[No_longer_sane]

Things have been getting steadily worse, I keep having to ask the teachers to be excused so I can run to the girls toilets and fall to pieces, and I can't even cry; I just clutch my head and try not to scream, or Ill be sat there and these waves of crushing emotional pain will wash over me, and I that's the only time when I feel like crying. I'm no fun to be around because I can't talk because Im either mentally preoccupied or scared that I might say something hurtful or crazy and they'll finally realise my mental health problems and depression and lock me up, and I hate being so weak and scared and vulnerable and paranoid, Ive dropped a clothes size recently, and Im so insane and mental and screwed up, and I know that no one ever likes me or will like me, and that no one cares or will ever care and it hurts so much, I just want to step in front of a moving car, and I almost did the other day.

[thine_self_untrue]

((((((((((((((((((nolongersane))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so badly! I've done the exact same thing you describe doing in the bathroom- holding my head and rocking back and forth, forcing myself to breathe and telling myself that it's okay and I'm safe. Wanting to cry and not being able to.
Why do you think they'll lock you up for depression? How could there be a forum for depressed people with active users who are depressed if everyone who suffered from depression got 'locked up'?
Hang on. Keep coming to PC. We care about you.

It seems all bad right now, and it takes extra effort to find the parts that aren't bad. Things will get better. People do and will like you.

If you feel you are in danger of actually harming yourself, please get immediate help. And do keep coming back here.

[No_longer_sane]

((Thineselfuntrue))This is gunna sound cheesey, but it's because everybody on here is human, a person, If I could take everybody here's pain on myself I would. But Im an unnatural freak. Because of the fact that I can't stand a bit of pressure and Im weak, that's why I got ADD and got depressed, and Im so stupid I can't cope, I don't even know how to act around people. I deserve to be locked up or something, If people knew what Im really like they would be disgusted.

[thine_self_untrue]

Originally Posted by No_longer_sane

((Thineselfuntrue))This is gunna sound cheesey, but it's because everybody on here is human, a person, If I could take everybody here's pain on myself I would. But Im an unnatural freak. Because of the fact that I can't stand a bit of pressure and Im weak, that's why I got ADD and got depressed, and Im so stupid I can't cope, I don't even know how to act around people. I deserve to be locked up or something, If people knew what Im really like they would be disgusted.

I have to disagree with you. I think depressed people can be quite strong. Many, many people have depression and KEEP ON GOING dispite thier pain and all the terrible, overwhelming things they feel. You have kept on going, you are still here. You are strong. You may not be as strong as you'd like, or as strong as someone else, but you are strong.
You can cope. You have been coping. I don't think you're stupid. I think you're confused and that you've been lied to. I don't think you're an unnatural freak. I don't think that's a very nice thing to say about anyone. I think we're all a lot more 'normal' than we think. We might feel like we're the only person to ever go through this, or feel these things, or think these thoughts, but if nothing else this forum should prove to you that you are not alone.
Is there any way that you can get help? Can you talk to/tell anyone about this?
Keep us posted No longer sane. Stay strong.

[No_longer_sane]

I'm not sure who I can tell. I used to tell my friend about this stuff but I don't wanna tell hm anymore, I don't want him to think I'm weak. I have no idea who I can talk to. x

[Rohag]

Hi, NLS!

Originally Posted by No_longer_sane

I have no idea who I can talk to.

OK, let's talk (post) it out, go back and forth.

Your assigned school counselor?
A better school counselor whether or not you're assigned to them?
School nurse?
Family doctor?
Clergyperson?

Any crisis line? (varies by location)
Emergency? (varies by location)

[No_longer_sane]

We havent got any school cousellors, but Ill try a hotline and see how it works, or Ill go to the doctors by myself soon, because my mums getting me checked out for ADHD, but she doesnt know about the depression side, and my dad actually laughed a the idea of a teen getting depressed, so Ill wait until I get a therapist or something and Ill tell them, but the system seems quite confusing.

Take care of yourself, No longer sane. You are being very courageous. Do what you have to do to make a better life for yourself.

I hope those high winds calm down soon. You sound so tormented. I wish I could say something to make a difference. I'm sure you had good days before and I'm sure you will have some again. Don't do anything impulsive. Once a little time passes things will change. Keep posting. It is a good release. Peace - Dennis

Originally Posted by No_longer_sane

Things have been getting steadily worse, I keep having to ask the teachers to be excused so I can run to the girls toilets and fall to pieces, and I can't even cry; I just clutch my head and try not to scream, or Ill be sat there and these waves of crushing emotional pain will wash over me, and I that's the only time when I feel like crying. I'm no fun to be around because I can't talk because Im either mentally preoccupied or scared that I might say something hurtful or crazy and they'll finally realise my mental health problems and depression and lock me up, and I hate being so weak and scared and vulnerable and paranoid, Ive dropped a clothes size recently, and Im so insane and mental and screwed up, and I know that no one ever likes me or will like me, and that no one cares or will ever care and it hurts so much, I just want to step in front of a moving car, and I almost did the other day.

[PeculiarGroove]

Sorry you are really going through it ((hugs)). Have you ever thought about writing an annonymous blog, to vent a bit? I found that very helpful x

[No_longer_sane]

Yeah, Jenna recommended one to me and I am building it up now, making a blog is actually quite good x

Have you been able to see a therapist?

[No_longer_sane]

Not yet, I can't tell my parents so that creates a bit of a problem.

[lonegael]

No longer sane, work with me now. Instead of trying to tell your parents "i'm depressed" have you tried telling them how it makes you feel? That you feel this immense pressure and that youfeel like freaking out? Giving them the diagnosis name might just have them write off your problem immediately just becasue it seems like so much. If this won't work, let me know, OK? Huggs hun. What a place to be in!

[feddy]

No longer sane...I can identify with you. I felt so much the same when I was in my teens. It took me until my early 20's to get real help and by then it had gone on for far too long. I didn't get help because my father also didn't believe that depression was real and he felt that time heals all. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist on my own and I was put on meds and I wound up keeping it a secret for years. My family knows now and they know about the relapse that I'm experiencing now too. My relationship with them has fundamentally changed, but that's because of the confidence I have because I got healthy. (Too bad I couldn't stay that way...)

Do what YOU need to do to get healthy. Right now, you need to be the most important person in your life. You can love your family, but you have to put yourself first. If you have to do it on your own, do it!!! Know this...you are NOT weak because you are depressed and you are NOT stupid because you can't cope. You are just going through a difficult time like everyone else on this site and like all of us, you need to take a time-out and get the support you need to get healthy again.