[lynn09]

First - attorney. Last November, he apologized for being a cad and said he would refund my $2k retainer and send me my file; to date, I have seen neither. Big suprise (NOT)! Will have to file a formal grievance against him with the Bar - just what I need - more paperwork!

Finally got up the courage to make an appointment with a new internist (Primary Care Physician) in April - haven't had a PCP since 2006 - last PCP committed suicide in 2008 after he found out my abusive family had provided false information regarding my medical and personal history to him without my knowledge or consent and, as a result of him not informing me of their unauthorized interference in my healthcare, he was responsible for me losing $80,000 in long-term disability benefits.

So, it has only taken me 3 years to be able to pick up the telephone and try to get a new T after the last one betrayed my trust, violated my rights, and helped my abusive family members destroy my life.

Anyway, I did it - I made the appointment and saw my new T a week ago last Friday. He's a PhD Clinical Psychologist and teaches at a local university. He isn't on my current Medicare Advantage plan, so I went ahead and paid the full price for the initial evaluation - figured he was worth it. He almost fell out of his chair when I started to relate the events of the past 11 years, and said he could understand why I have trust issues. I really liked him, so I began researching other Medicare Advantage plans that he accepts (I have until March 31st to change), otherwise it would cost me $140 per session.

Last Wednesday, I called the woman who handles his insurance and billing (she works out of her home for a number of local therapists). I started talking to her - voice sounded familiar - her name is !!!!!!! Turns out that she is the very same person who was working in my last T's office who actually participated with my last T in betraying my trust and violating my rights!!! I managed to control myself and had a "pleasant" conversation with her, then had a complete meltdown after I hung up the telephone - my PTSD and MDD are triggered to the max! This also set off my immune-system disorder - red, swollen, and rashy from head to toe, skin is burned and really hurts, running fever, my heart is doing a tap-dance in my chest, and I have broken out in shingles again!!! All I can do is shake. Had very little sleep Wednesday night, less Thursday night, none Friday night, and only a couple of hours Saturday and Sunday.

I'm a wreck - my house is a wreck - nothing around here is getting done...... Wrote my new T a 14-page e-mail regarding my experience with my last T and this woman and sent it to him earlier today - those of you who know me know that 14 pages is an extremely abbreviated version of anything for me. I left it up to my new T to decide whether or not we go forward with my therapy, although I am NOT comfortable with THAT woman being privy to my confidential information, especially since she still speaks of my ex-T in glowing terms.

I can't think straight, so I apologize if I make no sense in my responses to any of your threads. I finally find someone who can keep up with me (and actually takes notes) and I get slapped in the face with THIS!! If this is the universe's idea of a joke, I don't think it's funny! I keep cycling through emotions - anger, grief, defeat, shock, numb, anger, grief, defeat, shock, numb......right now, I'm going into numb again and shutting down. I wish I could take meds.

I know - I should just shut up and go back and read what I post to other people's threads here! lynn09

[Naturefreak]

LynnHoping things turn around for you soon.

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by Babysteps

LynnHoping things turn around for you soon.

Thanks (((((Babysteps))))). But I know that the only way things are going to turn around for me is for me to turn them around - I'm just really tired - and really tired of people playing games with my life and leaving me to deal with the consequences of their misbehavior. Sigh...

[lynn P.]

((Lynn09)) - sometimes I don't have any real solutions to offer, cause it's one of those days. This is a heavy load of problems for such a nice person. But I sense you're a strong person Lynn. I just wanted you to know I read your thread and feel sorry you've been betrayed so much. I hope things improve and justice prevails.

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

((Lynn09)) - sometimes I don't have any real solutions to offer, cause it's one of those days. This is a heavy load of problems for such a nice person. But I sense you're a strong person Lynn. I just wanted you to know I read your thread and feel sorry you've been betrayed so much. I hope things improve and justice prevails.

(((((lynn P.))))) Thanks for stopping by - good to hear from you. I know that my situation is soooo complicated and intense, and no one here can help resolve it - it's up to me - it just really pushes me right to the edge sometimes and I have to vent. The hugs, well-wishes, and moral support I receive from you and others here truly do help. It's nice to know that I am not completely alone and that someone cares enough to listen.

