[sashasiegel]

i know it sounds awful to hear but honestly im kinda tired of living and just tired of life i dont want to do this anymore nor can i do this anymore i feel like everyday im closer to death as every day i slowly die more and more inside even though im still living i have a family i dont have hope i dont want to deal with life or anything anymore i tried to die twice and both times i went to the hospital and left a week or so later i recently slit my left arm bicept muscle in the shower after a sad and pointless arguement with a girl that i love yet i still think and am probably depressed over the last break up with a girl a year or two ago which ended for no reason but because she was over it so i dont know what im looking for or trying to get out of this i dont know maybe its a cry for help i dont know what to do

Please get help today, sashasiegel. Go to the emergency room. Call a help hotline. Do something to get help now. What you are telling us is serious, as you know. Get help!

[headintheclouds6]

I hope you find some help and solace here at PC! You are in the company of friends and people who know what you are going through and who can support you through the hard times. It will take time, but things will get better...

[phoenix47baby]

Welcome to PC. It sounds like you're going through a difficult time. Perhaps it would be wise to seek out some outside help to get you through this hump. Can you call a doctor and get a referral for a therapist? Are you taking any meds and do you need to follow up with the doctor regarding levels of medications. We care here. Please get some help. Sending kind thoughts your way. phoenix47

[sashasiegel]

Originally Posted by phoenix47baby

Welcome to PC. It sounds like you're going through a difficult time. Perhaps it would be wise to seek out some outside help to get you through this hump. Can you call a doctor and get a referral for a therapist? Are you taking any meds and do you need to follow up with the doctor regarding levels of medications. We care here. Please get some help. Sending kind thoughts your way. phoenix47

i cant call a doctor because i just moved back to canada and i have to wait til january till my insurance and health card work and are active but im going back to california on the 17th for 3 weeks where i guess i can call a doctor and or my old psychiatrist and i cant do therapy and no im not taking meds anymore

[stefano]

This is serious, you know for sure, I don't need to tell you. You need medication ASAP, if you can't get it, I cna only recommend that you keep posting here. Let us know how you are doing when the day is over, we care and we will always listen.
Kind thoughts

[cajun]

Originally Posted by sashasiegel

i know it sounds awful to hear but honestly im kinda tired of living and just tired of life i dont want to do this anymore nor can i do this anymore i feel like everyday im closer to death as every day i slowly die more and more inside even though im still living i have a family i dont have hope i dont want to deal with life or anything anymore i tried to die twice and both times i went to the hospital and left a week or so later i recently slit my left arm bicept muscle in the shower after a sad and pointless arguement with a girl that i love yet i still think and am probably depressed over the last break up with a girl a year or two ago which ended for no reason but because she was over it so i dont know what im looking for or trying to get out of this i dont know maybe its a cry for help i dont know what to do

Let me know if you need to chat. I've been right where you are now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm living proof of it. Hang in there.
Cajun

((sashasiegel)))))Please do not wait get help in real life. Most hospitals here will take you without ins. Is canada the same way ?
Here is the national hotline # its free ...someone there should be able to tell you where to get help In real life.

.. National Hotline 1-800-448-3000
please let us know how you are doing
as (you matter )))))

[opheliasorrow]

Sweetie please hang in there. I too have been exactly where you are. There are so many people here who care, I'm living proof as are many on this site that things do get better ... Being so low is a horrible, dark place to be, but you can be sure that plenty of people on this wonderful site will be here to comfort you, reassure you and ask you to keep reaching out ... please take care, much love to you Kerry xxx

I'm sorry I live in the UK, not sure how things are in Canada, but maybe you should go to ER or call the number Muffy gave you? Please be safe, I know how you feel right now, but things WILL get better sweetie, they will ..... much care, Kerry xxxx

[sashasiegel]

i wonder if i can just put this all aside and go on like im fine and alright and hopefully things will unfold that way if i can convince myself im fine

[NuckingFutz]

Hi. I was where you are last july. I am glad you found us. This place helped me pull through. Even if you post 10 times a day. Can you tell us more about you and what is going on? Sharing helps...especially with these folks on here. I will keep watch on this thread because i care. I think it would be good to lean on us rather than go on like everything is fine.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Sashasiegel!

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Can you tell us more about you and what is going on? Sharing helps...

I second the motion. Even if it's "online," it's nice to meet you - you and your story matter.

