[justfloating]

When I first started university, I started a blog. Not the one that I have in my signature -- that one I started last year, and it's just about my depression -- but a different one to let people back home know how I was doing. At first, I liked writing in it. I put in all the things I was doing, I talked about my classes, just sort of chattered away the way I talk to my friends and family at home. But I found it increasingly difficult to keep up that happy chatter, and as the depression took hold of me and I started isolating myself more and more, I ran out of things to say. Eventually, I stopped writing in it altogether, because the thought of pretending to be happy made me feel physically sick, mostly because it reminded me that I wasn't happy and that I was a complete failure and to pretend otherwise was to be a liar. I still lie a lot, mostly because I don't tell everyone about my depression, and I probably never will. Instead of "I'm doing great" like I used to when I was depressed, I now say "I've been doing fine" or "I'm loving my life." I'm not loving my life because my life only began again over the summer, when I finally got past the worst of my depression. Getting past depression doesn't mean that your problems suddenly disappear. Getting past depression just means that those problems aren't your undoing. That's how it is for me, anyway. My best friend, who knows everything about the depression and how bad it was, says that it's scary how convincing I am whenever people ask how things have been for me and I say great. It scares me too, and while I know it's nobody's business what's happened to me, it still makes me feel horrible to lie. It makes me feel like a failure to say I've been happy when I haven't. Logically, I know I'm not a failure, that I couldn't help getting depressed, but I still wish I'd been stronger somehow. That I didn't have to lie so much. That I wasn't different from everyone else.

Now ... now I'm lost. I don't think I'm depressed. I'm keeping an eye out for the symptoms, now that I know what to look for. But when you've been living your life in the dark and step out into the sunlight for the first time, you're going to be blinded for a while. I have no idea how to live anymore. I spent so long being what I termed a "breathing corpse" that I can't remember how to go about the business of LIVING. And it terrifies me, because if I don't figure it out, if I keep living my life the way I did when I was depressed, it's only a matter of time before the depression comes back too.

I'm not happy. I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy either. I'm just ... in unfamiliar terrain. I have no idea what to do next. I have no idea how to pick up where I left off. I've lost all sense of myself, and I feel like I'm trying to get my bearings in a brand new place even though I've been living here for the past two years. I'm so far behind. I have no idea how to catch up to everyone else who's been alive the past two years, not half-dead like me. I'm not even sure that I can, and if I don't ... I'm not sure I want to think about what that means for me, either.

[Naturefreak]

(((Justfloating)))
I don't know what to say . Life is definitely a struggle at times.
Depression just multiplies it even more.
I hope you find some happiness soon my friend .
Take care of yourself .

[gimmeice]

((((((( justfloating ))))))))))

I also put on a happy face for the benefit of others and I know it is hard to deal with, I am sorry that you are going through this.
As for how do you start living again, can you get involved in social clubs in your area? Or maybe volunteer somewhere? Sometimes just getting out there and doing is the best way to do it.
Sending you lots of hugs.

[billieJ]

Dear Rebecca,Depression has taken most everything from me. I'm not even back out in the sunshine again. Not even close. But that doesn't mean I can't answer you. I lie too. My favorite, especially with Dad, is "I can't complain." It's the truth, since, as a depressive, I blame myself for everything and therefore can't complain about the world. So maybe I don't lie! People never notice the difference between great and I can't complain. Out in the sunshine with normals, and what to do. Needless to say, I'm hardly one to talk on the subject, but I have found that, when I'm in the situation, I just say, "Hi, how are you?" and then if they're going to be around for awhile, I think of things to ask them. Or look for something to compliment them on. [so long as it's honest] Most people like to think that others like their hair style and like to talk about what they are doing at the post office or how many children they have. They will think you are an excellent conversationalist, and you will make friends without really having to talk. May your improvement continue, and may you have mostly sunny days. ~ billieJ

I'm sorry - I admit I did not read all of your post -
But I will say regarding the title of your POST

is "WHAT DEPRESSION STOLE FROM ME"

my answer and personal experience : YOU LIFE

THERE is ALWAYS a BUT....

Depression to me is a zombie state of mind and body.

It is so difficult, but you already KNOW it.

One MOMENT at a time is all I can suggest....
One MOMENT at a time is all I can DO...
I just wanted to share this with you

Please contact me anytime you like.........always here, always want to do the best I can, and with the most caring suggestions - Or just be an EAR

[turquoisesea]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((justfloating))))))))))))))))))))))))))0

do as much as you can, try not to put too much pressure on yourself though. Even IF you go back, you can always come back into the sun esp now thta tyou know it's there.

[VickiesPath]

((((((((((((((( just floating ))))))))))))))

I am 56 years old. I've had depressions since I can remember. That's because I'm bipolar and wasn't diagnosed as "officially" mentally ill until I was 32 years old and then it was a misdiagnosis but it was major depression. Finally, five years ago, I was diagnosed correctly. I've spent a good portion of my life in various stages of depression, much more than mania. I realized I've had it all my life. So I truly identify with you.

From reading your post, I really understand your feelings. Another thing I understand is that you are expecting a lot from yourself. Be more gentle! You've dealt with a big change. I'm sure you feel lost. Having found the sunlight after the dark is magnificent! Slow it down. Try to not worry so much about regaining what you lost. Try to focus on the present. It is so much better than what you've been living with. There is no way you are going to recover EVERYTHING. So don't put that pressure on yourself. Enjoy every day. Bask in that sunlight.

I am truly happy for you. I know what it's like.

[u2nance]

Depression has absolutely stolen my identity. I do put on a calm face in public, even laugh and joke. But that's not me! The scary thing is I act like someone I do not know! And, I'm not particularly found of that person! I often feel like such a waste of time. I've lost my creativity which hurts the most!My issues stem from a TBI so I now do things foreign to me---and I can't do some of the simplest things which leaves me embarrassed when put on the spot. Many days it's easier to just stay at home with myself rather than deal with a day of humiliation.

I hate depression. But I have learned that I will have to live with it. Thank God for a few (very few) really good people who love me just as I am.