[ChinaDoll531]

I am so SICK of getting up every morning, trying to put my best foot forward, and falling on my face as soon as I walk out of the room. Everyday I get up, get dressed, listen to something uplifting, eat breakfast, go for a walk, read, visit the neighbors and their kids, etc. And still I feel like this... My husband is in school and works part-time. I work at home providing childcare. Twin, 5 month old boys. I love them so much!!! Since I have them 6 days a week second shift I try to get housework done early. yet, it usually doesn't get done at all. my dishes are piling up, my living room is a mess, the bathroom's disgusting... but I just can't seem to muster up the energy...
I spend so much time feeling empty and lost. I have so many things to be happy about, but nothing soaks in... I can barely gather the energy and desire to be intimate with my husband. our relationship suffers so much because of me. Not just in more personal areas, but just in general. I never get anything done, when he's home I bury myself in the babies and ignore in, yet I get mad when he goes upstairs and doesn't spend time with me. I cry all the time, about everything. it just happens all of a sudden and I can't stop. I angry and aggitated constantly. I can't sleep, which only makes things worse. Not to mention the fact that O have zero interest in pretty much anything...I thought I was past this! I thought this part was over! I got on my meds, got everything adjusted. I was fine. things were fine... but now... I'm right back where I started a year ago. is it really going to help to go back to the doctor for a higher dose of meds. every other time it's worked for a couple months, then I'm crashing again, then we up it, I'm fine for a couple months, then I'm crashing... on and on and on... I want my life back!!!! that is, if I ever had a "normal" life to begin with. things have been so messed up for so many years that I wouldn't recall it anyway... I guess I've just lost hope recently and need to feel some sort of reason to keep going...

[LogicandJeans]

It sounds like it might be a good idea to see a therapist or at least someone you can talk to. Also have you thought about maybe taking some time out for yourself? I mean just a day or two just for you to relax and do things that you enjoy.

[Rohag]

Hi, ChinaDoll531!

Originally Posted by ChinaDoll531

...but now... I'm right back where I started a year ago.

On the one hand, you're correct. On the other, in that year you learned what doesn't work, or what works only temporarily. In a long-term battle against depression, "failures" can be as valuable as "successes."

None of the above can make you feel any better. But it's knowledge you can impress upon your caregivers (provided they're willing to actually listen to you).

By the way, lack of energy and focus are also characteristic of my personal experience of depression. "My room" looks like...well, no need to get into that...

[ChinaDoll531]

I know, I really do need to start seeing a therapist... My doctor was supposed to set something up, but she hasn't done it. and I'm broke... which makes it kind of hard... not very many people do that kind of thing for free... I was going to start meeting with my pastor, but my family is just too close to him. he's involved in my everyday life. it would be too difficult...

yeah, I really do need some time off... we're supposed to be going on vacation next month sometime, but it seems so far away... I've thought about asking for a couple days off, but I need the money!

my husband and I got in another arguement last night. which of course ended in my crying and making an *** of myself. he was upset because I don't talk to him about what's going on in my head. I couldn't take it. I was so mad that he of all people, having been through this so many times himself, would say that. I burst into tears and ran upstairs to hide in the dark. he of course came upstairs and laid down beside me and calmed me down and apologized (even though it wasn't really his fault). I try to talk to him, I do... I just don't know how to put it into words. and on the rare occassions that I do, it's just so hard to look my husband in the eye and tell him I'm falling apart from he inside out...

I have an appointment with my doctor next week, so we'll see what comes of that. I really need to find a new doctor though... she's alright and all, but I feel like she's going off the textbook and doesn't really know what she's talking about sometimes. she's just a physian.

Maybe it is time to have your general practitioner refer you to a psychiatrist for an evaluation and appropriate treatment? In my experience, talking to a psychiatrist as opposed to your family doctor was a difference like night and day.

You need help. The longer you wait the harder it will be. Good luck.

[LogicandJeans]

I think it sounds like trying to get a referral to a psychiatrist is a good idea. In the meantime, I would suggest trying to make sure you take time out to do nice things for yourself. It doesn't need to be that long each day, just long enough to have some nice relax time for yourself... take a nice relaxing bath by yourself, listen to some relaxing music, eat food you enjoy, etc. Just make sure they are not things that you feel obliged to do. The idea is to be nice to yourself and let your mind have a rest every day.

As for expressing yourself to your husband, have you thought of writing everything you are feeling down while he is not there and then just giving that to him. That is also a useful tool for a therapist. It's hard sometimes to get everything that is bothering you out.

[IndigoRose]

If you're not getting lasting results from your medication, and you don't seem happy with the results you're getting from your doctor, then it's definitely time to find someone new that is going to "get it".

[ChinaDoll531]

I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. we both agreed that it was time for me to see a psychiatrist. So, I have an appointment for next friday. hopefully it will go well...

[kebsfroggy]

Originally Posted by ChinaDoll531

Not to mention the fact that O have zero interest in pretty much anything...I thought I was past this! I thought this part was over! I got on my meds, got everything adjusted. I was fine. things were fine... but now... I'm right back where I started a year ago. is it really going to help to go back to the doctor for a higher dose of meds. every other time it's worked for a couple months, then I'm crashing again, then we up it, I'm fine for a couple months, then I'm crashing... on and on and on... I want my life back!!!! that is, if I ever had a "normal" life to begin with. things have been so messed up for so many years that I wouldn't recall it anyway... I guess I've just lost hope recently and need to feel some sort of reason to keep going...

I sounds to this frog of little brain that you are having some of the problems I went through for awhile. Your body is adjusting to the meds so even though you take them as perscribed you are right back where you started. The frustration was unbelievable.

If you feel comfortable with your pdoc then continue to work with him/her. If you are beginning to feel he is not helping then try another doctor. My pdoc is a great believer in "if you don't like what you are told get another opinion, and another and another" until you are comfortable with your care.

You may find that getting a therapist can help. I use mine to vent. The dirty clothes are piling up, the dish washer is full and so is the sink. And you expect me to make dinner?

You are not alone many of us have had the same problems. We are here to listen and support. Some will not understand and some like this frog of little brain forget what they said as soon as we click submit reply.

kebs and there are still dirty dishes in the sink.