[sashasiegel]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Hi. I was where you are last july. I am glad you found us. This place helped me pull through. Even if you post 10 times a day. Can you tell us more about you and what is going on? Sharing helps...especially with these folks on here. I will keep watch on this thread because i care. I think it would be good to lean on us rather than go on like everything is fine.

sure i did poorly in 9-10 grade in high school. i was really into tagging and chillen and skating with my homies at my school. i didnt do any work at school and my grades were terrible so i got kicked out and transfered to options for youth which is homeschool. i spent my last 2 years of highschool with the options program spending everday at home in my room doing packets daily so that i could graduate on time. i had a girlfriend at the time for a year or so and overtime it goes worse with her and all it became was sex and not one bit love. i was treated like **** yet still used for my body. i thought i was in love with this girl aswell as she did to me but it was merely a hook up once night which turned into a fake relationship based on sex til one day we became just friends yet we still had sex and such and then later down the road she was just over it entirely and we fought more and more and finally we cut it off completely. the whole time w this girl i was nothing but nice regard of how ****** i was treated or talked to and i dont know if i should have been. its been a year or two since i was with this girl and i was 18 at the time and she was 15. i know it was a mistake from the start since i met her and hooked up with her the same night and asked her to be my gf. ive talked to around 5 girls since her but i just dont feel the same except for a girl now ive been talking too since 2 weeks before i moved to back to canada. i truely experienced love with her and i now know what love is and what a real girl / partner should be like and she is 18 and im 19 except that i live in canada now and shes stuck in california. ever since options and spending 2 years everyday in my room alone working by myself on packets listening to music watching tv playing w my dog and on the computer i kinda just died over time and became depressed. i was put on medication for depression and anxiety and later down the road i took zoloft and remeron which later led me to attempt suicide which led me to go to the hospital. another time i attempted suicide i dont know if i was on meds or not but again i was put in the hospital where they blamed the zoloft and put me on abilify and prozac which didnt seem to do anything for me nor did i want it to do anything for me. i tried therapy but i didnt work i saw around 5 different therapists and only one psychiartrist who concluded that i was wasting mine and his time because i didnt let the meds work nor did i want them too. after all of this i was off meds for a while and just slowly died more and started to treat my mother terribly and i now feel awful about it. she kicked me out and i moved to canada to live w my brother where i dont know anyone and i pretty much am stuck doing the same things that i did for those 2 years i spent in my room. i got accepted to a school for cullinary arts in kingston which is 3 hours from where i live w my brother now and it is also 15 minutes from where my sister lives. i wasnt happy about getting accepted nor was i sad i just wasnt sure what to do or expect. i dont really care about the future or what it holds i would be fine dying today and think nothing of it but i know that it would kill my family and all of those around me but i dont have any intentions of killing me so dont get worried or the wrong idea because in my eyes im already dead i just have to live life like this almost like a zombie or the living dead you could say. i filter out good thigns and dwell upon the negatives and i overgeneralize and such leaving me to close a lot of doors. i dont feel good or bad i almost dont feel anything i dont know what feeling is when really i do and have felt love and such form my girl in cali but i just filter it negatively so that i can just be at ease and not feel anything. hope this helps

[Rhiannonsmoon]

sashasiegel,

I am so sorry you feel the way you do. I get to that point often and I just don't want to do it anymore. But then I remember that I love my family and I just would not like to do that to them. It's not a guilt thing. I really love them and they support me evn though at times I am unsupportable.

I don't get nasty or angry, I just get hopless and helpless. I just want to be left alone and because I feel like Im going to die I don't care if I do.

But then I think of what it would do to them, I love them so much and I really have no anger or problem with them so it wouldn't be fair.

Try to push through this and try to just hold on to the fact that it will pass and you will feel better.

Depression is cyclic and this is just another cycle. If you have meds & they're not working, then talk to your doc and change them...

Keep us posted on how you are...

((((hugs))))
Rhiannon

Originally Posted by sashasiegel

i wonder if i can just put this all aside and go on like im fine and alright and hopefully things will unfold that way if i can convince myself im fine

Sasjasiegel, you can try to go along like everythings okay - but it sounds like your body isn't allowing that anymore.

Sounds like the mask has to come off - deal with one thing at a time....
A lot of things may trigger you, but it does take not of whats happening around you

[NuckingFutz]

Yeah sashasiegal, that information helps a lot. Sounds like you have been doing a lot despite you feeling dead. You have learned the consequences like what happens when you stopped working at school and how hard you had to work to catch up. You learned what love is to you and what it isn't which is one of life's most painful lessons. That takes balls. Some people quit trying for love...that would be a big mistake. Take your new girl in cali...it is the digital age. You have all these ways of staying connected- use them to stay connected. See how much you can learn about eachother in 3 weeks time before you visit cali. Also, animals like your dog are great company for depressed people. As far as staying in your room, it is called isolating which lets the depression slowly take over. I still do this until i catch myself. As far as meds go, they take a while to build up in your brain...sometimes it can take weeks so when you get them, give them a chance to work. Sometimes pdocs can make some rude remarks.

