I wish it would stop

Annoyed my boss yesterday because I was late for work. It was my fault, and I should be on time, and I take full responsibility for that. But I got a lecture for it and it set me off hating myself all day -- completely overreacted to something I'm sure she's forgotten by now. I should be able to say "Okay, I was late, that wasn't good, but it's done now and I'll just make sure I'm on time from now on." Instead, all day I was fighting back tears and the depression telling me that I'm a terrible employee, that everyone at work hates me, that my boss thinks I'm lazy and bad at my job, that I'm probably going to get fired, that I'm not going to have enough money for school this year, that my parents are going to kill me when I lose my job ... I completely blew it out of proportion but I couldn't help it.

Today, my parents and two of my siblings came to see me at work, and we went out for lunch. Then my mom and my sister decided to hang around in the village where I work until I was off, then get a ride home with me. My mom decided she wanted to drive, which annoyed me because my mom is a slow driver, I LIKE to drive and being a passenger on long-ish trips makes me antsy, and because right now the only time I really get for me every day is my half-hour drive to/from work. I was snippier than I meant to be with her but lately if something annoys me even slightly it will lead to a full-on explosion (I think my meds need adjusting, so I'm seeing the doctor next week) and unfortunately my family seems to bear the brunt of that most of the time. I feel guilty even though I apologize whenever I do that, but it's still causing tension in my house and it's my fault for causing even more stress in a household that really doesn't need any more.

Then tonight, I went out to see a friend for dinner (because my parents were in bad moods and other people's moods affect mine then eventually make the depression hit hard) then we went back to her place to watch a movie. I didn't get home until quite late. To be honest, I was not remotely paying attention to the time because I was enjoying myself. My cell phone's battery died. When I got in, my brother told me that my mom was really angry with me for being so late. Apparently she'd tried to call me but I didn't pick up, which, yes, probably did annoy her. I'm feeling annoyed with HER because we've had this argument before -- we have one vehicle per driver in my family so it's not like anyone was stranded, I pay for my own gas, I TOLD my parents I was going out and they had no problem with it, I stopped to pick up some coffee for her like she wanted on the way home (which is really a miracle because I forget so much lately), etc. On top of that, I pushed back my dinner so I could swing by my grandmother's and sit with her for a while, then gave over my one day off to take her to a doctor's appointment and grocery shopping. First of all, I am an adult, I was not drinking, I was not wandering around town in the middle of the night, it's unfortunate that my phone died but it's not the end of the world. Secondly, I am a good kid, I swear. I rarely drink and when I do it's very little. I never got into drugs. My friends are all responsible and people my parents like. I am a good student. I have a job and pay for my own entertainment, gas, clothes, books, etc. I take my grandparents to appointments and such so that my parents don't have to, and make a point of visiting them at least once a week. I often drive my mom to/from work if she's working a night shift so she doesn't have to drive exhausted. I babysit my siblings. I help out around the house. But every time we have these stupid arguments it feels like my mom forgets that it could be worse. I have no curfew and even if I did break it, it's not like I was out joyriding or stole the car or got in an accident. What I should be able to do is brush it off -- as I said, we've had this issue before and I'm resigned to the fact that my parents will never get over it -- but when the depression gets a hold on me like it has been doing the past few weeks, all I can think is that I'm a horrible daughter, that my parents hate me, that I've let everyone down, that I'm incredibly irresponsible and that I'm never going to be let out again.

I hate this. I want to think clearly. I want to stop hating myself. I want to stop hating my life. I want to stop overreacting to everything that comes my way.

Rebecca,

You are on your way to recovery just by acknowledging the thoughts as they are and posting about how you know the truth is something totally different. Every time you get one of these thoughts in your head you have to negate it with something positive. That's the only way to stop the negative thoughts, trust me I've been there. One way that really worked for me is I imagined a four way intersection in my mind with the thoughts just racing through causing chaos. I stood in the middle of the intersection and put my hand up and forced the thoughts to stop. Once they were stopped they could not continue without my permission, which of course i never gave. When they started racing again I did the same thing. Today I am pretty much free of these pestering thoughts. No longer do they roar like out of control lions in my mind.

I also wanted to say that you are inherantly a good person. You are responsible and loving. You care for others and sound genuine. Try to negate those bad thoughts with these facts. Like the lateness issue. Every time that bad thought comes in tell yourself I'm not a horrible employee I was late and that happens to everybody. I'll make an increased effort to be on time from now on. You'll be surprised by how much this changes things.

I wish you all the best,

Love and Hugs,
Tara

hey there, I know I"m late to this post but I want to say that you're a really good daughter...even thought you don't feel it. You're made to think you're slime sometimes by your mother especially... I feel like that too sometimes but from everything you're saying on here you're a great person and also a great daughter - hold onto that.