[SheilaJane]

Ugh! I don't know why I do half the s*** I do. I have an exam in sociology in 6 hours and I haven't been to class in weeks. In fact, I have only been to 5 classes so far this semester in soc. I can't stand myself. I am here, in college, which is something that a lot of people never get to do, and I am f***ing around and not doing any of my work or anything because I am too caught up in my own head. I am failing my anthropology class and I'm about to start failing my sociology class. On top of that, I skipped a three hour class today because I couldn't drag my sorry *** out of bed. I am behind in even the classes that I DO go to. I don't even know if catching up is an option... but if I don't, I'm going to need to take an entire extra YEAR of classes (because I am a social work major and senior year is all about field placement which you can't get halfway through the year.) And I can't even tell my mom about this because she will be so disappointed in me and I can't stand the idea of letting her down. I started smoking again this week even though I had quit for several months. I don't have a job. I can't drive even though I'm 21. I have blown off my counselor 3 times already since getting to school (haven't seen him all semester) and I'm supposed to go see him tomorrow and I'm wicked stressed about it cause I know that he is disappointed with me for not going to see him yet this semester. I hate it when I disappoint people. And I do it all the time. I don't even know why I'm here. I wasn't supposed to be. I'm the product of a one night stand between two people who met in AA. WTF? My parents weren't even that into each other when I was conceived. They just wanted a f*** buddy for the night. And BAM. then there's me. My father apparently tried to kill me a couple of times when I was a baby (in passive ways... like leaving sharp things or pieces of balloons in my crib so I would cut myself or choke) and my mom told me this while in our kitchen and relating the events to my foster sister. She turned to me as an afterthought and said "I hope that that didn't upset you." I mean... what the hell? Why would that upset me? My father who I did not know at all at this point... the guys that I DREAMED would come and tell me he loved me not only didn't love me, but he hated me enough to try to kill me?? And my mom didn't think that that would upset me? And then there's my stepfather who was an abuse prick and is now trying to be all paternal. I really have no idea where god has been in my life, but he is a sadistic bastard if he exists. I'm sorry for rambling. I have been holding in that thing about my dad forever. I know him now. I see him a couple of times a year. He is a recovering heroin addict who is also bipolar. Since he's been back in my life he has attempted suicide twice. He says he loves me and so does my mom and my step father for that matter... but how can they love me when they do things like this? And how am I supposed t love myself when my parents, the people who are supposed to love me most, don't give a f*** about me? My mom uses me for support. She cries to me when dates go badly and expects ME to watch out for my younger brothers during her divorces and such... because OF COURSE they don't affect me. I am so tired of being strong for everyone, but I don't know how to do anything else. And I can't even open up to my counselor about any of this deeper stuff because I feel like I NEED to be the strong one. The only time that I am honest is when I am drunk and with my friend. And then, this poor girl, has to deal with me cry and talking about how much I hate myself. I am so sick of it! I don't even know why I am writing this... I guess being over tired is about the same as being drunk sometimes and I felt the need to talk about it but the one friend that I trust enough to unload on is asleep. So I came here. I hate posting this because I feel like I am just calling out for pity and sympathy. I don't even know how to ACCEPT those things from other people. I am the one who is always GIVING them.





I just wish I wasn't so screwed up. I wish that I could stop the pain and the anger. I wish that I could connect with people and have real friendships and relationships. I wish I could be something closer to human.

Hello, SheilaJane. Why not copy your post and give it to your counselor tomorrow?

[SheilaJane]

I'm just a little... IDK... I mean, I'm hesitant to do that. I just don't know what will happen if I do. What the reaction will be. I can usually predict people's reactions to things pretty well... in this situation, I have no idea... and I just feel like walking in blind will just make it worse. Maybe I will do that.

[Yoda]

Whoa, slow down! You have got a whole lot going on in your life. It is no wonder you are feeling so stressed.

Which things can you change and which things can you NOT change?

