Not again!!! *MAY TRIGGER*

off work again!!!!

didn't even manage 3 weeks- i am a joke

i have crashed and burned again. I had a meeting with my boss and she was saying you need a doc app as you are not ready to come back. Ironically i had an app that day with my gp. Anyways i was like i will be back after my days off don't worry, broke down in tears in her office. Haha!!! What a joke..... Broke down in my gp's room.... Ended up getting signed off work for 4 more weeks and also have been slowly took off of mirtazipine my anti-depressant. I will be given a new one next tuesday... No idea what she is gonna put me on though.

my gp told me she was signing me off and i argued with her that i am needing work to keep me going, she said she is signing me off as she doesn't think i am coping.

i am having s thought's... Hence her telling me to stay with my parents and to talk about me more. She was pretty worried for me and was asking if i had anymore thoughts or was thinking of harming myself in any other way.

i won't go into details of what i was thinking as i know you are not allowed to write etc s things... I was low lets put it that way.

so i am screwed big time.

i don't know what to do anymore. My gp is really nice and she made me cry... She was like your ok, just let it out as i apologise when i cry which is annoying btw

so i contacted my counsellor and asked for my app to be brought forward. Had it today and also still getting my friday app too. Really helped having my session today too.

my counsellor picked me up from the bus stop as its in another town from where i stay. She drove to the waterfront as it was a great sunny day. She asked if i minded having my session in the car as she thinks i need to open up more and thinks i defo need the space to do it this was ideal as no one was around etc. It was actually good to not be talking in a room but in a big open space- blue sky and sea and mass's of space... Breathing space.

we spoke about this week's problems and we explored my thoughts and feelings surrounding all of this. Then she asked me to explain to her what were the things i was "hiding" from her. I said they were really trivial etc etc. When i told her she spoke about my life now and from what she has been told about my past and we came to a conclusion that i am wanting to control things as i feel i have no control and i was controlled as a kid etc. Anyways she says she thinks from what i have been saying is that my gp doesn't think i have clincial depression but more so sever depression. She said to me you look like your away to cry, you can cry if you need to as its perfectly normal. I said no i am fine i have done enough crying and i don't think i could handle crying even more. She said i need a good cry so its ok to cry... But no i am stubborn

she has given me stuff to do mainly so outside as she says she has a feeling i haven't been going outside and out of the flat. This ironically was what my gp said too.

i know everyone is looking out for me and i only really realised it when my best mate was speaking to me before my gp app. She said to me either i tell my doc everything or i will end up being sectioned under the mental health act while having a breakdown in work. She says i know your a proud person and that would finish you off i think. That made me sit up and though god get a grip come on laura you can do this.

i was telling her today about my wake up call and she says she really had too as i just wasn't listening to reason etc. She says i need to remember people love me and like me and respect me. But if i ever do commit s then i have a lot of people to let down etc etc.

i am really scared now, but i scared myself when i thought about things that i shoudln't etc

feeling better after all my crying and talking

I'm am blown away by all this, Laura! You are very brave for this post. I wish I would've met you sooner.

So now you're diagnosed with Major Depression? That is what I have!

You sound very lucky to have doctors that care about you and a best friend (Mate). Please keep us posted on how you're doing. I'd be interested to know which med the GP puts you on...

Now that's the way to have a session!

Continuing to follow your story with hope...

Your strength astounds me Laura, pushing through hell and back is no easy task. The open space sessions definitely sound like a good idea, get some rest and take care.

~Monsieur

Thanks guys,

I really needed to hear your words of encouragement etc....

My life is nothing compared to some of you guy's lives... I am trying to survive and beat this depression.

Well I am unsure what I have as a diagnoisis as my GP hasn't really said. My GP had said last month she thinks I may be a hypo-manic which is on the Bipolar Spectrum... but now I am unsure. My counsellor says she thinks my GP thinks I have major depression.

