Depression - bipolar - confession

Mar 21, 2010, 02:00 PM

Severe Bipolar plus.....
never ending list of diagnosis's - pooh

Before the holidays.
Financial situations due to the economy.
From deaths of siblings.
LOST relationship that had just been found from long ago.
Medication changes still don't work

Called Doctor to be treated less than

Exited house maybe twice in months.
My roommate is unemployed - doesn't mind running all over. Be better if they got a job.

Never leave my room.

Have plenty of Movies queued on Hulu and DVR t.v. recorder.

There is nothing inside me.
I am dead.

My cheeks to heavy to lift my lips into a smile.
It remains over - end, is dead.

No matter, praying, saying, chatting, talking, sharing, comparing -
Diminishing into nothing.

I am in the nothingness.

I am a vapor of smog.

Smothering from the fog.

So heavy it holds me to the bed.

No motivation to even eat.

I exercise in a zombie mind, until the timer goes off.

P.J.'s have become my wardrobe.

The phone rings - Though I answer - I don't remember it had even rang. Had conversations that later had to confirm were real.

Dreams are vivid to the point that I think I've already completed a task or finished a conversation.

Days go by - I knew not - Didn't matter - I've nothing pending.

My bipolar is almost usually on the HYPE side. Obviously not now.

This down side - could kill me. Breathe to exist. Exist - 'this too shall pass''

No pretty words, no up lifting thoughts, no gets better, hang in there.....

All of choice. Out of reach, far beyond the only passing that is fog.

The only choice I make is to not make.

Smog is my Halo.

Rohag · Mar 21, 2010, 04:22 PM

((((((( Starlite! )))))))

A wish: May your emptiness soon be filled with all the most beautiful things you've ever dreamed.

A reality: Real flesh-and-blood people behind these screen-names and avatars wish that wish for you.

googley · Mar 21, 2010, 10:12 PM

(((((((Starlite))))))))
I'm sorry you are feeling so low for so long. Lots of hugs for you. I hope you are feeling better soon!

turquoisesea · Mar 21, 2010, 10:22 PM

(((((starlite)))))

I'm so sorry. Wishing you had a halo of pixie dust =)

Is there anyone you can call who can help? Please take care of yourself, can change meds at all?

Mar 21, 2010, 11:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starlite*111

Severe Bipolar plus.....
never ending list of diagnosis's - pooh

Before the holidays.
Financial situations due to the economy.
From deaths of siblings.
LOST relationship that had just been found from long ago.
Medication changes still don't work

Called Doctor to be treated less than

Exited house maybe twice in months.
My roommate is unemployed - doesn't mind running all over. Be better if they got a job.

Never leave my room.

Have plenty of Movies queued on Hulu and DVR t.v. recorder.

There is nothing inside me.
I am dead.

My cheeks to heavy to lift my lips into a smile.
It remains over - end, is dead.

No matter, praying, saying, chatting, talking, sharing, comparing -
Diminishing into nothing.

I am in the nothingness.

I am a vapor of smog.

Smothering from the fog.

So heavy it holds me to the bed.

No motivation to even eat.

I exercise in a zombie mind, until the timer goes off.

P.J.'s have become my wardrobe.

The phone rings - Though I answer - I don't remember it had even rang. Had conversations that later had to confirm were real.

Dreams are vivid to the point that I think I've already completed a task or finished a conversation.

Days go by - I knew not - Didn't matter - I've nothing pending.

My bipolar is almost usually on the HYPE side. Obviously not now.

This down side - could kill me. Breathe to exist. Exist - 'this too shall pass''

No pretty words, no up lifting thoughts, no gets better, hang in there.....

All of choice. Out of reach, far beyond the only passing that is fog.

The only choice I make is to not make.

Smog is my Halo.

This isolation/hiberantion, isn't so bad Depression - bipolar - confession

FrustratedFemale · Mar 22, 2010, 02:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starlite*111

Severe Bipolar plus.....
never ending list of diagnosis's - pooh

Before the holidays.
Financial situations due to the economy.
From deaths of siblings.
LOST relationship that had just been found from long ago.
Medication changes still don't work

Called Doctor to be treated less than

Exited house maybe twice in months.
My roommate is unemployed - doesn't mind running all over. Be better if they got a job.

Never leave my room.

Have plenty of Movies queued on Hulu and DVR t.v. recorder.

There is nothing inside me.
I am dead.

My cheeks to heavy to lift my lips into a smile.
It remains over - end, is dead.

No matter, praying, saying, chatting, talking, sharing, comparing -
Diminishing into nothing.

I am in the nothingness.

I am a vapor of smog.

Smothering from the fog.

So heavy it holds me to the bed.

No motivation to even eat.

I exercise in a zombie mind, until the timer goes off.

P.J.'s have become my wardrobe.

The phone rings - Though I answer - I don't remember it had even rang. Had conversations that later had to confirm were real.

Dreams are vivid to the point that I think I've already completed a task or finished a conversation.

Days go by - I knew not - Didn't matter - I've nothing pending.

My bipolar is almost usually on the HYPE side. Obviously not now.

This down side - could kill me. Breathe to exist. Exist - 'this too shall pass''

No pretty words, no up lifting thoughts, no gets better, hang in there.....

All of choice. Out of reach, far beyond the only passing that is fog.

The only choice I make is to not make.

Smog is my Halo.

I hope you feel better very soon. It is hard to go threw depression.

lynn P. · Mar 23, 2010, 12:20 PM

Dear Starlite,

I know you have a lot to deal with your own illness on a daily basis. I think your sisters recent death has plunged you further into despair. I've found, that death of a loved one, opens up past wounds and memories - so you're not only dealing with your own illness but all the hurts from the past AND the death of your sister. Are you getting help with grief counseling? All you can do is be very kind and patient with yourself. I hope you feel better soon dear friend.

Mar 23, 2010, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Dear Starlite,

I know you have a lot to deal with your own illness on a daily basis. I think your sisters recent death has plunged you further into despair. I've found, that death of a loved one, opens up past wounds and memories - so you're not only dealing with your own illness but all the hurts from the past AND the death of your sister. Are you getting help with grief counseling? All you can do is be very kind and patient with yourself. I hope you feel better soon dear friend.

thank you sweet friend