New here and I have depression. Here is my story (insanely long long long read)

Wow, I read your story and it SO reminded me of my own story with my first relationship. Only I was the girl, and my relationship was a long-distance one. And my boyfriend was the percussionist/gamer and we were both high-achiever AP type people.
We were together for 4 years, and I really put him through a lot of grief with my depression and personal decisions that I made. I can only say that your first relationship is very VERY hard to let go of, especially for people like us that are very analytical problem-solvers and sincere. It's hard for us to just "let go" lightly.
Nearly 3 years after that breakup (I was 20 then), I can say that it was the right decision even though at the time I thought we were going to get married and live happily ever after. People change so Much in their early 20's, and that's a good thing.
I needed to focus on me, and my depression and anxiety, and we needed to disentangle ourselves from one another and see what else was out there, not just for dating others, but for everything.
Things were very awkward for us after the breakup, but we still talked on the phone. I eventually stopped answering his calls, which was mean, but I needed to break away and he did too but he was never going to unless I did. It felt like my heart was ripping out, but I had held on to the relationship for longer than I should have anyways.
After time, I hear that he is doing well and has really come out of his shell without our codependent relationship. I never thought he would be out of my life, but what I'm trying to tell you is that IT CAN BE DONE AND YOU CAN MOVE ON, whether you stay friends or not.
I would encourage you to seek professional help--counseling is free and easy if you are in school--and to do it consistently. I hope this was sort of encouraging. You can PM if you want to talk more about the relationship thing--

PMed you Tamale thanks!

also a repost from the last page

I'm going to my psychiatrist for a follow up Wednesday. Do you think I should bring some sort of copy of what I have written in the OP and later posts. I feel like I could better express exactly how I feel now and how everything happened now that I've had time to think about it as a whole. Also I'm planning on going to my local was a community, but recently upgraded to a state college, and handing in some info, my transcripts, and hopefully get signed up for classes, and get my Financial Aid. That will be a bunch of major burdens lifted off me at once. I think with the help of my meds and as long as I concentrate, these gen ed classes are going to be a breeze.

-Bias

Ya, take those posts where you did the bullet points with you. I know they are long, but it will show your t where your mind is at and what needs the most work right.

Will you be receiving therapy from you psychiatrist (people abbreviate that as pdoc on here)? Either way, taking what you told us is a great idea. I cannot wait to hear your update from when you visit the doctor.

Well I think its like half an hour sessions, the first one was an "hour" but it ended up shorter than that". I think he's just going to be looking for an update.

Good quote. :-)

Terrible day today.

I was still upset from a lot of people on PC saying I should get over my EX and focus on me. I feel like they didn't understand where I was coming from.

Talked to my EX via text a little, wish we could talk in person, I can't say everything I need to fast enough, so I cut things short, and it sounds more accusative than I mean it to.

Went to Pdoc and we talked. He said that he doesn't know how it will work between my Ex and I, but that I need to set small goals, and try to reach them. Then I will have things more positive to talk to my Ex about and that may lead me where I want to go. We talked about a few other things, but I feel like the sessions are kinda short, probably because I'm long winded. He upped my prescription to 200mg and we were on our way (I am going to have to get my parents to try to pay for it because I have no money.

