[scotlandskye]

I have made the decision to give up. Why?? Seems like the right thing to do. The last month has been a roller coster for me and one that seems to keep going down and no hills up. I was lucky to have someone that cared and was willing to help me. They even went to my psycharist appt with me. Now I'm afraid because I don't have anyone else to turn to that will understand that I have run them off. Yet I know deep down that is not really ture, or hope not. I know that they have their life and family and is going through their own things like currently looking for a job. I don't know why I think I can turn to them all the time with every little thought and expect them to be there. I'm just hurting myself. they are the ones that pushed me in the direction to get help again. I don't knwo if I did it for them or me. them would be my guess. because now that I haven't talked to them and haven't gotten responses from text it isn't for me because I want to give up. I feel like if I don't have that person there and on my side I can't go on. Maybe I'm being clingy and needy I don't know. I don't mean to be or want to be. Mabye they were only being nice and doing it so that I would get help and would leave them alone?? There is always a reason someone does something. I should know that by now. What was I thinking?

I sent this person a text over the weekend about thoughts I had about cutting myself and where. not your typically arms, legs etc. I'm afraid I totally freaked them out. I don't know where the thoughts came from and or why. They must think I'm some sort of sick person.

Today at work I was ok, but once I got home I went straight to my bed and laid down. got up after a couple of hours and ate somthing. Talked to my mom who told me I need ot make sure I don't sit in the hosue all day. If she only knew how hard that is to do at times. I have the next two days off and I dont' feel like doing anything. I going to call tomorrow to cancel my two dr's appts for the following week. I can't do this. I need to accept the fact that this is the life I was dealt and this is the way that it is going to be and I just need to learn to adjust and live with it. There is never going to be anyone but me! No one to understand, no one to hold me when I just want to be held and told it will be ok. I don't nothing but chase people away. I want things I can't have. It is like I need something or someone in my life to make me think my life is worth something? why does that sound so bad when I say it?

I don't know what I was thinking when I thought that I could do this and that I could be happy. When I was little and growing up and I perfectly fine with being by myself, but now that I'm older I can't stand it.

I'm done complaining and going back under my covers the only place that I feel I belong and where I'm safe.

Sorry for yet another long meaningless post

[idontknow13]

(((((scotlandskye)))))
Dont give up, please
I wish I had the words to comfort you but all I can tell you is that I care and you are not alone, you are a very important person.
Take good care of yourself

[scotlandskye]

thanks idon'tknow!! It is so hard to fight the feeling of giving up and I don't know that I have that much in me to fight it! I just did a stupid thing and text my friend and told them about it. I don't know why I did that because that is just going to make it worse. I know I won't get an answer and I guess I was/am hoping to get an answer. See I do nothing but make things worse for myself. I do it to myself so shouldn't I have to deal with it?? Does I deserve to continue when I bring it on myself? No I'm not worth helping or the effort to get help.

I hate myself right now for what I did and sending that text...now going to spend the rest of the night in the dark and blaming myself

[depressedalaskan]

((((((scotlandskye))))))
Don't give in to depression, you can beat it.

[idontknow13]

Again I want to say that I probably dont have the right words but I will try.
I do believe you texted because you need to connect with someone and that is very understandable given the way you feel right now, there is nothing wrong with that.
Dont be so hard on yourself and you definetely are worth the effort...
We are here for you, be good to yourself

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((scotlandskye))))

You are worth it and you are being heard. I understand how you feel and how it seems you are alone. But it can get better. It takes time and you have to keep trying. It is the depression lying to you and it tells us all sorts of lies. It is not easy telling someone how you feel. Opening up takes courage and is something that is hard to do. I know it seems like no one is listening or hearing you. But we are hearing you and we do care.

Reaching out IRL is hard because sometimes people do not know what to say. They do not undertand. But here you are understood, and what you say is not wrong. There are many here that understand and have been where you are. You are not alone. You reached out and you told us how you are feeling. That in and of itself took strength and courage.

I know how being under the covers is safe and feels like sometimes that is where we belong, but truth is you deserve to be heard. I am sorry your friend is not responding. But you cannot take it all on yourself. Maybe they do not know how to respond. So many times I want to give up, but in fighting you find a strength and if you keep fighting you will win.

I know it is not easy, but know you are not alone. If I could carry it for you I would. You are worth helping and the effort to get help. Please do not hate yourself. You deserve to be heard. Know that we are walking with you and listening. Keep posting and talking. I know it is not easy, but sometimes in talking here you can find a relief. We are here and we care.

dps

[scotlandskye]

Thanks everyone!! PC is truly a great place & glad I stumbled upon it! Right now I'm scared. I did something really stupid & hope I didn't take too much but even with being scared I did I want to take more! I'm not trying to end things just want to take away the pain & everything associated with it & that is the only way I know or to cut myself

[Amazonmom]

Hugs for you.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((((( scotlandskye )))))))))))))))))))

Please do not give up, I know it's hard but you need to keep fighting, you are worth it hun.
I am sending you some hugs

[Rohag]

Safety, rest, and sunshine to you, Scotlandskye!