FYI - Many people who go to college for a four year degree take at least five years to complete the classwork. Perhaps you should drop a class or two that you are failing and concentrate more on the ones you doing okay with.

You can't change that your parents were bad parents. You can't change that your mother is inappropriate now but you can change how you respond to her. I know you care about your brothers and I'm not sure exactly what the best way to change your response would be but perhaps you could talk to a therapist?

I can understand your frustration.

If nothing else, ShielaJane, the copy will help refresh your memory. My hope is you will have a copy for both of you. There is work to do and you may as well get started.

Best wishes.

[eskielover]

going to start with the fact that it took me 8 years to get my BS degree in Accounting & computer Science......so don't sweat the length of time it takes you.....get that off your stress list.....so you can start working on some of the other issues.

I will say the one thing that I kept telling myself....you college education & future are your only ticked OUT OF WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW & WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN. You need to focus on this in the future so you don't mess up college completely & loose that ticket out of the horrible life you have had to put up with so far......no need to continue to have to put up with something you don't like. That is probably the only thing in the whole mess you do have any control over.

I do think that taking what you wrote here to your counselor is a wonderful idea......he needs to undertand what you are going through so he can help you salvage what ever you possibly can this semester & understand what you are going through so that he can understand why college is so important for you to get out of that mess also & help you plan the future of your college so that you can successfully get through it.......even if that means taking less classes each semester & taking a few years longer to get your degree.....NO BIG DEAL....but it is a big deal to get through college & successfully climb out of the messy place you are in......if he reads what you wrote, he will have a better understanding of the situation you are in....which will allow him to help you plan wisely your future for success......which is what everyone wants for you....including what you should want for yourself.

Will say that mistakes happen & sometimes children are the result.....but God has a purpost for every child that is born whether we can see it at the time or not. That purpose isn't being what you have been for your mother or siblings either.....it's a higher purpose than that. Sometimes it's necessary to dump our past....it's over & done with.....the people have messed us up as much as we want to allow them to & we need to break from that & get on with our lives. I know that going to college, you are probably tied financially to your mother & family.....sometimes we just have to grin & bear it until we get through, say our thank you's get on with the life we need to have & put the abuse behind & make our own lives into what we know is right (not following their poor values or morals standards).

It is important to care for ourselves....our value doesn't come from what value our parents put on us....it come from the place we hold in this world & the path we have to walk & the people who are a positive influence in our lives not the ones we feel tear us down......the only thing we need to learn from them is that we don't want to be anything like them.....& throw the rest away.

I know that you are going through a horrible time right now......counselors know that students have problems & sometime have semesters they need to scratch off the books due to problems.....they are also there to help you succeed & help you plan for success not failure.....so it is important to let them know the facts about what you are dealing with so they can help you plan & help you get the help you need to deal with all of this also......be open to the suggestions & see what they have to offer to help you get through this rough time.......by going, it will also help you feel better because they will be able to help you get some of the stress gone for this semester & know what you need to do about it.....maybe you can only save one class, but that's better than none at the rate you are going.....your counselor can help you work out a plan rather than having you continue to stress over it.

GO TO THAT APPOINTMENT TODAY>>>>YOU WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER IF YOU DO.

Wishing you the best.......your parents are insensitive & cruel the way you have been treated & still are being treated by your mom. Don't be surprised that if in your future there is a time where you have to separate yourself completely from your family so you can take care of yourself......but first take care of getting through college so that you can make a life for yourself. All we ever can do is take care of ourselves #1.......if we don't love ourselves, we can't love anyone else (which is probably why you aren't feeling any reall love from anyone around you because they don't love themselves).....just because someone throws out the word love....doesn't mean there is any feeling behind it if they have no idea what love really is....

Take care of yourself & love yourself......sometimes it feels like it's you against the world.....that is when you need to stand strong & care about yourself & the difference you really can make in life....you can do it.....but it doesn't feel like it when you are stressed & worried.....things will look up in the future....but you are the one that has to keep the light on & keep focusing on the end of the tunnel & your way to freedom.


Debbie