Can you understand................................

----

Sitting here I wonder who am I? Do I even matter? To whom? I find myself feeling like I am nothing or maybe I should be. And if I am, what does it matter? I am screaming out from somewhere within too afraid to really be heard. For do I really have anything to say? Do words really have any meaning or do they just echo away somewhere? Silence without sometimes says more than any word may speak. For it is what lies in the eyes that screams what the mouth can never say.

Hiding within are truths that no one knows. Finding a way to bring these truths up and allow one's self to release what goes so deep and hidden in the darkest recesses of one's mind is like finding the one pebble in the sand that began the collection in the first place. Finding that one word that could allow the knob to turn and the hidden door to be opened for even one moment. For one moment turns into another, to another. And ever so slowly before you know it one word could turn into many until the secrets start to unfold and spill out from that place within. But the fear that comes with the word is so great it could start the avalanche that could bury one's heart without a sound or any notice it has taken place. To once again fall into a deep silence where one word does not exist.

What makes a word so hard to speak? What makes one unable to find that beginning word? What brings about such silence, such a fear to be? What were words back when it all started and what are words now? How does one find strength to dare to reach, to even look for the one letter that could start the one word that could release the secrets so deep, so dormant to one's mind. Knowing they exist yet buried so deep to save one's self from the harm that could come to the selves if revealed. Yet knowing the dangers it holds in the secrets that keep one trapped within their sick little games destroying one's very existence of self. All within screaming out in silence, minds fearing their own words, and somewhere that one word lies just waiting----just holding the key to opening it all.

So many all sharing different pieces of one heart. A heart that lies shattered amongst the shut doors, the silent echoes of words unspoken, the unshed tears afraid to fall yet burning the eyes from within, the eyes that tell what words leave unsaid, and the sharp pieces that float and cut like a knife at the slightest attempt to reach out. The voices of many trying to be heard yet retracting back as fast for fear of others within and rejection without. The price of telling is high, the act of trusting does not exist, and the lies choking the life line with every thought to tell.

What do you do when fear is all around? When the fear is real and not just a mind thing? When you get up it is waiting there for you. When you look around the corner but there are many other corners waiting. When you do what it is you are suppose to but not even that protects you. When the inside does not understand what exists outside of one's self. When there is something within not of yourself but working against everything you are trying to do? When you lay down to sleep and the night blankets you with the fears of the day, that could become life at any given moment if it has not already. When breathing takes on a new meaning-----is this the last one or the next----they all run together gasping quickly, silently crying help in words no one can distinguish.

Is this what life is? Running within never finding one's self? Can time stop what seems to take one's heart and where terror lives constantly in the mind that holds many within? You think and think and you search for just one letter that could make the one word that would crack open the lock placed so long ago and reinforced through fear, not of the past only but the present. Where did time go? One moment in time you were, the next will you be? Fighting hard to remain, to heal, to step forward. Grasping for the hand of a friend, for the will to go on, for a moment of safety. Still searching for the one word, just one----that would allow you into this nightmare. Would you even stay? Would you even want to hear? Or would you walk away?

............................

I am at a loss as far as what to say. In that sense I cannot understand. What I think I understand is that the ordeal you describe requires more than platitudes. If you have not talked to a professional about what you are experiencing, maybe you should?

DPS my dear friend,

I know you've been having such a difficult time and if I could I'd wave a wand and make all the heaviness vanish from your heart and mind. Unfortunately that power, if I can call it that, doesn't rest with me or anyone else. This special talent only exists for the person (people) who are experiencing it in their lives at the moment. It's the magic...that little thought inside you that says "this is horrible, tragic, my life is a mess, but it could change for the better."

There have been posts about giving up hope and such and Cyber did make a good point (I took an undergrad class in Greek myth too) that the Greeks would be aghast to know how we thought about hope now but I'd like to call this more like "spirit." It's our own spirit that drives us. Our soul for some reason needs to experience this as it helps it to learn how to deal with so many of these issues.

Walking away is never a good thing to do although I know many here have those thoughts from time to time (myself included). Time exists only really for those that place emphasis on it or are forced to as many of us are. Did you ever just watch a film or tv and then wonder "wow where did all that time go?" The point it is was there all along but you were in a place where you didn't feel the impending doom of how much time was passing.

Our fears can be our greatest teachers or are worst enemies and EVERYTHING in between. Real fear is paralyzing just as much as perceived fear. It can also push us into doing things that are either good for us or bad for us. The point to this though is that the fear is ALWAYS yours and can't be given to or taken from another person. There is energy in every single emotion we have...love, care, compassion, fear, hate, anger. It's all the same energy just manifested in different forms. How many times have you thought something maybe looked so good, then you get it home and suddenly you hate it? Or a person can be absolutely wonderful one moment, then you break up and you hate him/her. We have crude understandings of our world and I especially like the line from Hamlet that says "There are more things in heaven and earth Horatio, than are dreamth of in your philosophies." What I mean by this and my comment on energy is that physics tells us that energy cannot be created or destroyed. Only the manifestation of that energy's form changes. Take the energy of fear and try to change it's form, just a little at a time. Try to turn it into love and care for yourself and your soul as being so precious and such a gift.