[sashasiegel]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Yeah sashasiegal, that information helps a lot. Sounds like you have been doing a lot despite you feeling dead. You have learned the consequences like what happens when you stopped working at school and how hard you had to work to catch up. You learned what love is to you and what it isn't which is one of life's most painful lessons. That takes balls. Some people quit trying for love...that would be a big mistake. Take your new girl in cali...it is the digital age. You have all these ways of staying connected- use them to stay connected. See how much you can learn about eachother in 3 weeks time before you visit cali. Also, animals like your dog are great company for depressed people. As far as staying in your room, it is called isolating which lets the depression slowly take over. I still do this until i catch myself. As far as meds go, they take a while to build up in your brain...sometimes it can take weeks so when you get them, give them a chance to work. Sometimes pdocs can make some rude remarks.

i only have 5-6 days left here in canada til i go back to california for 3 weeks so maybe il just get to know her as much more as i can untill i see here on the 17th andi dont mean to stay in my bros room like its my own bu ti donmt know anybody here and i only leave to bike or go skate or buy groceries because i cook what do you think

[Poisoncontrol]

If you are truly feeling like you want to end it go to the hospital and tell them you want ot be admitted for having these thoughts. I live in Canada also and they will not refuse you. It sounds like you need some professional help and assistance and thats okay. We all do sometimes.

[Amazonmom]

I care. I have been in the pit, so far down that I thought there was no point to life. That was depression lying to me, trying to bring me down.

Your life is valuable. You are valuable. Fight for your life.

Please keep talking to us...and please reach out to a doctor, therapist, someone who can help you treat your depression. It sounds like your current treatment isn't working. I know it's scary, but you can do it. You can.

[greyday]

You don't have to hurt yourself to go to the hospital. I have gone to the hospital before because I felt so tired of living. I wasn't suicidal but I was just so tired of everything and the future looked bleak. It sounds as if you have tried medications and therapists and feel like giving up on both. The thing is, finding the right combination of medications is very hard and you have to take the meds regularly. It can also be hard to find a good therpaist. But don't give up. The right therapist and med combos are out there, it just take time. You are far too young to quit trying now. Hang in there.

[NuckingFutz]

Wasn't finished-ran out of room. Exercise is great for depression it works the best if you get your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes a day. You sound like you are up for it. I would also go to the emergency room as soon as possible. On your filters...filter out the bad stuff not the good stuff. You will meet people that too takes time...check out the library, or be like a tourist...got a camera? Even better. You may even find some good ramps. On a final note i want you to know that i am a veteran of the us army. I am too old to serve as a soldier, so on each veteran's day i do something to help at least one person. Well when i saw your post i decided to help you. Put my best into it and hope it has helped.

[sashasiegel]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Wasn't finished-ran out of room. Exercise is great for depression it works the best if you get your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes a day. You sound like you are up for it. I would also go to the emergency room as soon as possible. On your filters...filter out the bad stuff not the good stuff. You will meet people that too takes time...check out the library, or be like a tourist...got a camera? Even better. You may even find some good ramps. On a final note i want you to know that i am a veteran of the us army. I am too old to serve as a soldier, so on each veteran's day i do something to help at least one person. Well when i saw your post i decided to help you. Put my best into it and hope it has helped.

oh haha no problem and yeah i kinda noticed when i went biking and skating my problems just faded for the time being and i felt alright but i dont know why i would go to the emergency room or hospital nor can i since im leaving in 5 days and im not going to hard myself or anybody and i l try to filter the bad so that it seems like everything its good and i can just brush off the little bad things and thanks alot i tihnk you are helpiong and me being open also helps ;D

[NuckingFutz]

The feelings you get when you are active is because a natural chemical called endorphins are being released in your body. Antidepressants can make you feel the same way...as long as they are the right ones and you keep taking them. Go to the first page of this site and look under depression and read about it. It helps to know what you are dealing with.

[Briester]

(((((sashasiegel)))))

[lonegael]

((((Sasha)))) If you keep on going on as if none of this is happening it will come back and bite you in the tail. I did the same thing until the day that I tried to do for myself and I STILL HID IT BECAUSE I COULDN'T ADMIT I COULDN'T HANDLE IT!!!!
You need to get help ASP and you need help that can be there for you for a bit into the future. It will not just go over, not if it's real MD. It will be back.
Sorry I come on like a pitbull in earrings, but I see myself in a lot of what you say and I would hate to see a kid with so much heart wasted in that fashion. Please keep in touch with us here! Hang on.