[lynn09]

I am posting this with a "trigger" icon because I know that my sometimes clinical and direct way of expressing my thoughts and feelings could potentially upset some of the more fragile among us. Although I know that my logic can make me appear to some to be cold and insensitive at times, I want you all to know that it breaks my heart that so many of you are haunted by memories of personal traumas and the loss of loved ones being triggered by the holidays, and that I truly and wholeheartedly "feel your pain."

I used to feel the very same way as many of you about holidays - they were agonizing for me. Not wanting to take responsibility for their own lives and actions, I was the "accident" that my parents blamed for destroying their marriage and lives by being conceived and born; therefore, I was the designated family outcast and scapegoat deserving only of being "punished" for having the audacity to exist. Every day was a nightmare - my parents screaming at each other from the moment my father arrived home from work in the evening and, all too often, on through the night until he left for work the next morning - a full or peaceful night's sleep was rare. I always tried my best to be as quiet and invisible as possible since being noticed by any one of my parents or siblings was never a good thing - just another opportunity for them to attack me verbally and physically. But, the holidays were a thousand times worse - more "together" time for my parents to rip each other apart, and for them and my siblings to vent on me their rage stemming from their frustrations and disappointments with their own lives.

Of course, the house was always decorated beautifully for each particular holiday - after all, how others perceive them is and always has been paramount to my "relatives." On the holidays, we were always awakened first thing in the morning by the sounds of my mother stomping through the house, slamming doors, slamming kitchen cabinet doors and drawers, throwing things around, deliberately banging pots and pans together and slamming them down on the counter and stove tops as hard and loud as possible, all the while she was swearing like a sailor and shouting accusations, insults, and/or orders at everyone, especially me, the "slave girl." One could barely hear the lovely holiday mood music she always had playing in the background. Of course, we all sang and performed in the church and school choirs' holiday concerts - my parents and siblings donning their false public personas and pretending to be such perfectly wonderfully "normal" people and pillars of the Christian community, and hating me for refusing to play along. ACK!! GAG!! I HATED my life and, most of all, I HATED the holidays! Even after I managed to escape that "Bedlam" and distance myself from my "relatives," I was haunted and tormented by the memories of every horrible, traumatic, and violent scenario that I had experienced during every holiday throughout my entire life - there was NO peace on earth or good will towards anyone, especially me. My "relatives" made everything so ugly and perverse - everything a lie - they contaminated and polluted it all (and they still do).

One Christmas Eve when I was in my late-30s, I was sitting on my couch practically catatonic and barely able to even breathe - crushed, paralyzed, and re-traumatized by my usual holiday depression and flashbacks. I could envision the procession of nightmare holidays stretching before me far into my future and it was just too much. I was fed up. I was tired of the suffering, tired of knowing what could and should be yet being deprived of experiencing the gayety and joy of holiday festivities and pretty much everything else in life, and tired of allowing my "relatives" to continue to abuse and punish me, and ruin the holidays for me even though I wasn't even around them anymore! The absurdity of it all hit me like a bolt of lightning and I decided that enough was more than enough - I was fed up with MY holidays being all about THEM! That's when I decided that whether I felt like it or not, I was going to do whatever it took to reclaim MY holidays and MY joy that those monsters had stolen from me my entire life.

It is a monumental over-simplification to say that I just decided to create my own traditions and new memories to replace the bad - there's so much more to it than that. It's about taking away my abusers' power and control over my life, and refusing to be defined and victimized by them any longer. It's about creating positive experiences from scratch without a pattern or instructions. It's about stopping that never-ending debate in my head regarding whether or not I "deserve" to enjoy the holidays or anything else in life or even to be alive. It's about claiming ownership of every facet of my life; about creating a "me" who had never existed before, whose identity is defined and value is determined by no one other than me. It's about freedom, autonomy, and dignity.