[lynn09]

Wow, folks - this is bad. I've been dealing with depression for decades and have had some really major bouts that have pinned me to the floor - but this - this is different - this is a bit over the top - this is far, far beyond depression even with the PTSD in the mix. I've never felt like this before - can't even describe it - maybe I'm finally cracking from too many years of stress.

[billieJ]

Lynn, certainly you've had enough stress to "finally crack". And I am totally sorry for what has happened to you - so much STUFF. Hope you can find some way to tell new T about his secretary/accountant/insurance manager or whatever she is. I would not pay another $140 to do it, but that's up to you. Fate has nothing to do with it, and God and me are for you. Who can stand up against you for long? You are strong, Lynn, and you can PM me and curse and flail about, if you think that would help. With Love - billieJ

[turquoisesea]

(((((Lynn)))))))

I am so sorry this has happened. I can't believe this person has betrayed your trust so completely, these people. I wonder if the therapist you're talking about might have a response that could help. If he can't see you perhaps he can give you a name of someone who is not connected with this bad person.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you *hugs*
hang in there, keep reaching out
not all people are like that

[lynn09]

(((((billieJ))))) (((((turquoisesea))))) Thank you so much for your empathy and words of encouragement. I'm still waiting for a response to the e-mail I sent my new T - we'll see.

Hello, lynn09. Get the complaint filed against the lawyer. Some states have short periods of limitation for filing. A big benefit of filing is having the Bar Association investigate and pursue prosecution of the professional ethics violations. You should have access to the information uncovered.

This lawyer should lose his license. Many times one of the sanctions is for the lawyer to make payment of restitution with interest. Hopefully, the attorney has malpractice insurance.

I do not know where the $80,000 in long-term disability benefits fits in. Have you recovered the lost benefits?

Do you know anyone that works in the legal profession that may direct you to a good attorney? An attorney could help with the disciplinary complaint and with recovering the disability benefits if you have not been compensated for their loss. He would be able to advice you of the viability of any potential causes of action you may have.

Many people use Martindale-Hubbell to find a lawyer: http://www.martindale.com/Find-Lawye...Law-Firms.aspx

Pick your state, choose civil litigation and look for a lawyer with an AV rating: AV® Preeminent™ 5.0 out of 5

You may want to talk about contingency fees with the lawyer.

Sounds like you may have found a good therapist. Nonetheless, I would never feel comfortable with that insurance lady having access to any information pertinent to the first therapist's treatment.

Good luck.

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by lynn09

Wow, folks - this is bad. I've been dealing with depression for decades and have had some really major bouts that have pinned me to the floor - but this - this is different - this is a bit over the top - this is far, far beyond depression even with the PTSD in the mix. I've never felt like this before - can't even describe it - maybe I'm finally cracking from too many years of stress.

I know what this is now - this is DESPAIR to it's ultimate extent:
(v) To lose all hope.
(v) To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.
(n) Complete loss of hope.

Despite it all, I never imagined that I would ever reach this point.

[Hippie]

(((((Lynn09))))) Has your therapist contacted you?
If you cannot get hold of your T and feel just awful you might want to consider inpatient. Whatever you decide, I hope you feel better soon.

Maybe go to the emergency room?

[Rohag]

Dear Lynn, your safety is most important. Do what you can to secure yourself; return to the other stuff as you can later.

[lynn09]

Thanks (((Byz))) (((Hippie))) and (((Rohag))) for your care, concern, and advice. Please don't worry - I will not harm myself - I have enough people doing that already and I have no intention of assisting them in their efforts.

Byz, I've always loved your no-frills, direct, cut-to-the-chase approach to things. The reason I hired the attorney in the first place was to help me determine the most logical approach to this mess since it involves so many individuals and entities, and to help me actually do the work (file the complaints, etc.) because whenever I attempt to work on these things myself, I trigger and shut down. I had already had one experience with filing a complaint against a state social services agency according to their procedures - of course, they just brushed me off, closed the matter, and basically told me that I had no right to know the source of the information contained in the caseworker's report, and that I had no further recourse. (HA!)

