It is my home situation. I have posted lightly about my living arrangements. I live with someone, have since 2002 (shouldn't have) and I have TOTALLY come to the conclusion that he is a lot of my ailments, triggers, depression, hatred, resentment, dirty feeling,

I moved into my own room about 3 months ago.
I couldn't stand the fact that even his toes touching my was gross.

I've never been attracted to him for one, two he doesn't take care of himself (nose hair, stinky feet...ANY MEDICAL TREATMENTS - Has 100% insurance) not attrative things even if I was attracted to him.

When I did let him be intimate with me - of which he knows nothing but himself a quick 4 minutes (thank GOD) if I ask for a return he has actually gagged - And I am a very clean, attractive, woman who tends to myself very well. He can't even give a slight hug without protruding his pelivs.
It's like copping a feel. I've tried (believe me to tell him, get him books, everything) 2002-2009

So I allow him to make me feel like a prositute.

We don't go anywhere, yet when he calls durning the day he is always pleasant, says I Love You after EVERY call. It digusts me cuz when he comes home - It's sit in chair, ignore me if I try to talk, doesn't even bother to glance my way as if to have acknowledged me.

If we do go someone grocery shopping or run an errand - he walks without me, moves along the cart quickly so I can't put what I want in it, or shakes his head like I'm irritating. Sometimes he even gets in line and checks out. Oh, and parking while waiting for me, he won't drive up to meet me - he lets me walk through the parking lot.

So I've moved into my room after years of...
I told him directly "I'm not attracted to you, I've been telling you for years about taking care of yourself." He said that hurt him really bad, I said "I could move out and finally today after a combination of his normal behavior I told him "I don't like you at all anymore" - His reply "That's fine"

I have been abused in all ways - I thought now I don't like anything to do with it, but what I've discovered over the years is that he reminds me of a perp.

I make $1000.00 Social Security. I figure a studio apartment for $400.00 (hope) and rest for all essentials. I'm quite sure I could make it (I hope)

BUT the negatives: Paranoid - scarey, people know I'm living alone - AND I CANNOT OWN A GUN - Because it's not safe for ME...........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Well I emailed him this: (cuz can't talk just says fine) P.S. I KNOW I KNOW THIS IS VERY UGLY BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BECOME - OTHERWISE I HAVE TURNED TO NUMBING (BAD numbing - he takes advantage of me when I do)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"No MORE

****ING DONE

OVER IT

PASSED IT

I'M 'NOT' PLAYING
STAY TOTALLY AWAY FROM ME........
I'VE ASKED YOU, TOLD YOU
NOW IT IS FINISHED
AND IT'S YOUR FAULT

WE ARE THROUGH.

IF YOU CANNOT HAVE ME STAYING HERE - TELL ME BEFORE HAND.

I'M READY, JUST PEANUT AND I !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO REGRETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S IT ------------- DONE....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ****'N ME......................."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I HAVE REPEATEDLY TALKED TO HIM ABOUT ALL OF THIS-OVER & OVER & OVER & OVER & OVER & OVER - NOW I'VE BECOME A MONSTER (and I'm not a monster - I'm a good person, I let him bring out the ugly)

MY FRIENDS HERE:

Please don't judge me -
I truly have done

EVERYTHING, I SAID,
COULD & SHOULD HAVE

[keepinghopeful]

Oh Starlite, I'm so very sorry.

An abusive and neglectful relationship is a terrible thing to have to go through. I know from experience...I was married one time before my current marriage, at 18, and the man turned into a monster as soon as we got married.

It sounds like you're taking the right steps, and starting on a better path. No relationship should make you feel bad, and especially in the ways that you've described feeling. You deserve someone that loves you, truly loves you, and cares about you...everyone does.

Living alone may seem daunting, but imho, it is better than living in a bad situation with someone else.

I hope that things will get better for you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

[notz]

(((((Starlite))))))))

[Josie Sullivan]

Actually i know how this feels. I've just been through a fortnight of hell given by my so called friends, before enough was enough and i broke off all contact with them. There is only so much i can take. And i can totally understand the hurt you must be feeling which only makes the depression worse. Dont let them get to you. You CAN win !!

[xxWant2Escapexx]

Oh Startlite
I am soooo sorry you are having a rough time now.Since knowing you,you have really brought me many smiles on here....i feel bad that i do not have any magic words to say to you.Remember,we are all here for you and i honestly think that living on your own has to be so much better than putting yourself thru large,crazy amounts of abuse daily.Lots and lots of hugs to you my sweet friend......

