[Inky]

So I found out this morning that my mother is systematically killing my sisters with stress.

I got a call from my older sister, who I think is thirty or thirty-one, and she told me that my mother had told our aunt, right in front of her, that she thought my sister was a 'wuss' who wouldn't ever help us out.

Hm.

Well, ma, how about you look at the fact that, if we weren't using her SUV because you can't make a car payment, you wouldn't be able to make a house payment or buy food because I wouldn't be able to get to work and do those things for you.

How about you look at the fact that she tried to put you through school and you dropped out.

How about you look at the fact that she's your daughter no matter what she does and you're a selfish ***** who does nothing but wallow in self-pity and make snide remarks at the people who are giving up their lives to help you?

So this morning the first thing I heard was that my older sister was admitted to the hospital because of chest pains.

I thought about calling in to work, but instead I called her, and she told me they'd let her go, given her a couple of pills for anxiety and said her heart was, thank God, fine.

I went to work.

I called my younger sister because I left a customer's order at home and needed the number, and she was, as usual, asleep.

She sleeps all day to avoid having to live in this house.

She's also got killer OCD, permanent bags under her eyes and a frame that weighs ninety pounds soaking wet.

She's a real-life Cinderella. We can't have a conversation on Google Talk from across the house because she's up and down at all hours of the day and night doing whatever mom asks.

She's up at three a.m. doing laundry.

If she passes my kid off to me, mom asks if the little ***** is on vacation.

Me, I'm the Golden Child, I don't have to do anything, I don't get sniped at.

Why?

I bring home money. I'm the sole support of the household. If you're earning a living and giving it to her, then you're okay in her book. You're a human being as long as you're a money-maker.

And the guilt of that is what's going to kill me.

I took an apartment listing book from the bank today.

I don't know if I could abandon my parents to their own self-destructive personalities and the very real possibility of being homeless, but I feel like if I don't do something my daughter will grow up as f***** up as my sisters.

I keep my own dysfunction under wraps for the sake of everyone else.

I haven't eaten anything in three days. I had a beer at lunch today, sitting in a rather depressing and over-priced barbeque place with my Coors and listening to my iPod while people tried to figure out whether the skeleton in the booth across the way was male or female.

I smoke a pack and a half a day, I don't sleep, I'm always angry but I act like the nicest person you could ever hope to meet.

People say it's amazing that I turned out 'normal'.

Newsflash. I haven't. I'm just a Hollywood-caliber actor.

I'm thinking about taking Cinderella for her first beer tomorrow, since our plans for her twenty-first were canceled due to lack of gas money.

My plans for escape are ruined by the fact that I can't get the money together for transportation when I'm so busy trying to keep our heads above water.

I could call us a cab and we could ***** about our problems over a beer.

I think that's about as good as life is apt to get these days.

[starrina]

wow what does one say to that
nothing because there is nothing that
I can say that is going to change it but I can
give you a most sincere hug (((((((((( inky ))))))))
and ask that you try to remember you are important to.

[eskielover]

Wow, all I can say to that also is that like your sister, where there is an end of the rope, the end of the script for the actor, & the balloon gets so full it bursts.

My gut feeling is that you just haven't arrived at that point yet........but I would strongly suggest that if you continue on this path, the end of the road won't be a good one for you & that NOW is the time to get some real help with what you are going through.

Sometimes we have to put a halt to all the wrong things that are going on around us for everyone's well being.....it's not easy....it's a lot of work & a lot of hopefully team work from all your sisters & as much family as you can get to join together.

I am sure you have a strong sense that the direction this is going to is leading to some really bad things that one can't really predict accurately without professional help......but right about now I would start regrouping & putting together a plan of action so that the disaster that is looming in the future can be avoided.

With any change, there is pain, but sometimes the pain we go through now with the necessary change is a lot less than the pain we end up with if the changes aren't made.

Hopefully you can get the right professional help to guide you all together in the right direction to not only help yourselves, but truly help your mother who sadly needs some "tough love" from all of you.

Many for you & all your sisters & family......& much strength to get through all that is ahead of you & my best wishes. I know that I could not have lasted as long as you have without completely blowing up at everyone.

[ECHOES]

inky, that situation sounds so hard to be in. Your primary responsibilities are you and your daughter now. Your parents are adults and live their lives the way they choose. You can care about them without rescuing them or doing for them what they can do for themselves.

Your daughter's childhood has an expiration date, so to speak. Do what you need to do to take care of you and to give your daughter a healthy environment to learn and grow and thrive, and to have all the attention and love from you that she needs.

