, but still fight with it from time to time.

I'm sorry that your dad doesn't understand. Yeah everyone gets crabby and some people can control it , but we can't. We can try 100% or more. We don't want to do bad things, or hurt ourselves or any of that, but the depression takes over and it happens.

Thanks for the kind and reassuring words

lots of questions in your head huh, you know what those are the exact same questions thats been going on in my head for years! what you wrote there is what i would have write. i still cant really find the answers for the questions myself. its nice to met someone who's having the same problems. at least it will keep you thinking that you are not alone my friend, im not alone, eventho i know we both feels very lonely at most times, i know you would feel the same way! but yeah people in here can understand our problems. which is great.