[Sabrina]

Starlite, you sound so lonely. I am glad you are making positive steps to move forward. I am sorry you are going through this.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by keepinghopeful

Living alone may seem daunting, but imho, it is better than living in a bad situation with someone else.

Originally Posted by starlite*111

I'm not a monster - I'm a good person, I let him bring out the ugly

Go, therefore, and gain yourself, dear Starlite.

[Naturefreak]

Starlite , I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that this is happening to such a wonderful person . I hope there are better days ahead , you deserve only the best .

[daggy]

starlite is there anyone from Pc that lives even remotely close to you ?
I bet they would take you in -or have you asked some pf the es that deal with nice ladies that deal with this sort of thing what they think - as I can asure you you are not the first to have to go through something like this alone which you shouldnt have to/ we are each given a set of problems already we shouldnt have to put up with ignorance from others that ruin our lives - I am sure if we asked around we could find something better
luv hugz
daggy

[Sannah]

Keep us posted on how you are doing............

NOTICE

OH MY - I wrote something incorrectly when I said
"ABUSED in all forms" = That was of my childhood.

Someone mentioned "PHYSICAL" I needed to correct that immediatley......
***I'm sorry if miss interputated!!!!!!!***

Everything else listed is what is going on in my life ----

[googley]

(((((Starlite)))))
I'm so sorry you are in such a tough situation. It does sound best that you leave such a toxic environment. You are not an awful person. You care so much for people around here. You make me smile. Are there any social services that you could take advantage of in your area? They could help you plan on how to move out in the best way possible. Keep us updated on what is going on. We care about you.

[Lost71]

((((starlite)))) ...Sorry to hear you're going through this. All I can say is...much hugs and wishes for a quick resolution to the sitution for you, hun.

[Rapunzel]

((((((((( Starlite ))))))))))

It gets better from here. You don't have to stay with him, and you are setting limits and doing what you need to do for yourself.

You can do this! Keep on posting. Let us know what you find for possibilities - apartment, etc. You deserve better.

I found an article about Tiny Houses the other day - this guy has made a coffee table book on them. They are cute and charming, and I found it inspirational. Maybe looking at them, whether or not it's an option for you, can give you some hope and inspiration:

http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/



You'll find more if you google "Tiny Houses." They are not so bad if you look at how the space can be used, and also less expensive if you build it yourself.

[Dwayne61]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Star.

[ADHD1956]

My Thoughts are With YOU StarLite!!! Bless YOU Dear Friend!!!

[Fuzzybear]

Keep us posted dear Starlite

[depressedalaskan]

Originally Posted by starlite*111

It is my home situation. I have posted lightly about my living arrangements. I live with someone, have since 2002 (shouldn't have) and I have TOTALLY come to the conclusion that he is a lot of my ailments, triggers, depression, hatred, resentment, dirty feeling,

I moved into my own room about 3 months ago.
I couldn't stand the fact that even his toes touching my was gross.

I've never been attracted to him for one, two he doesn't take care of himself (nose hair, stinky feet...ANY MEDICAL TREATMENTS - Has 100% insurance) not attrative things even if I was attracted to him.

When I did let him be intimate with me - of which he knows nothing but himself a quick 4 minutes (thank GOD) if I ask for a return he has actually gagged - And I am a very clean, attractive, woman who tends to myself very well. He can't even give a slight hug without protruding his pelivs.
It's like copping a feel. I've tried (believe me to tell him, get him books, everything) 2002-2009

So I allow him to make me feel like a prositute.

We don't go anywhere, yet when he calls durning the day he is always pleasant, says I Love You after EVERY call. It digusts me cuz when he comes home - It's sit in chair, ignore me if I try to talk, doesn't even bother to glance my way as if to have acknowledged me.

If we do go someone grocery shopping or run an errand - he walks without me, moves along the cart quickly so I can't put what I want in it, or shakes his head like I'm irritating. Sometimes he even gets in line and checks out. Oh, and parking while waiting for me, he won't drive up to meet me - he lets me walk through the parking lot.

So I've moved into my room after years of...
I told him directly "I'm not attracted to you, I've been telling you for years about taking care of yourself." He said that hurt him really bad, I said "I could move out and finally today after a combination of his normal behavior I told him "I don't like you at all anymore" - His reply "That's fine"

I have been abused in all ways - I thought now I don't like anything to do with it, but what I've discovered over the years is that he reminds me of a perp.

