[littleyellowspider]

This has really bothered me today.
I have worked with children for years, I love doing it and have often thought I would like to become a teacher or something like that. Every summer I help with a children's summer theatre, directing and teaching theatre for kids. This summer one girls mother told me that earlier that year her daughter (who is now 12 and has been participating in the theatre for several years) was asked to write an essay in school about her role model. She chose to write about me. I am a horrible role model! I am in recovery for Anorexia, I self injure, I hurt people and make constant bad decisions. No child should ever want to be like me. Of course this little girl doesn't know any of this but I feel like a failure. I feel like I shouldn't even be allowed to work with children because somehow I might poison them and make them act like me. I just feel like I'm letting them all down. I don't know. My mum says this shouldn't bother me because the fact that I am someone's role model should make me feel good. But it doesn't. It makes me feel horrible. Does this make any sense at all? Or do I just sound ridiculous? I also recently found out that a 13 year old girl I've worked with and know quite well has recently begun self injuring. I want to talk to her about it and tell her it's a bad idea but I'll feel like a hypocrite because I still do it
I just feel like a failure

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((( Littleyellowspider )))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry that you are feeling this way, sending you some hugs.

[ExiExi]

(((((((((littleyellowspider)))))))))))

You're not a failure, you are a great person! Children love you for who you actually are bc they don't hear lies from depression, they just feel your heart..
and I'm sure you have a huge one!!!

[Amazonmom]

If the girl was inspired by you, it means she saw the good things in you! The depression is lying to you and telling you that you are no good. Don't believe it...I know it's hard.

I see no problem with you talking to the 13 year old. You know the cutting is a bad thing, and you want to help her. You are in the hole and want to help her out....

[turquoisesea]

Hey there littleyellowspider.
You ARE a good role model. The kid chose to write about the good side they see in you. Just because there is also a bad side does not mean that the good part of you is any less meaningful. The good part of you, the part you show to these kids IS a good role model. And that's part of you.

So you do these horrible things. You're ashamed. I've done some horrible things too. Sometimes I feel like the slimiest of slime, or dirt deserving only to get swept under a rug and forgotten. But there are good parts of me too. So I guess what i'm saying is that I can relate but I want you to know that there IS a good part of you, and that part is a GREAT role model.

As for the 13 year old. I would say to talk to her.
Just because you do it too does NOT mean you have any less advice to give. In fact, the fact that you DO it means you truly know what it's like. It means you can UNDERSTAND the child and the problem. A curse I know. But it means you can HELP. You obviously care about the child. Reaching out a helping hand is not being a hypocrite.

Nothing you have said sounds ridiculous. I just want you to know, there's a very good part of you. Sometimes the "bad" is easier to see - marks from the SI, anorexia leaves a mark (btw gratz on getting to the recovery stage), and well... hurting people you can see it in their faces. But even in your posts I can see that you're a very caring and kind person. I guess I'm seeing part of that good side that maybe the kid looking for a role model sees. Try to accept the good side that is within you. Let me know how it goes

[scotlandskye]

(((((((((((littleyellowspider))))))))

Your not a failure!! The children love you because they see the side of you that you can't see. Depression steals away the ability for us to see the good in ourselves. Everyone around us can see it but us!

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ExiExi

Children love you for who you actually are bc they don't hear lies from depression, they just feel your heart..

Originally Posted by Amazonmom

If the girl was inspired by you, it means she saw the good things in you!

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

I guess I'm seeing part of that good side that maybe the kid looking for a role model sees. Try to accept the good side that is within you.

Originally Posted by scotlandskye

The children love you because they see the side of you that you can't see. Depression steals away the ability for us to see the good in ourselves.

Truth. Who's to say, that child may have the keenest insight of all.

[Berries]

(((((((((((=littleyellowspider)))))))))))))

I so agree with what everyone else has said.

Try and not listen to the "depression liar". I know(from experience) it's so hard not to. Try to celebrate the fact that you have goodness in you and around you.

[stefano]

It's OK, don't worry.
Simply, our mind is not ONE. People think so, even 100 years after it was demonstrated that it is actually split into facets. Many persons can exist within one mind. Obviously, the most positive and healthy parts of you are providing a good (or possibly GREAT!) role model for those kids. Other parts obviously still exist and make you do things wrong. But all the good that is in you is doing it's job. Let it work!