[codered38]

Hi all, first post on this site.

I don't have a lot of people in my life that I feel comfortable talking to and I'm getting sick of all these thoughts just bouncing around in my head. I'm hoping I can relieve a bit of the pressure if I just spit it out on paper, or in this case a forum full of strangers that I found on google.

I'm almost 28 years old and I basically feel worthless. I haven't had a relationship in almost seven years, not even a single date and it's REALLY driving me nuts lately. Most of that time I can chalk up to just not leaving the house at all, but there was a span of about 2 years (ending about a year ago when I lost my job) where I actually was going out and feeling much better than I do now and before the span. For the later half of those 2 years I was trying as hard as I thought I could to meet someone, but it always seemed like every woman I met had a boyfriend, wasn't interested or seemed interested at first, but quickly lost interest.

I have really mixed feelings about how attractive I think I am. Up until I stopped going to the gym a year ago I was really in shape (not much worse now, just lost tone). I'm 5'7" which doesn't really help but I don't think I'm ugly. I've had a decent number of women tell me that I'm attractive, but it's always my friends' girlfriends. But I often feel physically sick when I see photos of myself. I feel like if I were truly attractive, there would be at least SOME women paying more attention to me over the last seven years. I mean, I'm not expecting them to throw themselves at me, but it's like... nothing.

I often make up mock conversations in my head about why I haven't been able to find someone. I imagine someone I know asking me, and then I go through the reasons and it usually sounds something like this:

"Well I don't really feel like I have any quality that women look for. I have a boring part time job, I'm not tall, I can't cater to the girls that like badboys, I'm not full of confidence, I don't really have any impressive skill like guitar playing or whatever, I'm terrible at conversation, I'm not really that good looking, I don't have any ambition, I'm not successful, etc."

As far as my professional life goes, like I said I lost my job about a year ago due to lack of work coming through. I really liked the job although I wanted to do more with it. I've always found it really hard to push my education. I dropped out of college because I just couldn't get into it and the loans were REALLY piling up. I've been slowly teaching myself new software programs associated with my field to try and stay current but its a struggle to get the motivation. It's a struggle to get motivated to do anything really.

There is a lot more bouncing around in my head, but I think I'll stop here for now.

[Puffyprue]

codered, welcome here
instead of telling ur self about all negative stuff why dont u start to tell ur self about ur positive quality ..u must have it in you
can u go out to socialize?or doing volunteer so u can meet someone there?

[tonih]

Welcome to PC. I agree with Prue....take a look at yourself and list the positive things about you. Men tend to put so much emphasis on how we look, but that is only the surface. Making friends, reaching out lets the rest of us know who you are. I will bet that there are some wonderful attributes that you are keeping from the world. Give yourself a break and keep posting!

[codered38]

Originally Posted by puffyprue

codered, welcome here
instead of telling ur self about all negative stuff why dont u start to tell ur self about ur positive quality ..u must have it in you
can u go out to socialize?or doing volunteer so u can meet someone there?

Ah great, this is exactly what I was looking for. I ask tell myself the same things you just mentioned when all these things are bouncing around in my head.

Positive qualities. I feel like I can't say anything positive about myself without blatantly lying. For example I could say that I like that I'm in shape... but I'm really not anymore. I just started going back to the gym, but I'm not sure how long I can stick with it. Or I could say that I can make people laugh, but I'm only really funny when I'm around people I know really well and can play off their personality or past experiences. One step outside of my comfort zone and my wit dries up instantly. I wish I could say that I'm really good at something, but anything I take up leaves me stuck in mediocrity.

Socializing. It's been tough the past year. I've mostly avoided going out with friends at all because I feel like I have nothing to contribute. I absolutely would dread the idea of someone asking a simple question like "so what have you been up to lately", because I know my answer would be "sitting in my room playing computer games for 16 hours a day" and that would be the extent of the conversation. It doesn't help that almost all of my "friends" are really just my roommate's friends, not people that I hang out with otherwise (for clarity, my roommate has been the closest thing to what you would call a best friend for the last few years). Another thing that's tough is that just about all of them have girlfriends. I hate being the 3rd, 5th, 7th, nth wheel. Any party or gathering I has plenty of girls, but they are all taken. And you would think those girls would have friends I could meet, but it just hasn't played out like that.

Volunteer work. This is something I keep thinking about, but I don't know where to start. I have trouble just getting the motivation to do my laundry, never mind free work :P

[niclynn]

My promblem is I don't have alot of friends actually I only really talk to one person I'm in arelationship & I'm feeling smothered I don't do much myself I'm unemployed sense sept I get depressed from time to time cause I feel no fulfillment in things so your not alone!!!

Welcome, codered. What you describe certainly is symptomatic of depression. Have you pursued professional help? My concern is that you will continue to view your life as a validation of your worthlessness if you do not address the cognitive distortions in your thought processes.