I got off the couch and ventured out into that freezing, snowy Christmas Eve night just before the corner drugstore and grocery closed. I bought a little fake tree (allergic to the real ones for which my "relatives" hated me), a red felt tree skirt, some little colored twinkle lights, stick-on bows, wrapping paper, and one special ornament. Then I ran next door to the grocery store and got some cinnamon rolls, a little smoked ham, green beans, cranberry sauce, dinner rolls, a ready-made pumpkin pie, and some whipped-cream, plus some chews, snacks, and squeaky toys for my dog, Mr. Jack. Since it was almost closing time on Christmas Eve, everything was on sale, and I only paid about $40 for it all which was a "gift" in itself! I slipped and slid in the ice and snow back to my apartment, put on my PJs, and made some hot chocolate. Then, I assembled and unfolded the little 3-foot tree and decorated it with the lights, bows, and the special ornament, then wrapped up the dog toys and snacks stuffing a few in a Christmas stocking and putting the rest under the tree. I played the piano and sang Christmas carols to Mr. Jack while he sat on the bench beside me, then we crawled into bed, watched "A Christmas Carol," and finally went to sleep.

Christmas morning, I got up early, made coffee, and warmed a cinnamon roll which, of course, I shared with Mr. Jack. Then I gave him his presents one by one and watched as he had so much fun pulling them out of the stocking and out from under the tree, ripping off the paper and bows, and tearing all through the apartment squeaking up a storm. When there were no more presents to unwrap, then he just shredded all of the Christmas wrapping paper into tiny little pieces and scattered them all over the living room floor - he was the epitome of Pure Joy. We watched the parades and more movies, played with his toys, and later we had our humble little Christmas dinner, and Mr. Jack had his very own special plate. Afterwards, I turned off the lights and the cute little "Fuller Brush" tree just glowed and twinkled with all the tiny little colored lights, colored bows, and one ornament, the fragrance of the bayberry and cinnamon candles filled the whole apartment, and Mr. Jack and I snuggled up together on the couch soaking it all in - and there was unspeakable Peace and Joy. That was MY very first real Christmas ever, and it was wonderful. That's when I began MY tradition of celebrating all of the holidays, and buying one really special ornament to commemorate Christmas each year.

I have lived alone most of my life - not very good at marriage, or rather not very good at selecting appropriate partners, my only successful long-term relationships being with my pets. I have no children because my reproductive organs never fully developed and I was never able to conceive. I finally quit marrying inappropriate people, and eventually retired from dating them, as well. Mr. Jack passed years ago at 14 ½ years, and Macbeth (my Scotty) passed this past January at 15 ½ years. Now, it’s just me and my kitty, Poe. I know that's not a lifestyle most people would opt for, but it suits me - at least there’s no one living with me to give me grief, and I have found that being with the wrong partner or group of people is ever so much more lonely than being alone. I have always welcomed anyone to join me for the holidays provided that they behave and enjoy themselves, and don't mess it up for me - no drama and/or abuse permitted - and those who violate the rules are out the door. I guard my holidays fiercely, now - they are MINE and I will not let anyone or anything spoil or rob me of them ever again.

I don't care how commercial the retailers and others make the holidays - I don't have to allow myself to get caught up in that commercialism or the insincerity of obligatory gift giving - others do not control or dictate MY feelings - others do not define MY holidays for me, or any other day, for that matter. By all means, put out the ghosts, goblins, jack-0-lanterns, and treats, the turkeys, cornucopias, and pretty leaves, the red, green, blue, purple, and gold decorations and lights, the colored eggs, baskets, and chocolate bunnies, the flags and fireworks - let’s ring the bells, make a feast, and hear some music - I love it all! Why should I punish and deprive myself of enjoying such things and creating positive experiences for myself and others just because someone else chooses to define and observe a day differently, or just because some want me to be as miserable as they insist upon being? My "relatives" don't feel the least bit guilty about abusing me my entire life, so why should I feel guilty about choosing not to participate in their soul-sucking fakery, chaos, and drama? There is absolutely nothing that I can do to help my "relatives" - believe me, I have tried and have sustained even more injury, pain, and damage for my efforts. I cannot save them from themselves, and I'm not willing to be their sacrificial scapegoat for their entertainment or target for venting their spleens just so they can feel better about their tragic lives and selves.