I make $1000.00 Social Security. I figure a studio apartment for $400.00 (hope) and rest for all essentials. I'm quite sure I could make it (I hope)

BUT the negatives: Paranoid - scarey, people know I'm living alone - AND I CANNOT OWN A GUN - Because it's not safe for ME...........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Well I emailed him this: (cuz can't talk just says fine) P.S. I KNOW I KNOW THIS IS VERY UGLY BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BECOME - OTHERWISE I HAVE TURNED TO NUMBING (BAD numbing - he takes advantage of me when I do)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"No MORE

****ING DONE

OVER IT

PASSED IT

I'M 'NOT' PLAYING
STAY TOTALLY AWAY FROM ME........
I'VE ASKED YOU, TOLD YOU
NOW IT IS FINISHED
AND IT'S YOUR FAULT

WE ARE THROUGH.

IF YOU CANNOT HAVE ME STAYING HERE - TELL ME BEFORE HAND.

I'M READY, JUST PEANUT AND I !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO REGRETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S IT ------------- DONE....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ****'N ME......................."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I HAVE REPEATEDLY TALKED TO HIM ABOUT ALL OF THIS-OVER & OVER & OVER & OVER & OVER & OVER - NOW I'VE BECOME A MONSTER (and I'm not a monster - I'm a good person, I let him bring out the ugly)

MY FRIENDS HERE:

Please don't judge me -
I truly have done

EVERYTHING, I SAID,
COULD & SHOULD HAVE

((((starlite*111)))) Very sorry you are living through this.

I am not an abusive person at all, in any way. But I have suffered with depression all of my life. I don't like to say it but my looks do not bother me because I don't care how I look. My feet also stink, which I do everything I can to control, sprays, powder, Lysol, nothing seems to work. If it was not for my girl friend telling me to brush my teeth I know I wouldn't do it any more. Many times when I come home I am not in the mood for contact with others even sex sometimes is not all that great because of my medications and depression. I love other people very much I just don't love myself.

But I am a very polite, courteous, caring, loving person that always thinks of others way before myself. I would never leave you behind in the store or not help you into a car or not open a door for you etc.

But what you have written here sounds to me like depression is living inside your friend also. Not sure but if you printed out this post and showed it to your doctor/ therapist, if you have one, they might agree. Just a thought, I am sorry you are living through this, but I do understand what you have describe to us about your friend.

I know all you want to do is run and get away, but maybe this friend needs you more than you or he knows. Just a thought.
Hugs for your day..

Originally Posted by depressedalaskan

((((starlite*111)))) Very sorry you are living through this.

I am not an abusive person at all, in any way. But I have suffered with depression all of my life. I don't like to say it but my looks do not bother me because I don't care how I look. My feet also stink, which I do everything I can to control, sprays, powder, Lysol, nothing seems to work. If it was not for my girl friend telling me to brush my teeth I know I wouldn't do it any more. Many times when I come home I am not in the mood for contact with others even sex sometimes is not all that great because of my medications and depression. I love other people very much I just don't love myself.

But I am a very polite, courteous, caring, loving person that always thinks of others way before myself. I would never leave you behind in the store or not help you into a car or not open a door for you etc.

But what you have written here sounds to me like depression is living inside your friend also. Not sure but if you printed out this post and showed it to your doctor/ therapist, if you have one, they might agree. Just a thought, I am sorry you are living through this, but I do understand what you have describe to us about your friend.

I know all you want to do is run and get away, but maybe this friend needs you more than you or he knows. Just a thought.
Hugs for your day..

You are perfectly correct - he does have a lot of issues - BUT he choses NOT to deal with them.... Though he doesn't care about himself, if he continues to want certain things he must adjust or be alone...
Yes his issues are major - BUT THEY ARE HIS ISSUES!!!!!!!

We're all grown - That's why no matter all the things I've been through - I HAVE CHOSEN to TRY and heal - And if I don't tend to myself NO ONE WILL - AND NO ONE would want to be by me.

As for you and your choices I wish you well.
Thank you for the reply

UPDATE: due to his financial situation I have chosen to stay on conditions I have chosen for the present to remain on terms that will not distress me.

If we cannot cordially live as room-mates only then I will have no other choice to move....

I've struggled all my life....

I am very depressed and his issues, not dealing with them, affects me

There is no possible way people can stay in the same house with frition, grudges, rudiness AND think the other person would continue to stay!

If my requests: to be left alone and only be a room mate, and am no longer in this state of depression - IF any of .... due to situation will I continue to live here

I WILL THEN MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!

