sick of this!

There's still three weeks before I can go home. I have two essays and a translation due, plus two books to read ... I lied and told my family that I was doing fine. They think I handle things well, but I can't tell them that I feel like my life is spiralling out of control because when they worry it only reminds me of how screwed up things have become. I hate it when they check up on me, I hate it when they ask if I'm all right, and the better they think I'm doing the less they ask and the less ashamed I have to feel at how badly I keep messing up.

I just need things to stop for a little while. I just need to catch my breath and get myself organized and figure things out. But it's crunch time and I don't have time to get organized. At this point all I'm doing is running through as much work as I can, as quickly as I can, which isn't the best way to do it but if I don't get things finished the stress gets so bad that it triggers my depression even worse. I just need to get the next three weeks out of the way. I wish I could care about it more, I wish I could get myself REALLY in the game and really TRY but it's so much effort to even force myself to get through my work, I just don't have the energy to do it WELL on top of getting it done. I never live up to my expectations because I never put 100% into my work. I know what I'm capable of when I put my mind to it but it's like every time I try to really sink my teeth into what I'm doing, some kind of barrier goes up. My attention flies away and I can't focus and sometimes it'll take me an hour just to get through two lines of an essay. My counsellor keeps telling me that everybody is stressed but she doesn't understand that I don't care, it doesn't make ME feel any LESS stressed. It's like breaking your leg and being told "people break their legs all the time", like that's going to make it hurt any less. She says that the first semester of your third year tends to be the toughest on students but it doesn't matter, it doesn't make it any LESS tough on me to know it's tough for everyone else. It doesn't make it any easier to figure out how I'm even supposed to handle this. I go in to see her sometimes and I wonder what I'm doing there, why going over the same stuff all the time even matters. Talking it out doesn't seem to do me any good any more. I don't even know what my problems ARE half the time. At least last year I knew I had specific problems, with my family, my relationships, my future. Now that I've got those things sorted out, now that things are going better for me than they were, how come I feel so hollow? How come it's so hard for me to feel anything at all? The thought of getting through the next three weeks, much less the next year and a half, makes me feel physically sick. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when I graduate.

(((Rebecca)))
I feel your pain

((((((((((((((((((((rebecca)))))))))))))
take a break and breath...sending u bunch hugs ...(sorry cant help much)

Justfloating
Be gentle on yourself

Dear, you sound like you are burned out, which is somewhat more than just depression. Burnout comes from doing the same thing over and over until you lose the joy in it and doesn't go away until you make a lifestyle change. Time to talk to someone about it.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I feel the same all the time.

Let me see if I have this right. You are in the throes of an energy-sapping illness in a place you would rather not be, doing what you would rather not be doing, and your therapist is not helping you. Is that about right?

To complicate matters, you most unfairly are beating yourself up, while telling your family you are fine. But you know you are not fine.

What are you going to do? May I suggest that you and your well-being are the most important consideration?

As difficult as it may be to accept, taking some time off from school now to deal with what is tormenting you must be given serious consideration.

Good luck!

(((((((((((((((((((Rebecca))))))))))))))))

((((((Rebecca)))))) The Byzantine has som really good points. I have done the same thing, and I needed to take some serious time out doing nothing school related to realize that I was in the wrong field. I am now working in my "new" field and I am so glad I didn't stay in the old one. It was killing me. Huggs dear. Take a break from fighting the wind for awhile.

((((((((everyone)))))))))

Byzantine and lonegael, it has been suggested to me by my doctor and my counsellor that I take some time off from school, but I honestly believe that would be even worse for me. I discussed this with my counsellor just last week, actually, and I'm simply not someone who is capable of resting. Summer breaks are excruciating for me, because I have this horrible sense that I'm stagnating, especially because my school year starts later than in Canada, so when all my friends are back in school and I'm still sitting at home, those couple of weeks are pure torture. It wouldn't really matter where I get my undergraduate degree or what subject it's in, because it's the graduate degree I'm actually aiming for, so no matter what I do, I have to put in the time in undergrad either way. Taking time off just delays things even more. The thought of going home this summer is already making me queasy -- I'm incredibly overworked and I need a good rest, but after about a week of resting I get really, really restless. I need to feel like I'm working towards a purpose. When I'm purposeless, it's an invitation for the depression to come back with a vengeance -- I had to get my medication upped by 50% over the summer just to cope.

Maybe I'm just used to working. I've been working towards something my entire life. Get through primary school, then middle school, then high school. Get into a good university. Get into a good grad school. Publish some writing, get a teaching job ... As soon as I've completed one step, I need to be on my way to the next or I go crazy. I don't even think it's ambition-based, it's just that I go stir crazy if I'm not working towards something. I'm an incredibly cerebral person, so I'm constantly thinking and looking for new things to learn, and if I can't keep my mind actively engaged it turns on me. All this work makes my life SO stressful but in a sick way, every book I read or essay I write gets me one step closer to graduation, to grad school, to the job and the life I've been striving for.

I really don't care about my subject that much. If I'd been smart, I would have gone into English, but I didn't realize that until halfway through my degree when it was too late to go back and start over. I decided to do French mostly because I'm Canadian, and when I started university I thought I wanted to work for the government or go into translation, although I've since learned that I absolutely HATE translations. So now I'm in French lit. I've been taking literature courses in one form or another since I was 15, and after a while it all becomes very formulaic, and the themes and characters you encounter are all so similar, and everything is very predictable. It all feels like a lot of grunt work because the passion has pretty much disappeared. I'd rather be writing stories than writing ABOUT them, and I do as much of that on the side as I can because my writing is the only thing that gives my life meaning. I want to get my Master of Fine Arts in creative writing, but to do that, I need to finish my undergrad. I need to push through, and putting it off would only make me more miserable because it would mean getting even further away from the program of my dreams.

Today was graduation day and there were a ton of students walking around campus in graduation robes. It made me feel sick and excited at the same time. I just want to get this degree over with so I can get to the one I really want!!!!!

OK! It's a good thing that you know yourself so well! We'll keep our fingers crossed for you!
ps. I know. I hate translation too, especially the stuff one has to do for political science, business related matters.
Huggs and huggs, rebecca!

At the risk of alienating you, I will say I hope some day soon you come to grips with your insatiable need to drive yourself into the ground to achieve a goal that likely you will not be satisfied with ("the job and the life I've been striving for").

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
~ John Lennon

I hope I am wrong. Good luck!

(((((rebecca))))))

You'll get there