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#1
Sep 28, 2009, 02:22 PM
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I can't continue to feel this way. I just can't handle how crappy I am feeling. I have all different types of feelings, thoughts, and emotions going through me right now. It seems like nobody understands how bad I feel. I really hope this isn't the beginning of postpartum depression. I don't seem to want to get up to eat, all I can think about is sleeping because then I don't have to feel any of the emotions that are overwhelming me right now. My (adopted) mom seems to be wanting to help me, but it just isn't helping. I don't think that she realizies that this is serious and I need help. I am being transfered back to E.C.M.C tomorrow morning. I can't believe that I had the baby already. None of this feels real yet. I need these distressing feelings to go away soon before I end up exploding. I know that doing the open adoption is the right choice, but it feels so horrible knowing that I can't raise my own daughter. What good am I? What purpose do I serve on this earth? I miss her so much. I really wish that I could forget about her and just move on with my life. I love her and that is why I made the decision to do the open adoption in the first place. What I don't seem to understand is that everyone I know has told me that you can't love anyone else untill you love yourself, but I do love her. I am so freaking confused. I wish that someone could just knock me out of this misery now. My anxiety is so out of control that I have to be taking Klonopin every 4 hours so that I can stay in control, because I can so just fly of the handle right now and not even care. I am going to explode soon. I need to be my normal moody self not aggiatated. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I am ready to scream. I am hanging on the edge by a thread and I don't know how much longer I can hang on before I fall.
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 lynn09
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#2
Sep 28, 2009, 02:47 PM
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sorry, i don't have any words of wisdom right now, just sending you
__________________
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead I lift my lids and all is born again I think I made you up inside my head |
| lynn09
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#3
Sep 28, 2009, 04:43 PM
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I hope you will seek professional counseling as soon as possible. If you have any doubts about what you are doing, do not do anything until you are sure. This is YOUR child and a very big decision. You need to be clear with YOURSELF that you doing the best thing for your child and yourself. You both count. Only you know deep in your insides what the right thing for you is. Only you know how much you can deal with with, how well you can or can not take care of your child. Don't let others rush your decision. Take your time. Take care of yourself and do what you think is best for yourself and your child.
__________________
 I'd rather have a visit, note or pretty picture than an "I'll say a prayer" or a "god bless you." Doesn't make me feel better, no meaning to me for sure. Can't stop you from praying and blessing me, and if that makes you feel better feel free.  But keep it to yourself please, don't tell me. And let's all respect each other's feelings. With kindness, support and "sweet dreamings." 
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| lynn09
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#4
Sep 28, 2009, 05:09 PM
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 (((((tmac87))))) - You did the right thing for your daughter - she is with a good family, she is safe, she is being cared for properly - you acted in her best interest. Now is NOT the time to be having a philosophical debate with others or yourself about whether or not you love your daughter or yourself, or what purpose you serve on this earth. Your depression is NOT going to allow you to think clearly about anything. The only thing that matters right now is getting your depression under control. Make certain that you tell the nurses and doctors precisely how you are feeling. Personally, I am hypersensitive to many meds - those that are supposed to calm me down (like Klonopin) make me manic and agitated instead - put me on the ceiling - make me want to scream and pace and peel the paint off the walls - even some anesthetics keep me awake rather than putting me to sleep - other meds that are supposed to elevate my mood put me right in the basement of depression. If you have had adverse reactions or suffered unusual side effects from any medications in the past, make certain that the doctors and nurses know about it so they can modify your meds and dosages appropriately - make them listen to you. Please keep posting and let us know what's being done to help you.
__________________
"I walked a mile with Pleasure; she chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser for all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow and ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me!" (Robert Browning Hamilton; "Along The Road")
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