Still alive.

Watched Tigerland today, and it really hurt.

I still feel like my real life is over, and I'm playing a part pretending to fit in as an 'office associate' instead of a soldier.

I think about trying harder to contact my Reserve unit, but then I take a walk carrying my daughter and my hip is shot for the rest of the day.

And it's easier to sit here on the bed and smoke and pretend I'm trying to quit and listen to my music too loudly because most of the point of the music is so I don't hear what people are saying, and when you're deaf nobody tries to talk to you.

I really think I'd like that.

I'm off for three days, and while I don't want to be at work, I don't want to be here, either. But I don't have any money, I don't have any friends.

So I guess I'll spend most of my time sleeping.

I wish I could say I never think that way and have a story about overcoming it. I can't. I don't.

Inky, I hope you find a way to make a better life for yourself.

I kind of know how you feel. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and how you're feeling. I've never been in the service but I think it might do you good to contact someone in your old unit - you sound like you really need that. Maybe keeping in touch with them a couple of times a month would help you feel better and give you something to look forward to. Just a thought...