Good luck.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Codered38!

From what little you've posted (as you said, there's a lot more bouncing around inside your head), it seems you have

• relationship issues, and, more importantly
• depression issues.

Many of the threads here in the depression forum involve how the illness messes with our self-perception. That, of course, gets in the way of building various types of relationships.

Initially, it may be more valuable for you to address depression directly, dealing with relationship issues as they intersect with depression.

(The preceding advice is hesitantly offered by someone who is uncomfortable dealing with relationship issues. PsychCentral has an active Relationships & Communication Forum.)

[justfloating]

hi codered, welcome to PC

I agree with Byzantine and Rohag, it sounds like you might benefit from some professional help. Have you thought about seeing a therapist or a counsellor? It might also help to see a doctor about how you're feeling. Low motivation and depressed feelings could be a sign of something physical as well as mental and it's a good idea to get checked out.

As for the girls thing ... do you know, the most attracted I have ever been to a guy was not the most attractive guy I've seen? But he was pure confidence and it just felt good to be anywhere near him. He smiled, he looked people in the eye, he walked with his head held high and he spoke his mind. You've probably heard it before, but confidence is WAY up there on the list of things girls go for. And confidence isn't something you're born with, it's something you learn. It has nothing to do with your looks -- if you like yourself, it shows, and if people think YOU like yourself they're going to be more willing to see if they like you too. It sounds to me like you're negating a lot of the good things about yourself. If you like the way you look, LIKE it! Don't add any "buts" in there. If you can make ANYONE laugh, that's a great gift to have. Not everyone can do that ... in fact there are a LOT more un-funny people out there than funny ones. Pay attention to your thinking ... when you think something positive about yourself or a situation, is there a "but..." that comes after? What if you refuse to believe anything that comes after that but? Then what? Then how would you feel?

[codered38]

Have you thought about seeing a therapist or a counsellor? It might also help to see a doctor about how you're feeling. Low motivation and depressed feelings could be a sign of something physical as well as mental and it's a good idea to get checked out.

I've done both. The counselor actually gave me the best advice which was go out for a walk everyday. That was when I was literally never leaving the house and it actually helped. Other than that though, therapists just put me on lots of different drugs that never did anything. I gave them all plenty of time to work but it was like I was taking sugar pills. There was no effect whatsoever, positive or negative. I never felt like I had the chance to talk about all the stuff in my head when I went to sessions, so i think that's why I'm here. This feels like its helping a bit.

You've probably heard it before, but confidence is WAY up there on the list of things girls go for.

I'm definately aware of that, but confidence doesn't grow on trees. I feel like I don't have anything to be confident about. I can't be confident about my job since it's crap, I can't be confident about my guitar playing since I've been doing it for 10 years and still can't play ONE song through, so on and so forth. I know it probably sounds like I'm just arguing with you, but these are the exact conversations I have with myself all the time. I'm hoping typing it all out will give me a different perspective.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((codered38))))

Welcome to PC and I hope you make many friends here. I was reading your post and from what I see you do have some good qualities. Sometimes we look too far and miss what is starring us right in the face.

I have a wonderful friend who told me to look in the mirror everyday and tell myself I loved myself whether I believed it or not. She told me it would not be easy. That I may have to shout it and I may not be able to say it but once. But if you continue to say it, you will in time begin to believe it.

You have to like yourself so you can believe in yourself and built that confidence. I know it sounds weird but try it. If you continually say you cant then you will not. But if you try you will find that evenually you will.

If you have to lie, which I do not believe you do, then do it until it becomes a truth. Everyone has given you some good advice but it is up to you to try. I know that it is hard. Believe me I do. But in order to change you have to be willing to take a chance and be willing to do what it takes to change.

Please know that we are listening and we are hearing what you are saying. It is so easy to find fault with ourselves. I do know how you feel. I validate how you feel. Take a chance. If you cannot play a whole song on your guitar then keep playing what you can play and add on a few chords as you go. Before long you will be playing a whole song.

Thank you for posting. Please keep us informed on how you are doing. Sending gentle hugs.

dps

[embracinglife]

First of all, glad you reached out, glad you're willing to talk about your problems on this type of site. Great job!

And on your post, I think you are being a little hard on yourself. Not trying to diagnose but maybe you have some self-esteem issues, and you did mention that you were lacking in some motivation. Now I wonder, if you could ask yourself something like: What is getting in the way of me thinking more highly of myself? Or, what is getting in the way of me feeling more motivated?

Maybe try out the "self-help" section of this site, I would reccommend it. There is an online book you can read called Psychological Self-Help that I just started reading, and maybe you could work on setting some goals and working towards them, like with your interpersonal relationships and whatnot. I'm sure you're a really great guy inside to get to know. A real girl isn't going to care as much about the superficial things like your guitar playing skills.

Another option would always be to seek therapy to try to work on these issues with a professional, don't know if you're doing that already or not.