If I believe that the holidays are "supposed to be about" this, not that, then it is up to me to make them about this, not that, for myself despite what others do or think or believe, and despite what others did or what occurred in the past. This holds true for every moment and day of the year, as well. I do not need anyone's permission or cooperation to take ownership of my life, and neither do any of you. It does not matter how miserable my "relatives" (or yours) or others insist on being, that's their choice - I can choose only for myself. Further, I no longer allow the debate in my head to even take place about whether or not I "deserve" to be happy or have anything good in life because anything good in this life is a GIFT - this life itself is a gift since I did not bring my physical being into existence, so the question is moot - irrelevant. It has taken time, determination, and constant reinforcement - every time that internal debate starts up, I tell it, "NO - we are NOT having this discussion. Period!" I need no justification for accepting and appreciating a gift. Gifts are NOT rewards; therefore, there is nothing that any one of us can do to EARN or DESERVE a gift.

I have learned that I must respect and honor this life - this gift - by embracing whatever Joy I may find in it. I will reclaim all that my "relatives" and others have taken from me because I am no longer a defenseless child, and I can and will protect and fight for what is MINE. I will not allow my abusers, illness, depression, PTSD, chronic pain, sleep disorder, immune-system disorder, poverty, disability, or anything else to rob me of my JOY without a fight. No one and no thing other than ME is endowed with the authority or the power to define MY identity, MY life, or MY holidays, or to determine MY destiny.

One unexpected result of deciding to celebrate holidays and embrace my joy come hell or high water whether I feel like it or not and even if it kills me is that the holidays now serve to remind me to hope, to contemplate and visualize what can be, to elevate my spirit and remind me of that higher plane of existence that I am fighting, striving, and struggling every single day of my life to reach that lies beyond depression, beyond PTSD, beyond chronic pain, beyond loss, and beyond infirmity, trauma, or disaster. The holidays also serve to commemorate every moment I have managed to survive it all, and every single inch of progress I have made in my efforts to reach that higher plane and that fuller life.

Every single negative feeling triggered within us by the holidays or anything else is a gangrenous wound that must be appropriately treated and allowed to heal in order for us to be fully whole; otherwise, the entire body (and mind) is poisoned by it - this requires more than a few band-aids. It requires that we create not just different memories, rituals, and traditions, but complete experiences that are fully saturated and permeated with positive meaning, purpose, atmosphere, thoughts, and feelings; and we each must do this for ourselves because, although others may support us and participate in our efforts, no one else can do this work for us.

I do know personally how difficult it is to be positive while in the depths of depression - I do know personally how some diseases, conditions, injuries, and even medications can rob us of our ability to physically function and think clearly at all, much less to positively direct our thoughts. However, I also know from very long and intense personal experience that as the balance of our positive-versus-negative thought patterns and habits shifts to the positive side, depression's grip and intensity is weakened because we give it less and less ammunition to use against us.

Depression and other MI's will utilize every single molecule of negativity within us to hold us down and shove our faces into the dirt. The more negativity, the more power depression and the rest wield over us. I know all too well how difficult it is to battle the negative messages and develop more positive thought patterns - and I also know that brain chemistry is altered by both positive and negative thought patterns and habits enhancing or hampering its ability to function, respectively. It’s like lifting a heavy weight - you don't necessarily have the strength to lift it at first, but you gain the strength to lift it by repeatedly trying to lift it - you gain the strength and/or the ability to do something by doing it again and again. I'm not suggesting that this is a "self-cure" for depression or any other mental or medical illness, injury, impairment, or malfunction, but I do know that we can improve the environments for our brains and minds because this is precisely what psychotherapy does in tandem with appropriate medication support, if necessary. Every time we see our friends and loved ones, Ts and pdocs, interact on PC with others in the forums and chats, read various reference materials, articles, and blogs, etc., we learn - we grow - we change, alter, improve the environment for and functionality of our brains and minds.