As it is I have been spending time with myself for years: eating out, going to book stores, stopping by 1 friends house..........
If he ever does go with me he ruins it!

SO I AM ALONE ANYWAY but in a ugly aura of a depression blah blah blah

WE'RE SUPPOSE TO LIVE IN A PLACE THAT FEELS LIKE OUR SAFE PLACE.

So I believe I have thought this all through, come up with a logical game plan for the benefit of my mental status.

Thank all of you for your support, responses and suggestions. All of which will be kept in mind if needed!

[depressedalaskan]

Originally Posted by starlite*111

You are perfectly correct - he does have a lot of issues - BUT he choses NOT to deal with them.... Though he doesn't care about himself, if he continues to want certain things he must adjust or be alone...
Yes he's issues are major - BUT THEY ARE HIS ISSUES!!!!!!!

We're all grown - That's why no matter all the things I've been through - I HAVE CHOSEN to TRY and heal - And if I don't tend to myself NO ONE WILL - AND NO ONE would want to be by.

As for you and your choices I wish you well.
Thank you for the reply

I understand what you are saying by choices. You are 100% right. I was just sharing with you how bad depression has a hold on me. It is so very hard to live this way, I don't like it at all, but it is a fact. I myself would just as well like it if I no longer was here to live this kind of life of mine. Is it me - maybe? But I have had depression for a long time and I have only been this down for about 2 years and the last 9 months have been very very bad. I wish I knew why. Sorry for going on like this, I know this is my problem and noone elses. Hugs for your day.

[depressedalaskan]

Originally Posted by starlite*111

UPDATE: due to his financial situation I have chosen to stay on conditions I have chosen for the present to remain on terms that will not distress me.

If we cannot cordially live as room-mates only then I will have no other choice to move....

I've struggled all my life....

I am very depressed and his issues, not dealing with them affects me
There no possible way people can stay in the same home, cuz fruction, ugliness, grumpy and expect the other person to stay.....

If my requests to be left alone and only be a room mate, nor continue to be depressed -
I WILL THEN MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!

As it is I already spend time by myself: eating out, going to book stores, stopping by 1 friends house..........
SO I AM ALONE ANYWAY but in a ugly aura of a home

WE'RE SUPPOSE TO LIVE IN A PLACE THAT FEELS LIKE OUR SAFE PLACE.

So I believe I have thought this all through, come up with a logical game plan for the benefit of my mental status.

Thank all of you for your support, responses and suggestions. All of which will be kept in mind if needed!

Yes, take care of you first.... and I do agree with you. If a move is what you need then you have to do it. All I was trying to say is that I know how it feels to live like noone cares in the real world. I wish that your friend would seek out some help. Hugs for your day.

[Naturefreak]

Just wanted to let you know Starlite that I have stinky feet sometimes also . But I try to shower once a day and cut my nose hairs. I hope you still luv me . I luv you
Do what you have to do .......... it's your life . I'm with you on that .
Sorry about the stinky feet Alaskan I know the feeling.
My dogs don't seem to mind it though .

Originally Posted by Babysteps09

Just wanted to let you know Starlite that I have stinky feet sometimes also . But I try to shower once a day and cut my nose hairs. I hope you still luv me . I luv you
Do what you have to do .......... it's your life . I'm with you on that .
Sorry about the stinky feet Alaskan I know the feeling.
My dogs don't seem to mind it though .

WE ALL HAVE areas of our hygenie if not attended to will become a problem.
But if there is a solution that I believe it should be taken.

HEY I AM FAR FAR FAR from being all that, perfect what ever - BUT I TRY.

I don't walk around with hair growing under my arms and on my legs, I used deoderant, I brush my hair and make it look half decent, I wash my shoes, I put powder in them.............

If there is a solution there is NO reason not to use it!!!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by depressedalaskan

I understand what you are saying by choices. You are 100% right. I was just sharing with you how bad depression has a hold on me. It is so very hard to live this way, I don't like it at all, but it is a fact. I myself would just as well like it if I no longer was here to live this kind of life of mine. Is it me - maybe? But I have had depression for a long time and I have only been this down for about 2 years and the last 9 months have been very very bad. I wish I knew why. Sorry for going on like this, I know this is my problem and noone elses. Hugs for your day.

Hey I don't mind your going on about yourself - That's what this place is all about - suggestions.

I as well WISH, ask God - Why I have to live with ALL my personal mental conditions and why I went through childhood and life what ugly hand I was dealt..... GOD isn't it time for me to go!