[swtjane12]

I have been struggling with depression for over a year. I had a stressful promotion directly and was dumped by a boyfriend I thought was "the one" (even though we were together less than a year). As my work stress and isolation grew, so did my obsession with my ex, leading me to therapy.

Things got worse during busy season at work. I would sob and contemplate suicide on a regular basis. My obsessive emailing to the ex got worse when I was stressed and depressed. I finally decided I had to lose the job to get well. I knew I needed a less stressful life or I would be in deep trouble. So I left the job (mutually - my employer wanted to restructure anyway).

Just a week after I was free of the job my mother had a heart attack. I flew back to where she lives, which is in an isolated rural area. For various reasons, including the fact that I don't drive, I feel trapped. I feel terribly guilty for thinking this, but I feel like the energy and opportunity I had for starting a new life is gone. My chance to get life on track dissipated before my eyes.

I also feel very alone in the world now. I don't have a significant other or close friends. I see my Mom struggling with her health and I selfishly fixate on the probability that when this happens to me I will have no one to be there for me.

I want to be strong and whole to help my mother through this, but I feel fragile and less centered than anyone else around me. I feel invisible, as I have no purpose now. Even caring for my mother is my father's primary job - I'm just helping.

So I started messaging my ex in the hope of support during this time, which was a huge mistake. He was not supportive and I ended up emailing him anyway. He blocked me. this has made me incredibly depressed and guilty.

I feel I have no one in my corner and little strength to pull myself up. Since leaving my job I no longer have a therapist. My therapist recommended anti depressants, but I knew that if I could get my life in order (exercise, diet, support group) I wouldn't need them. Now I can't get my life in order, but I do not have the finances for therapy and meds either.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, just a place to put this.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Swtjane12! Your post serves well as a brief introduction to your story. Thank you.

I'm impressed you left a job to reduce stress in your life, accepting the uncertainties that decision entailed.

What do you think would give you a sense of purpose?

[1flagwriter]

swtjane,

You seem to have alot going on and from 38 years of experience, it sounds like depression has tapped you on the shoulder and wants to dance.

You really should move past the ex b/f. It sounds as if he's moved on. Is there any way that your parents could help you get reestablished? Maybe co-pay for a regular doctor's appt. to get you on meds?

I hope you feel better soon. Please post again soon, so we know how you are doing?