I don't know about "happiness" - I'm not certain that it is something that anyone ever fully possesses or is possessed by. You can be happy about something, but I don't think that happiness is truly a maintainable state of being - rather more of a situational emotional response. Happiness just seems too momentary - too ethereal, flighty, and fleeting a thing. But, joy is a different matter altogether. I know that even in my deepest, darkest depressions, especially those I have experienced concurrent with my worst surgeries, illnesses, and allergic reactions (lungs packed and unable to breathe, hives inside and out, veins and skin tearing from the sutures, IV's, and tubes, etc.) when there was absolutely nothing for me to be happy about, I have still been able to experience joy - that lifting and quickening deep within when your pet greets you at the door with unbounded exuberance; when you see the squirrels chasing each other through the trees; when you hear a piece of music that you love; when your friends and other loved ones stop by to visit, or call, or write to you; when you look up and see the sky colored that most incredible shade of azure blue that happens only once in a while; when you witness a spectacular electrical storm, or a brilliant sunset of fiery reddish-orange and sparkling gold in the west fading to vivid pinks, to lavender, to purple, then finally reaching the deep indigo-blue night in the east - those times when you are caught up in the moment, completely possessed by and living in the experience almost unaware of yourself or circumstances, then you suddenly realize that you are smiling, or laughing, or gasping in awe - that's joy – and more than an emotion, it’s a penetrating connection with and an all-encompassing experience of some wondrous aspect of life. I think I would rather strive to embrace joy than to have a "happy" life.

I have known so many people in my life, including many here, who have lost loved ones and experienced other traumas around the holidays, and the holidays have become for them constant reminders of their losses and pain. But, when do we NOT remember the loss of our loved ones? When are we NOT cognizant of the pain of our traumas and losses? I, too, have lost people and pets I loved, and I miss them terribly - but greater than the pain of my losses is my gratitude for having had the privilege of knowing them for however long or short a time - having had the opportunity to be part of their lives and them be part of mine - to have had my life enriched by their presence, and to have it enriched still by the joy derived from remembering the life shared with those who are now physically absent. I hold them all close in my heart and remembering their lives and the joy we shared only enhances my present joy; and I simply do not believe that marking their passing and mourning my loss unto perpetuity does them any honor. Of course, it's painful to lose those we love, but how much more terrible a loss it would be to never have experienced the joy of knowing them at all.

It is not a person's death that defines them, but their life. Shouldn't we at the very least dedicate an equal amount of our remembrances of them to celebrating their lives and being grateful for having had the opportunity to know them as we dedicate to mourning their absence and our loss? If the situation was reversed and it was you who passed instead of a loved one, would you truly want them to dwell only on your passing and mourn their loss of you year after year after year? Would you want them to sacrifice their joy by no longer celebrating and enjoying the holidays or birthdays or any other day or any other thing at all just because you had passed at some particular moment in the past? What about all of the other holidays, and birthdays, and regular days that you and they shared here together? Shouldn't all of the days that they lived and shared their lives and love with us - shouldn't the joy that we derived from sharing life with them be at least as important, if not more so, than the one day or season when they passed?

I know that my situation may be a bit different because many of you had at least some kind of relationship and connection with your family members. Although I grew up in the same house with my biological parents and siblings, I was a true orphan because they never considered me a "real" member of "their" family - and they still don't - actually, I consider this to be a good thing. To this day, my mother does not perceive me as being related in any way whatsoever to her or her relatives, actually saying to me a few years ago regarding my great-grandmother, "Well, you're not related to her; she was MY grandmother." Right. Whew! Nevertheless, I have experienced the loss of many dearly-loved ones - both people and pets - members of the family I chose to create for myself.

During my almost 60 years, I have lost someone or suffered some trauma at some time in every year, in every month of the year, and on every day of the week; i.e., during that 60 years, something bad has happened during some January, February, March, etc., and on some Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, etc., in some year along the way, and the same goes for the good. Had I marked the dates of all those traumas and losses, this year I would probably have to mourn something or someone on every single day of the calendar. I will not have my life be dictated and defined by such.

Let me put it this way - when I pass, I don't care if no one marks or remembers that day or season. I would rather hope that by being present in each others' lives I had somehow imparted to my friends some modicum of strength, wisdom, courage, hope, and determination that would encourage and help them be able to truly live to the fullest extent possible every single moment of whatever time is allotted to them, as well as the heart to impart the same to others. If all that my friends could do is deprive themselves of embracing their joy and living full and worthwhile lives because they are marking and perpetually mourning my passing, then I would have failed them as a friend, and my life would have been meaningless and justifiably forfeit. Weep not for those who have fully lived and are now absent, but for those who are still present yet not fully alive.