[daytimedreamer]

Sorry your Mom is giving you all such a hard time. I hope that you feel brave enough to dump her on her *** someday. It is not fair of her to put you three through all of this. You have all done your time with her and now she needs to put her big girl pants on and start supporting herself.

I am from a family of three kids as well. I have a brother who is a year younger, and a sister who is three years younger.

My Mum was always a flighty person. After my parents divorced when I was 5, my Mum went from man to man, taking all their money and getting them to pay our rent, groceries, etc. When the well went dry, she'd meet someone new and the old guy would be on his way.

When I was 16, my Mum ran off to another country to be with a man she met in a BDSM chat room and left us with our alcoholic father and his abusive wife. His wife ended up kicking my brother out of the house for playing too many video games (my Dad had to come home from his own mother's funeral to pack my brother's bags and drive him away) and I was kicked out not long after that because I spent too much time alone and because my Dad would rather talk to me than to her. While I lived there, my Dad would spend every day telling me about their relationship troubles and telling me all the trash she was talking about us behind our backs.

My brother went to live at his friend's house and my Dad paid rent to his friend's mother to cover the extra expenses. I rented my own apartment using my inheritance money.

Eight months later, my Mum had moved back out on her own again and my brother and I went to live with her because we had nowhere else to go. She spent most of her time with her new boyfriend, so my brother and I took care of the apartment and got jobs to pay the rent. My Mum didn't work, so she only had the child-support money to cover bills.

A year later, I met my fiance and moved to a different city with him.

Meanwhile, my father divorced his wife because she was bugging him about his drinking, so my brother moved back in with him to attend a college near his place.

About a year later, my Mum rang me. She had broken up with her boyfriend and didn't have any money. She needed a place to stay. We agreed to let her stay with us. She stayed in our living room, free food, free rent. Complained the entire time about everything we did. She moved out four months later, but only because she got back together with the boyfriend and he gave her enough money for her to get her own place. I honestly think she was expecting us to give her money, rather than let her stay with us until she got back on her feet.

A few months after that, my sister called me, bawling, begging me to help her get away from my father. His drinking had completely spiraled out of control. He was drinking and driving every single day, bringing beer to work, drinking beer from the moment he woke to the moment he passed out on the couch every night. So, my fiance and I paid for her plane ticket and she came to live with us for a few months.

She got a job at a bakery and my Mum begged her to move in with her. "It will be so fun!" she said. My sister was still hoping to have a good relationship with Mum at that point, so she agreed and moved in. She paid part of the rent and in return she slept on Mum's couch and was given a bookshelf to put her stuff on.

My Mum got a part-time job at a hotel as a server, but quit a few months later because she didn't like people telling her what to do. She told my sister she needed to pay more rent and never got another job after that. She just lived off her boyfriend and my sister.

My sister finally reached her breaking point two months ago and moved in with a co-worker a few weeks ago. It's been good for her and my Mum and her boyfriend will just have to work it out on their own.

My brother is still living with my father. They never speak to each other and their relationship is completely dysfunctional. My brother spends his entire day in his room and my Dad splits his time between work and the bar. My brother does nothing all day, and my Dad is afraid to push him because he doesn't want to live alone. When my sister moved out, he called her and made her feel guilty for leaving him for months. Even though they don't speak, my brother is all that he has.

I don't know why I wrote out this whole novel. Sorry for spamming your page. I guess what I am trying to say is that I know how it is to have totally screwed up parents. To feel like you are responsible for their care because they are your family and they took care of you when you were little. It's the least you could do, right?

In reality, you need to just leave them to their own devices at some point. There is a difference between helping someone and enabling them. If your Mom wanted help, she would take only what you can afford to give and would give back as much as she could. She is not doing that. She is using you for everything you've got and then asking for more. If you don't cut the ties, that pattern of behaviour will never, ever end. There would be no reason for it to end. If you were getting everything you wanted and you didn't have to do anything for it, would you change?

It was not fair to the three of you, and it is not fair to your daughter to grow up in that kind of environment. Kids are smart and take in information like a sponge. Are these the life lessons you want her to soak up?

Leave, Inky. The drama never ends.

[Elana05]

Hi Inky,

It is difficult but important to methodically begin to move away from poisonous people. It does not mean you lose (if any) the love you have for them. I love my mom (when she is the "good"mom) but I realized three years ago that she is poisonous for me and I had to move away. It's a similar situation in that she is always the victim and I was more like your sister and spent 20+ years striving to "fix it" for her. It's important to get away from this group, even if it's just to have some room to breathe and room to think straight. You can't make decisions for anyone else. We are all responsible for ourselves only. You can be an example by refusing to be the brunt of the manipulation. It really helped me to talk about it in therapy first. This is only my advice from personal experience. Please take only what you need from it. Good luck.