I really enjoyed the open space work... she had never done it before and it was kinda like a weight lifted off of me as there was all this space to look out into. Where my counsellor is based is on the coast across from my town. Looking out onto the water you could see my town but to the right was nothing but sea and sky and then to the right of that a forest. I manily focused on the forest with occassional glances straight in front of me to the "new workd" out there of sea and sky.

I hope I can do this on Friday too?? Maybe you never know.

I still have the notion(s) of never getting better and I have asked all my friends/my GP and my counsellor and they have all said I will in time.

A lot of my friends have studied mental health at uni or college so they know more about it than me at times. I am worried as my best mate asked me to say to my GP about a psychologist... The waiting list is 1 year. So I asked if there was anyone else I could try and my GP suggested a psychiatrist. I am really scared though. My mate says I am just thinking of the stogma associated with psychiatrists. She thinks I NEED a psychiatrist asap. So I guess my GP will discuss it on Tuesday when I go back.

Today I have felt really good esp after my session..... Its 110am and I am still wide awake. I am not tired. God don't you just loving taking a sedative which doesn't knock you out haha!!!

I don't know what my GP will put me on next??? I have had Prozac and then Mirtazipine so don't know whats next

I am just worried about the side-effects as I never had any side effects off of the Mirtazipine tablets.

Hope you guys are all well... well as well can be!!!

THANK YOU AGAIN, I REALLY NEED PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND ME TO LISTEN AND HELP ME OUT.... YOU GUYS ARE A LIFE SAVER FOR ME

(((((((( Miss Laura ))))))))

Wow! Scotland...what I would give to live there!!!

I'm glad to hear you are doing better! I would definitely agree with your friend about the pyschiatrist. They are very helpful...and they manage your meds too.

Thanks guys,

Just struggling though- just everything seems too quiet now

Hi again, Miss Laura!

Back in your original post here you said,
I think you're on to something. For some people, inactivity can be as stressful as activity. While you're off work, I wonder if there isn't some low-stress, fulfilling pastime you could find to meet your creative needs. Now might be a great time to experiment.

May the coming weeks be restful and provide happy surprises!

ARGH!!!!

I AM SO PEEVED OFF. I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO MY SISTER ABOUT ME AND WE ENDED UP HAVING A FIGHT. I AM SICK OF THIS. I AM TOLD TO TELL THE PEOPLE WHO "APPARENTLY" LOVE ME BUT HOW CAN I IF THEY ACT LIKE THAT. WE SPOKE A WEE BIT ABOUT ME AND THEN WE STARTED FIGHTING. THEN I AM MADE TO FEEL LIKE THE BADDIE IN ALL THIS. I JUST CANT BE F####ED ANY MORE. WHY THE HELL DO I BOTHER. I FEEL LIKE NO ONE WANTS ME AS MY FLAT MATE THINKS I SHOULD STAY WITH MY PARENTS BUT MY PARENTS DON'T WANT ME. MY SISTER TURNED TO ME AND SAID "WELL THINK OF ALL THE FIGHTING THAT WENT ON WHEN YOU WERE HERE, WE HAVE BEEN HAVING A GREAT TIME WITHOUT YOU BEING HERE" WHAT A COW!!!!!!

I AM RAGING AS ITS ALL PINNED ON ME AND ALL THE FIGHTING IS ALL MY FAULT NO ONE ELSE'S JUST ALL MINES. ARRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT AM I GONNA DO IF MY FLAT MATE SAYS SHE WANTS ME OUT??? THE FLAT IS IN HER NAME I AM JUST A LODGER. WHAT IF SHE SAYS SHE WANTS ME OUT AND MY PARENTS QUITE CLEARLY DON'T WANT ME. SO I AM YET AGAIN A LONER- SURPRISE SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!

rohag,

my counsellor has given me things to do when i am off. I have made a timetable up for my entire 4 weeks off. Everything she says should be included ie execise, reading etc etc

so when i see her tomorrow she is gonna look at it.