In my "religious" belief, our consciousnesses can take many forms and like energy, cannot be created nor destroyed. We're fortunate to have a human birth because we could have been an animal or what we call praeta (hungry ghost) or even into what's called in laymen's terms hell realms. (though unlike the Judeo/Christian/Muslim belief our hell is not permanent because NOTHING is permanent). To be a human allows us to experience all the beauty and all the pain that another human can experience. It's our choice as to how to handle and what to do with it. While I believe this myself, I too struggle sometimes with the question of why do I exist and why SHOULD I continue existing. Sometimes I just want an "out" and then I have to force myself to realize what a gift I have and how much I'd be throwing away if I let the dark forces (we call them Mara) beat me. Just to give a story explaining this...on the night of Siddhartha Gautama's enlightenment, before he became The Buddha, he went through several "watches" while in deep meditation. One of the last was his internal facing against Mara. He sent his daughters to try to tempt Siddhartha to leave his quest but Siddhartha didn't stop, then he sent his armies to attack Siddhartha (what's called the armies of darkness by some) but all their weapons were ineffective against the radiance that was almost formed. Finally Mara realized he could not stop Siddhartha from becoming enlightened so he was finally defeated and the Blessed One became Lord Buddha. OK...if you're with me now and even if you don't believe all of it that's not important. The point is through sheer force of his mind, Siddhartha was able to defeat the evil, the same holds true for you my friend and all of us. Don't let the darkness beat you. You have all the power in the world to keep it at bay.

I hope you find some of this strength even at small levels and can use it to find the light and spirit that already exists within you. I know you can, just believe for yourself. I wish you all the love and care I can give, and to everyone who's experiencing their own darkness.



Chris

Yes, I do understand. Please keep sharing, your words mean a lot to many...

(((((((((( dps ))))))))))

(((((((((((((( darkpurplesecrets )))))))))))))))))))

l sit and read all that you write......................you internal pain and your battles come through loud and clear. Words that are not spoken outwardly and yet inside of us they scream in our heart, mind and soul. Many many dark days there seems little point to continue to endure what some many of us do, each and every day. And yet here we are struggling, fighting with all our will and might just to take another step to ensure that we dont stop and stand still. Sometimes hope, worth, believe seem to have all but vanished from within as we battle our silent voices and hidden screams................pain, fear and torment seem to take over and continue to keep us locked in those chains.
My dearest dps....................l hear you, l sense and feel your pain, when your hope, worth and belive are low be sure to know that while we can loose them others YOUR FRIENDS can hold those things for you until you are at a point to retrieve these for yourself. Know that we are standing with you, right at your side, we believe in you.....................YOU are a survivor and although at times we feel we are not surviving we are...............we are here, we are fighting ( sometimes in very small ways) but they are massive battles that we win each day in order for us to continue to take small, tiny steps so that one day we will be truely free from our pasts, we will learn to live and love again and most importantly .............. WE WILL DISCOVER WHO WE ARE



many many safe and gentle hugs to you my friend and know that we hear you and we care.......................let it all out.............. we are here to listen, hold and comfort you through your pain and fear

know you are loved and that we care

Mandyxx

DPS No I can't understand all of your pain, but I listen to you talk and we listen to how you feel knowing you are in so much agony yet knowing also that you ARE strong in so many ways. Silentandscared, Briester, Pegs, others here never underestimate hurt, sorrow, how hard it can be, so very hard and tiring. Please know that words, the correct words to say to you will not come, but please know that you are thought of, and always have been. When you talk, your heart gives up a little bit of pain each time. Your feelings, emotions are from your soul, such a beautiful soul you have too ~ safe hugs only if that's ok, K xxxx

A very sweet and wise person wrote to a new member, TheShadow, these words in a post yesterday:
Does it sounds familiar my friend?

(((((((((((((DPS))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are hurting. I know the feeling of feeling alone, am I really needed, if so by whom. I know those feelings hurt very deeply. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I will be here though, listening, thinking of you, and hoping you will find a small light at the end of that tunnel. I do agree with what someone else said and that is go t T, or get some professional help.

You are such as caring individual and I hate to see you in so much pain and suffering. You deserve better.
Take care of yourself, and please keep us informed.

(((((((((((((((((( dps )))))))))))))))))))


love,
fuzzy

((((((((((( dps ))))))))))))))))))

Be kind to yourself hun, sending you lots of hugs
You matter very much, you are such a kind, caring person and you deserve only the best in life. I am sorry you are struggling.

Yes I do understand all too well...
(((dps)))

(((((DPS))))) I don't and can't true understand your situation in it's entirety, but I do understand the loneliness, the hopelessness and the pain, because I have hurt, been lonely and have lost hope over and over. Where I don't unerstand, I treasure your attempts to explain what is so hard for us singletons to grasp. I wish I could come and sit with you IRL and just let you know that you aren't alone and that there are people here who want to make sure that with them, at least, you are safe. Hugs and wishes for a calm, peaceful day and an equally peaceful night, dear DPS and everyone else under that moniker

((((((((((((DPS)))))))))))))))))) I have neither the wisdom nor the intellect to write as you do, but instead, I must focus on one aspect and let you know this ~ you have a monumental amount to say, and you say it profoundly, if sorrowfully, and in so doing, you speak aloud for many of us. Thank You, Dear Friend. May Healing and a Gladness of Spirit Come to You Swiftly. Have faith that you will find the letter and the breaching Word, when the time for finding is; when you have sufficient strength, it will come. You need not search further, except as you are driven by spirit. Caring About Your Pain ~ billieJ