Since my attorney has not refunded my retainer, I cannot afford to hire another - but I will definitely check out the link you provided. It took me 7 years to find an attorney who would even review my case because I am on disability and they weren't sure they could get enough money out of it to make it worth their trouble. Since Legal Aid is closely connected with the state social services agency I filed the complaint against, I have received no help from them, either; nor have I heard anything from the ACLU.

I still have not received a response from my new T to my e-mail, so I called him and left a voice message to make certain that he received it. The main thing I need help with is developing techniques to stop the triggering so that I can do the work myself necessary for dealing with this nightmare. Part of that nightmare was the misconduct of my last T, and the woman handling my new T's insurance and billing worked for my last T during the time I was in therapy with her.

The $80,000 in benefits that I lost were through my employer's long-term disability insurance carrier. In 2001, that carrier illegally terminated my benefits. In 2005, the US Department of Labor filed a class-action suit against this carrier (First UNUM/Provident) for doing this same thing to hundreds of other elligible recipients, as well. All of my Texas doctors were made aware of the lawsuit and the grounds, as well as my elligibilty. To my knowledge, based on the information my doctors provided to me, everything was in order. I did not find out until June of 2006 that my doctors had actually LIED to me, had never requested my medical records from Michigan, and had provided completely different information to UNUM than what they provided to me. By the time I found out about it all, it was too late - I was dropped from the lawsuit and those benefits are now lost to me forever. I was never informed by my own doctors of any problems, questions, apparent discrepancies - nothing.

Since then, these doctors have concealed their and their staffs' incompetence and misconduct at my expense in order to protect their reputations and careers, have branded me "a lunatic and a criminal," and I am essentially "black-listed" in the local medical community and have been denied appropriate medical treatment for my disabling chronic medical conditions. So, going to the ER for any reason is not a pleasant or beneficial experience since I am treated like a lunatic and a criminal by the ER staff. Apparently, the local medical community finds it sufficient to evaluate, diagnose, and treat patients based on petty, malicious gossip rather than on clinical evaluation and their patients' medical history and records. None of those involved have made the slightest attempt to rectify the damage they have done. As I've said before, it is my belief that my PCP's failure to respect, protect, and advocate for my rights was a contributing factor, if not the only reason, for his suicide in 2008.

As for my present state of mind, I think this "little death" episode is almost over. What is dying, however, isn't me - I'm still here. Perhaps the "hopes" I was holding onto were unrealistic - hoping that some one among those involved would come to their senses and redeem themselves by finally do the right thing, and/or that I would find someone willing to advocate for me and help me do what is necessary to resolve this mess. I now accept the fact that I will have to do this myself regardless of whether or not I ever receive any help from any source, that if I am not able to do this myself then I will have to figure out a way to live with it, and that there is nothing I can do to give those involved any further opportunities to redeem themselves - they will simply have to face the consequences of their own misconduct as a result of whatever resolution I am able to effect because they have murdered within me the last shred of care, concern, or compassion that I still held for them.

Thanks to all of you for standing with me while I processed through this experience. I'm still a bit tender and tired, but hopefully I will be back on my feet and into the fray once again in a day or two. The plan? Do what I can to file the complaints with the individual regulatory entities, and send the story and supporting documentation to the county DA, state and federal AGs, the ACLU, AARP, state and US legislators, the SSA and HHS, news media investigative reporters, women's rights organizations, and anyone else that I can think of.

[turquoisesea]

((((lynn)))))

You are warrior, lynn09. Great plan! Good luck.

[lynn09]

Thanks for the vote of confidence, (((Byz))), but this warrior has just tripped over her shield.

Apparently the depression is not done with me yet as it currently has me pinned down by the throat. I've been responding to other people's threads in the Depression Forum hoping that by supporting others I can remind myself of everything I need to be saying to and doing for myself, but my logic seems to be losing the battle with my emotions - I think we're in for a bumpy ride - and the fact that my new T has not bothered to respond to my e-mail or voice message yet is just triggering me even worse.

