[A_Long_ways]

I guess that's the only word to describe how I've been feeling lately. I feel like I don't have an identity. All I do is sit around and make excuses. I'm the worlds greatest procrastinator. I have these moments of clarity where everything seems so simple and easy, and I tell myself they're nothing but thoughts, if you can't control your own brain then what CAN you control. I stick my chin up and my chest out ready to change my existance into something meaningful but repeatedly lose my gumption at the last moment. Everyone around me just thinks I can snap out of it.

My mother, who once suffered from depression herself, told me I should "get a life". She says how embarassing I am, how all of her friends talk about their kids doing this and that and she has nothing to say about me. I believe she's starting to become depressed again. She has been increasingly critical of me, and is "losing patience" with my depression. I feel like my own problems are now impacting my loved ones. This in turn makes me feel even worse and I'm back to square one.

I just want this to be over with. Like I wanna just wake up tomorrow and have a job, a place to be. Something that validates my existance. I feel like if I died tomorrow, not a single thing in the world would change and my funeral would only have like 6 people there. I don't know how I let myself slip into this place. At this time last year I was brimming with confidence, working full-time, in a loving relationship and my mother was proud of me. Now, well.. yeah. I lost it all. First I lost my job, then my confidence started slipping, then I lost my love, and my confidence hit rock bottom.

I should be over this by now. I should be on with my life by now and not sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I'm trapped in this emotional quicksand where every time I try to pull myself out of it I sink deeper. I just want to be better.

[kjb1985]

I also feel the same way, empty. Also, at this time last year i had a job, a relationship, and some sort of promise in my life. Not so much either i lost all of that. I found that having to much time on my hands spirals my depression even further down because i am also a procrastinator and sometimes feel like it takes all my energy just to accomplish the simplest of things. I forced myself to return to college, and get a gym membership to consume some of my time until im able to find a job in the horrible economy or before my unemployment dries up. It is not easy for people like us but all you can do is try and hope that things get better

Are you receiving professional help?

[msolson81]

I am truly sorry that you are going through this. I feel the same way right now. Everything is such a struggle and I wish I could just "snap out of it." I too had many hopes for this past year, but am in a worse place emotionally and financially than I was a year ago. I'm just trying to take things a day at a time and hope for the best. I hope your spirits lift

[Bias Logic]

Hey man, I can certainly feel you on this front. I am in a similar situation, having dropped out of school, then lost my love, then lost a job. I felt at school for a long time like I was just lazy, or didn't care, and that everything was simple. But I couldn't bring myself to have any motivation to do much of anything, and it all slipped away. I've just recently sought help from a psychiatrist and he's got me on meds now, so hopefully you can seek some help too. You can't get better if you don't look for help.

Best wishes mate

-Bias

[lonegael]

(((((((ALongways))))))
((((((BiasLogic)))))))

[lynn P.]

Some people might think, we are what we do -meaning we identify ourselves by our job, marital status and by what we have. This isn't the true meaning of identity - you're still an important person. It's not your fault you're sick. How about you start out with small steps. I also highly recommend starting an exercise program- this will make you feel stronger in everyway. There also an advertisement for a good series on PBS today(4th) through the 6th at 9:00 pm called This Emotional Life - I hope you see something that will inspire you there. Best of luck in feeling better.

[trevorzero]

Your mother may be toxic to you right now. Perhaps you should write her out of your life for the time being.

[A_Long_ways]

Sorry for not replying, have just been a bit... out of it.

@Kjb, Msolson, Bias, sounds like we're all in the same crappy boat. I think it's about time we took over the captains quarters and steer this ship to brighter skies

@Byz, I started taking Lexapro but I haven't started therapy yet. I sent out two emails today to two possible therapists, no reply yet. I can't afford any of this but really I don't think I can afford NOT to do it either.

@Lynn, I agree completely. We are not the money we make, the house we live in or the significant other we cherish. However, they do help. I used to be very active at my gym, and still have my membership for a few more months, I just rarely go anymore. Maybe once a week I make it there, when it used to be 4 times a week at the least. I just don't have the same energy and drive I used to have. I haven't suddenly turned into an old man, so it must be the depression sapping my energy. I wanted to watch that show but completely forgot I was with my brother though, getting my mind off everything.

@trevor, For all of the negative things she has said to me recently, she also tries her best to encourage me and help any way she can. She's just going through a lot right now too, and I think she kinda looks at my problems like one more of her problems. I wouldn't call her toxic exactly, but she can be trying at times.

Your mother probably sees you as a reflection of herself. Mine, for example, fears that because I am a plus-sized woman, society will blame her for not training me in proper eating habits. Therefore, somehow diet and weight loss seem to come up in every conversation we ever have. She's been riding my @$$ about my weight since the start of puberty when I started to grow some curves--and long before I actually was clinically overweight. Which frustrates me, but I've learned not to let it affect my self-esteem. Sure I should lose weight, but her reaction to my body is her issue, not mine.

Depression, too, is something a lot of people blame on upbringing. Your mom is afraid that depression is a shortcoming on your part, which is a failure on her part. This is why she's so anxious for you to "snap out of it," even though it seems she should know better.

Here's a trick that helps me sometimes: Instead of making a to-do list and then checking things off as you do them, reverse the process. Accomplish something first, large or small, basic or whatever, then write it down. At the end of the day you have a list of things you have done that day, and it might help you feel more positive. When I'm down, even if all I can say is that I put away a load of laundry today, I feel better about myself.

Safe hugs to you.