[Blue Krik]

Sometimes, I think my brain has a glitch. Otherwise, I can't explain why I can't just DO something. It's impossible and I don't even want to think about it anymore. But then...I can't just shut off my brain, though I so long for it. I want peace and I want quiet, for the love of god. Depression is kicking my butt, f'real. I'm so damn ready to give up and just sleep. I could sleep through life, couldn't I? Talk about an easy challenge.

I woke up this morning feeling all energized and smiling, for the millionth time this year. I thought that today was going to be "the day". I would finally go out there and do the things I haven't been doing lately. Like going to school to pick a subject for my graduation thesis. Or finally organizing my stuff and making a schedule to help me study for my eleven finals this semester. Or just catching up with my emails. Anything, anything at all. And I didn't do anything. After an hour, I just went back to bed. My energy just dies and it's no fun anymore. I want to do stuff and then I just don't. It's driving me crazy to the point where I just want to slap myself or slam my head against a wall. Literally. If I knew it would help, I would. What's some pain compared to getting my life on track? Exactly.

I hate December. It's thirty days of 'YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THIS YEAR EITHER'. Not the joy of holidays, the peace snow used to bring me. Just that constant reminder. It's like having Stewart Little shoved in my ear all the time. I'm so tired. I just sleep all the time. I even forget to eat sometimes, because I can't get out of bed. And when I do get out of bed and get all dressed up to go outside, I panic and stay at home. I'm just letting my life go on without me and that blows. I offer myself excuses for why I shouldn't do things right now, but later. I tell myself it's okay to not talk to people, cause people wouldn't understand. I lie to myself pretending I will be fine someday. But I'm not doing anything towards that and it's painfully obvious. Even to me. I think I'm broken or something. I see that everything I do is wrong, but I can't stop myself. I'm afraid I'll fail miserably. Even though...I'm already failing, so what's a little bit more fail, right? Ugh. The worst part is that I don't even hate myself, maybe that would motivate me to do something, anything. But no. I just pat myself on the back, and promise myself it'll be okay in the end. And then, I think about it some more. Seriously, enough thinking. I'm not a great philosopher or anything, but it seems like I should be, with all the constant thinking. Doing it on and on and on, for hours to no end.

I'm kinda tired of doing that. I just need my brain to shut the hell up. I feel like my life has no purpose or meaning, even though I have this nice image of me in my thirties. I have this cool outfit on, nice designer bag, medium heels and I'm on my way to work in a fast-paced environment, just like I always wanted. And I'm smiling and I have this feeling like I'm on top of the world, even if it's not true. But in my head, I'm pleased with my life. I even like it.
Now. How can I get there? Preferably, without having to kill my brain.

Oh boy. I suck at life. I really do.
/end rant
Apparently, I'm not too tired to rant, hah. I apologize for the complaining post, it's all I seem to do these days.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Blue Krik!

Rants - Venting - Complaints Welcome Here!

I want to do stuff and then I just don't. It's driving me crazy to the point where I just want to slap myself or slam my head against a wall. Literally. If I knew it would help, I would. What's some pain compared to getting my life on track?

This is too personally familiar. In my experience, slapping oneself or banging one's head against a solid object does not help restart one's motivation or action.

You seem to be capable of doing some things and not others. Have you tried to sort them out and examine why?

May the rest of December be kind to you and may Stewart Little find somewhere else to nest!

[perpetuallysad]

Welcome. I don't mind the rant at all. It sounds a lot like myself sometimes. (Ok, most of the time.)

Do you have a doctor or therapist?

And if you find out how to shut your brain up, please share with me.

[Blue Krik]

Thank you, thank you for taking the time to read this.

@Rohag,
I did try. I make lists with what I can do, or lists with what I have to do. I write stuff down in order of importance.
Maybe it's not the best idea to sort things out, but it seemed to help at one point in time. Until I started ignoring my lists and wallowing in self-pity. I've been told all my life that I'm a useless waste of space (in more words, of course) and although I try to ignore it and tell myself it's not true, my brain doesn't feel like that. So when it comes to me doing things, even tiny little things, there's this voice in my head going all 'you can't do anything anyway, so why bother with this?'.

@perpetuallysad,
I've had four therapists. I quit them sooner rather than later, because I feel that if I speak my mind people will think I'm clinically insane. Yeah, I know, I'm more than likely paranoid. But I guess I didn't find that right therapist yet, to whom I could talk to about anything and everything that's bothering me. So we usually talk about the surface things and I never get to the bottom problems, because I run away.
Well, to be honest, that's what I do best. Run away from my problems. In circles sometimes, which leads me to making the same mistake twice. See, now that deserves a slap or something.

<---- this is how I imagine my brain. It's very noisy and tiring.

[shezbut]

Hello Blue Krik

to Psych Central.

I can relate to the depression kicking your butt. And the frustration/ fear of getting help. I have seen countless therapists over the years, and am just now beginning to really get down to the nitty gritty of my issues.

It isn't easy. 2-4 days out of each week, I'm pretty emotional and super-depressed. But, I'm also dealing with major tragedies in my world. And we all know that it's better to deal with them now, rather than stuffing those things deep down inside of myself too. It takes time, patience, and work.

Keep on trying to work through your troubles ~ you can do it. Your intelligence is both a blessing and a curse. You're smart enough to understand diagnoses and possible treatments. The sooner you reach out and try with help, the better things will become for you and sooner .

Take care, best wishes!

[*freak*]

It takes me a few weeks or more to finally do something I have to do. Sometimes I just don't do it. I guess there's no "I'll just go out and do it" when you're depressed

Hugs