Then I tried to sign up for the college turned state college. Got through the proof of residence/ transcripts from old college. Went to talk to an Advisor, she said that I didn't have the Math/Reading requirement because I didn't have them at my old college and my SAT was over 2 years old and had expired. She said I had to take some ridiculous long (but probably incredibly easy for me) test before we could move on. Went to the testing people, who looked at my transcript and said "Well your AP/IB credits should take care of that. The problem was I didn't realize I needed my scores, because the credits already showed up on my transcripts. After a lot of bouncing back and forth for 4 hours, they finally said that they would assume I had them, and to bring the scores the next day (they were trying to get me to come in the morning earlier, and do everything tomorrow) and that I could sign up for classes. We then went to financial aid. I had already filled out the FAFSA which you need to get started. I had done it rather late, because I had a hard time motivating myself ever since the middle of when I was at college due to said depression, but early enough to where they had the info. Unfortunately there was more info (a lot of which was basically saying "prove it" to half the stuff we'd already done for the FAFSA) that I didn't realize I needed, and that info would take 3-5 weeks to process, meaning I didn't have the money for this semester (not until may more than likely), unless I started paying for classes out of pocket, which I can't afford . That would be fine, I'd just start classes later, but I (since December) had to start paying 50$ a month for my previous loan because I had been out of school so long. This would be deferred once I was in school, so I wouldn't have to worry about it had I gotten in. The problem is, I don't have the money now past this month because I've been out of work so long (and I don't think I could hold a job right now anyways because of my depression, and I'm not up to the full dosage until I see my Pdoc again in 3 weeks). My parents are both Custodians, so they don't have the money either.

So its basically a giant catch-22 and I don't know what to do. I cried the entire car ride home, and made my mom almost cry (she felt bad for bringing me to the college, but if she didn't I'd still be in the same predicament)

So yea. Feel like ****. finally stopped crying typing this. Am going to try to talk to my Ex about it and more because I obviously can't do anything regarding school (My "little goal") now.

Just got off the phone with My Ex. I think we understand each other now, and I feel like (in regards to dating) that I have the potential winning cards in my hand (dating) if I play them right, and if I don't I can still split the pot (have a healthy friendship with her) as opposed to a hand I should fold for a better one (Give up, and move on because I don't want to invest in said relationship)

I love analogies, and love them more when there are no holes in them.

Feeling a bit better.

OK, a totally frustrating day ( I want to cry just thinking about talking to a worker in the college registrar) you come home in pieces nearly, and you managed to salvage something anyway. Very good. VEry, very good. It can be hard to getover depression's all or nothing thinking to act positively when you already have had a very negative experience. I applaude you! Huggs

Yea. Speaking to her always made me feel better. Also once I stopped crying I didn't feel so bad (maybe the meds are helping). Of course then my Dad had to come in and start getting in my face about finishing all these paper work things that I didn't feel like doing.

So like always he's an uneducated asshole with no feelings.

People show their love in different ways.

Based on our history, I tend not to give him the benefit of the doubt, he's long since lost that privilege

Hey, about the student loans, you should be able to apply for an unemployment or hardship deferment, its extremely easy and they usually give it to you within a few days, if you have a late fee or anything already, they usually even take that off. Student loan people are genuinely extremely easy to deal with (as opposed to most other credit type people). I actually can do all my student loan stuff online and never even have to talk to human beings (yeah for me! I don't do well talking on the phone.)

I am sorry we've gotten you feeling down about the relationship. I promise, we are only looking at your situation from the outside and honestly saying what we think would be best for you. No one here would ever try to add to your pain. I hope things keep going better for you. And don't forget to get the hardship/unemployment deferment.

Hey. I wasn't sure if I technically qualified for either Unemployment or Hardship. I tried looking into it, but the way it was worded on the forms.

I've never filed for unemployment, and to be honest, because of my depression, am not really actively seeking a job, for fear I might lose it. From what the deferment form said, it seemed like I needed to qualify for Unemployment, which usually necessitates me actively seeking a new job (I think, I have no clue for sure).

As for hardship, It was worded so that I either needed to be getting State/Federal help, be in the Peace Corps, or be working full time, and have my income= less than some %age.

I also looked at disability deferment, but I doubt depression counts as a "bad enough" disability.

I'm not really good at understanding the legalities of the different requirements though so I could be very wrong. Do you have any idea if I could talk to anyone (online preferably) who would be able to better tell me if I qualify? I feel like I have a rather unique situation. I looked on the Stafford Loan website and even under Contact they didn't have any way to contact them (like those online chat help people, which I prefer dealing with).