If I still have received no response from him this evening, I will try to get in contact with someone else tomorrow. I really don't want to go to the ER because they are just going to be rude as usual, and there's really nothing they can do for me since I am allergic to psych meds. I don't want to get to the point where I just don't care anymore and give up, but I feel like that's just where I'm headed. Meh.............

[Hippie]

Lynn, Oh,darling, you are so cared about. Please consider the ER. There bmay be different staff on from the last time you were there and the attitude would be different. You've been through so much!
I wish with all my heart that I could give you a shoulder to cry on. You are in my thoughts and will stay in my thoughts until I know you're in an okay place.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Lynn09))))

My dear friend, I am sorry you are going through all this and that you are feeling so bad. My heart goes out to you and I am right there with you in spirit. I know that that is not the same as being there and I wish I could be. You have meant so much to me and all here. Let us rally around you and uplift you. If you should fall you will not hit the ground for we are right there carrying you until you can stand and walk again.

I am so sorry that this has all happened and triggered you. I understand and I validate how you are feeling. Please take care of you for you are the most important one here. I hope your t will contact you tonight, if not please do whatever you need to do for you. If going to the ER is what you need to do, then please go. I know they do not treat you like they should and that is wrong, but at least you would not be alone and something could be done. Like someone said, maybe someone else will be on and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

You are worth so much and worth hanging on even if by a thread. I know how that thread when it is frayed to the end feels and how it feels you are holding on by the very end that is fraying right before your eyes, but hold on just a little longer do not let go. I am throwing another rope down to you right now grab hold and hold on. I know things feel really hopeless right now but our prayers and thoughts are going up just as you are holding on to that rope and I know that God will keep you in his arms and He will not let go.

I know that sometimes when we feel the end is there He reaches down and does not let go. And neither will we. I know that you are having a really hard time but know that I am here always no matter what. I care and I am just a PM away. Please write if you need to or if you just want to have a friend to listen. As far as the lawyer goes listen to the Byz, smart man he is. I hope you feel better soon, remember to breathe through and to do something kind for you. You are so worth it, to yourself first and to all of us. We love you my friend. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[lynn09]

Thanks (((((dps))))), My Dear Friend - your words of support and encouragement mean a lot - I will hold on.

[lynn09]

New T just responded to my e-mail - he dumped me and wished me luck.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Lynn09))))

I am so sorry but you know maybe this is what was suppose to happen. I know it is hard hon and it is not right, but if he was not going to support you then maybe this is your answer. Please know we are right here Lynn and we are holding you up right now. You are not alone even though I am sure it feels that way. My heart goes out to you my friend. I wish I was there with you right now and could give you a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. But I am right here and I am listening and hearing you. Please know I love you and care. Keep posting and reaching Lynn, we are right here. Always.

dps

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

((((Lynn09))))

I am so sorry but you know maybe this is what was suppose to happen. I know it is hard hon and it is not right, but if he was not going to support you then maybe this is your answer. Please know we are right here Lynn and we are holding you up right now. You are not alone even though I am sure it feels that way. My heart goes out to you my friend. I wish I was there with you right now and could give you a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. But I am right here and I am listening and hearing you. Please know I love you and care. Keep posting and reaching Lynn, we are right here. Always.

dps

You're right (((((dps))))) - apparently he wasn't the right man for the job - I mean, really - my first attempt after 3 years to find another T and I run into that woman again? What are the odds? At least the issue is resolved now and I can move on. Thanks for being here, dps.

And thanks to everyone else for being here, too - your support is greatly appreciated.

[googley]

(((((Lynn))))))

I'm coming late to your thread. But I am so sorry this has happened. I think it is better though that you are not seeing this T if he is going to continue to work with this woman who it appears he will. I doubt you could feel safe there. I hope you will reach out and try to find another T. You can probably ask your health insurance for a list of their providers as a place to start looking.