I LOVE life because it is a precious gift filled with myriad possibilities. And I LOVE the holidays because they present recurring opportunities for me to break from the tedium of my every-day struggles; to remind me to lift my gaze from the rough path I am treading and focus once more on my ultimate destination - that higher plane of existence and a richer, more meaningful life despite and beyond my infirmities and struggles; to learn through practice and repetition how to make the holidays uplifting, restorative, and reaffirming experiences commemorating all that I know should and could be for myself and my fellow travelers; and to remind me to express and share with others the unbounded joy that I derive from their presence in my life. How could I ever consider allowing any thing or person, including myself, to rob me of such treasures?

My Very Best Hopes & Wishes for Each of You for the Holidays & Every Day of the Year!

Lynn

Originally Posted by lynn09

Weep not for those who have fully lived and are now absent, but for those who are still present yet not fully alive.

Great strategy for coping with the holidays. And the above is profound and well said. My sentiments exactly. Mike

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((((lynn))))))

--

Thank you. It touched my heart.

dps

Thank you!

[Berries]

That was wonderful Lynn. Very inspiring. Thank you for sharing that.

((((((((((Lynn)))))))))))

[lonegael]

WOW. I'm amazed. Hats off to you, (((LYNN))))

[liljamie23]

What u said was so moving it brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad u have some joy in your life. That was just so... I don't know, I just feel good having read that. Thank you and have a wonderful Monday.

[billieJ]

Lynn ~ your words were such an inspiration to me. I so admire you for turning your life and holidays around by sheer determination. I so wish I could do the same, and maybe, by reminding myself of your achievements, I can! Your life with Poe is so like mine with Mickey Meow Cat. I, too, have picked inappropriate marital partners in the distant past and have given up the pursuit of "happiness" through relationships. I spend holidays with my Dad, who is a dear man but so opposite of me that we have to work hard not to argue. I cannot express strongly enough how much I am in awe of your ability to take postive control of your life. Having you for a friend is such an honor! Thank You for such an inspirational message on so many levels. billieJ

[MickG]

An absolutely remarkable post. Truly beautiful. Thank you so very much for this.

Much peace to you.

[lynn P.]

Although I know that my logic can make me appear to some to be cold and insensitive at times,

Lynn09,
I would only disagree with one part of your post and it's the above quote - I have never found you to be insensitive or cold - far from it!! Thank you for the eloqent post and sharing your feelings and painful journey. I know you wrote this so that we can learn from you. This is a very good time to write this because the holidays are sometimes sad for people. Reading your post might encourage people who might be destined to feel sad on the holidays - to re-think how they spend it, just like you did. You really have a gift for writing and this post is a gift for us. Thank you!!

[Pomegranate]

Lynn09 Thank you for the gift of YOU. Being alone and being lonely are two very different things, aren't they?

[Rohag]

((((((( Lynn09! )))))))

I applaud your courage, creativity and energy in reclaiming the holidays for yourself.

[Zen888]

((((((((((((Lynn)))))))))))))))))))))))))

My heart goes out to you since I can totally relate to the trauma you have experienced.

[paddym22]

Refreshing

Thank you Lynn

Paddy

[Naturefreak]

It took a while to read , but it was worth it.
You are an inspiration Lynn.
I don't think I have the energy to even think about joy.
I will treat the dogs to something special though.
I may have a fear of joy , that's why every year is the same.
I choose to be miserable because it feels good. NOT!!!!
Christmas or any holiday is just another day to me.
I am really happy for you Lynn . It took hard work , determination and courage to acheive that joy of the holidays. I hope and know this one will be the same for you.
Big Hugs

[greyday]

Thank you for sharing that Lynn. If I want to be depressed this holiday season I will think of your post and remember that I too can turn around the traditions associated with the holidays. I agree with what you said about happiness being a situational emotion and rather joy is what we should be striving towards!

Thanks again.