I'm SUCH an idiot

So when my mom was up visiting she was looking at the books that I had on my bookshelf, and I gave her a few to borrow. One of which was the book Eat.Pray.Love. which I had *apparently* highlighted sections of but COMPLETELY forgot. Anyhow, tonight I get a phone call from her saying that there were highlighted portions of the book, and that it was pretty disturbing and she had to stop reading. These parts included talks about depression/loneliness and even mentioned parts about wanting to SI.

I nearly died. My family knows virtually nothing about me or my MI struggles, and for a VERY good reason.

I managed to say that I lent the book to my roommate who has had experiences with MI and that it was probably her who did that as I don't even highlight my text books (which albeit true, probably didn't come across quite as convincing as I would have liked).

I'm so scared that my mom knows my "secret," and no it will not help things because that was the one thing that I was able to have as "mine." There are many many trust issues between us, and I'm so scared that she will somehow use this information against me as she has in the past.

It's ironic how I so much need and search for some "motherly affection" yet I simply cannot accept any sort of communication between me and my actual mother. It's like I just completely shut down and can't handle any sort of closeness... I guess it works in my favour that there isn't much there to begin with.

sigh.

I don't know why I needed to post this... I'm just really worried and feeling like crap right about now

((((((((((jacq))))))))))

AH!! I'd be pretty upset if I did that too.

I wish I knew what to tell you about your trust issues. Do you have a T you could talk to, to ask about ways you might handle this book situation? I find therapists are generally pretty good at helping put out fires before they get too big.

There are things I keep secret from my family as well, mostly because they tend to harp on the smallest things to no end, and won't leave me alone to deal with life my own way. I try to keep my family informed on a need-to-know basis. Like you, I wish it were otherwise, but sometimes I think that part of growing up is having your own life, separate and distinct from your family's, and deciding for yourself what you want to share with them.

I'm sorry this happened. Try not to worry about it too much. Hopefully it'll all work out for the best.

There are also things I'd rather tell a perfect stranger than my own mother. In fact, I can't even cry in front of my mother, but I could in front of strangers. Weird, isn't it?

But I actually wanted to say, please, don't call yourself an idiot. You wouldn't call a good friend one, so don't say it about yourself.

((jacq))